How to correctly decipher the messages of the interlocutor and successfully convey your own? Using the Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) method. One of the authors of this method and his colleague explain why we do not hear each other and how to fix it.
Psychologies: Why is it sometimes so difficult for us to understand each other?
John Grinder: Because we tend to think that communication is speech and forget about non-verbal communication. Meanwhile, in my opinion, non-verbal communication affects relationships much more than any words. Watching the turn of the head and change of posture, eye movements and shades of voice, all these “pas” of the interlocutor, you can “hear” him much better than just listening to what he says.
Carmen Bostic St. Clair: Here’s an example for you. If I say “You are very beautiful” (at the same time she shakes her head), you will feel confused, you will not know how to react. Because I sent you two messages that are opposite in meaning. Which one will you choose? This is how misunderstandings arise in relationships.
And how to be more adequate, or, as you say, “congruent”, in relations with others?
JG: There are several stages. The first is to understand exactly what we want to say. What do I expect from this conversation? We may have a specific goal, such as getting advice, signing a contract, or our intentions may be broader, such as maintaining a friendship. To be “congruent” is, first of all, to clarify one’s own intention. And only then bring your words, behavior, body movements in line with it.
And the second stage?
JG: Be considerate to others. To what his words and especially his body express … So, if I say to you: “I want to talk to you” – and I see that your gaze slides up to the left, I understand that you have now “turned on” the visual mode, that is, you will use internal visual images1.
Non-verbal communication affects relationships much more than any words.
To facilitate the exchange of information, I will take this into account and will choose my words so as to be with you in the territory that you unconsciously prefer, saying, for example: “See what happens? This appears to be the case. Am I being clear enough?” instead of saying, “Do you get my point? You catch everything on the fly!” – because it is already a kinesthetic language associated with the movements of the body. In addition, I will change the intonation and tempo of speech to accommodate your voice…
But this is manipulation!
JG: There is always manipulation in communication. It just happens to be ethical and unethical. When you ask me a question, you use your speech to direct my attention to a subject that I did not think about: this is also manipulation! But everyone considers it acceptable, it is generally accepted.
K.S.-K.: In other words, if you want to manipulate another person, we can provide you with the tools to do so. But if you want to help people understand you and help yourself understand them, then we can do that too: NLP teaches you how to choose the way you hear others and express yourself!
Communication will no longer burden you: you will clearly imagine what you want to express yourself, and what the other expresses – verbally and non-verbally, consciously and unconsciously. Then everyone will have a choice – to say: “Yes, I understand you, but I don’t want to talk like that” or, on the contrary: “I am closely following the course of your thought.”
First determine your own intention. And then bring the words, behavior, postures in line with it.
JG: Paying attention to the other, to his manner of expressing himself, and having the tools to understand his communicative features, you will understand that a connection has arisen between you, which means the possibility of full communication.
Are you saying that thanks to NLP, empathy arises?
JG: In any case, I am convinced that in this way we can make it clear to the unconscious of another person that we recognize and accept his “way of thinking”. So, in my opinion, this is a very respectful manipulation! Since you are not the leader, but the follower, you adapt.
It turns out that we must always be aware of how and why we choose words, carefully monitor our posture and tone of voice?
JG: I do not think that in communication you can completely control yourself. Those who strive for this are too busy with themselves, and they often have relationship problems. Because they only think about how not to make mistakes, and forget to listen to the interlocutor. I, on the other hand, see communication as a game and NLP tools as a way to have more fun with it!
It is important to realize which words and phrases we repeat more often than others: they are the ones that affect relationships.
K.S.-K.: It’s not about paying attention to every word you say. It is important to realize which words and phrases we repeat more often than others: they are the ones that affect relationships. For example, my Italian parents used the word necessario (“necessary”) all the time. When we moved to the US and started speaking English, they translated it as “you must”, which is a much stronger expression.
I adopted this speech habit from them: “you must do this”, “I must do that” … My life was a series of obligations that I demanded from others and from myself. That was until I tracked it down – thanks to John! – this habit and did not master other formulations instead of “should”: “I want”, “you can” …
JG: Until we give ourselves the trouble to realize the mechanisms of communication, we will constantly, despite all our good intentions, step on the same rake: we will feel that we are not heard and not understood.
About the experts
John Grinder – American author, linguist, who created, together with psychologist Richard Bandler, a method of neurolinguistic programming. This direction of practical psychology arose at the intersection of linguistics, systems theory, neurophysiology, anthropology, and philosophy. It is based on an analysis of the work of prominent psychotherapists Milton Erickson (hypnotherapy) and Fritz Perls (gestalt therapy).
Carmen Bostic St Clair – Doctor of Laws, has been collaborating with John Grinder since the 1980s. Together they conduct training seminars around the world, co-authored the book “Whisper in the Wind. New code in NLP” (Prime-Eurosign, 2007).
1 If the gaze of our interlocutor is directed upward, this means that he is referring to visual images; if it slides horizontally, then perception is based on sounds, words. A glance sliding down is a sign of reliance on feelings and emotions. If the gaze goes to the left, then these images, sounds or emotions are associated with memories; if to the right, they do not refer to real experience, but are invented, created by the imagination.