She wants a lot of things from him, but she doesn’t say it right away and openly. First, he must — suffer!
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I will invite you to take a look at a small fragment of a conversation between two well-educated and already loving people. Their names are Ricky and Kate. This small conversation is unlikely to attract your attention — it is so ordinary, familiar, unremarkable. And in my opinion, this is something outrageous, because what Kate says here is an example of rotten negative manipulation, and the link “But everyone does it!” does not change things. Let everyone do it — but will you do it?
I am sure that most of the readers of the Psychologos will not understand this article and will call the author a petty person who finds fault with women over trifles. You have the right to such opinions, but you may also be interested in another view, where it is important not to expose, but to prompt loving people: what is acceptable and what is not. Because if what you are doing is returned to you by your partner, you will be offended and indignant. And because if you love, you want to take care of your beloved. Yes?
So watch the video. And after that — we will decipher what is happening.
Ricky: What pasta, never tasted anything better. I understand that everyone can buy a semi-finished product, but only you can cook like that.
Kate: Treat yourself.
What do you think about her face? Immeasurable melancholy and fatigue, a reproach from a martyr to a tormentor… This is a reproachful face: “How can you talk about pasta? You don’t understand me, my feelings? And why don’t you talk about Gee? Are you a soulless traitor?
Ricky: Is something wrong?
Kate: It’s okay.
Not true. She is not all right, she clearly shows it to him, but at the same time says something else … Like, «I’m not complaining, but if you are an attentive person, you yourself will understand everything.» This is unfair. If you act honestly, everything is simple: if you want to raise an issue, raise it! But there is another, crafty way — to draw attention to yourself with an unhappy face, make a man a little guilty and get advantages in this regard … This is called: «Playing on feelings.» Manipulator.
Ricky: Kate, I’m not blind. What worries you?
Kate: Gee worries me…
“Ji is disturbing”… This is a description of the problem, this is the creation of mutual anxiety. Why not just tell her what she wants? Why not immediately, directly and openly, offer your solution to the problem? Does she not have the habit of acting directly and openly at all — or does she not believe that it is possible to speak honestly, directly and openly with this interlocutor? Honest and constructive interlocutors immediately formulate their proposals, only after indicating the context. For example, here it could sound. “Listen, about Gee. I have an unexpected proposal: I think it’s right for us to let him go.”
(cont’d) Do you remember what he was like when we met him? He was all radiant with joy. Do you remember how he smiled? And now he’s all exhausted.
Presses on feelings. Subtext, suggestion: “If a person is having a hard time, others should take care of him!” The expectation that the interlocutor will guess what she wants.
Ricky: Just like you and me. This is work.
Ricky does not understand her suggestions, for him the state of fatigue is a natural part of the work process, and he apparently believes that restoring his strength is the concern of the person himself. Just like taking care to wash or feed yourself.
Kate: That’s it — work! And now that he’s become a star, it’s getting harder and harder for him! After all, it all started as a game, but turned into a whole industry! Today, on the street, they tried several times to foist various stupid products with the G emblem on me. Cheese, packing tape…
Emotions interfere with understanding … Kate does not understand that Ricky does not understand her, and stupidly continues to press. Blame and pressure. And when he sees that nothing comes out, he gets angry and starts swearing on an extraneous topic. If she wanted to offer to let Gee go, it would be inappropriate to discuss the sales policy of the department where Gee works.
Ricky: I came up with this. What don’t you like? What is the harm from this? Buyers will fall for the funny name, and Gee has nothing to lose. Instead of roaming the roads, he can communicate with all of America from the studio. So it’s all for the best, everyone wins.
Kate: Yes, but we earn a lot from it!
Assault and accusation. Are you sure that hitting and blaming is the policy of honest discussion?
Ricky: Yes, but even the church makes money selling crucifixes and incense! In addition, when a person buys something from us, he, as it were, becomes his friend. If a person wears a T-shirt with his name, he involuntarily thinks about his words and tries to live in a new way! Don’t you think so?
Ricky tries to make the discussion logical…
Kate: You forgot something: Gee does everything for free. I think he should be released.
Once again, the accusation, that is, the continuation of pressure. And direct pressure already without argumentation: you must do as I say!
Ricky: What? But no one is forcing him, he wants it himself …
Another weak attempt to return the conversation to a civilized course, to sort it out calmly and to the point …
Kate: Ricky, let him go.
Ultimatum. “Either it will be my way, or we will part ways.”
What is your opinion: is such a solution of issues civilized? Do you think it’s acceptable that such technologies were used to talk to you? Do you yourself allow such tricks in conversation with those whom you respect?
The next question is: what is Ricky’s contribution to this flow of conversation? In our opinion, it is significant. If Kate had been sure that Ricky would listen to her with real understanding, if Ricky had taught earlier that you could talk to him without pressure, Kate would have talked to him differently. If Kate is already used to the fact that such issues cannot be resolved with him without pressure, he got what all men like him get. Dear men, take it upon yourself to create a trusting atmosphere in such conversations: it will be better for you!
I showed this article to my wife, and we, as an experiment, tried to have this conversation with her honestly. I was Ricky, she was Kate. Yes, it took us more time, we talked for about 10 minutes, but why not talk with a loved one? The main thing is that we agreed, and our conversation turned out to be calm, attentive, honest. We succeeded because we have been talking like this for a long time. A long time ago! What we wish you.
Summary
A civilized discussion of controversial issues begins with a clear and explicit pronunciation of one’s position, or rather, with one’s proposal. The amphora formula will help you: thesis — justifications — conclusions.
A civilized discussion excludes accusations, pressure and categoricalness. Civilized people listen to each other using the formula «Repeat, agree, add.»
To talk to you calmly, without pressure and without unnecessary emotions, behave yourself respectfully to the interlocutor and do not rest on your rightness. Start to put pressure on or play Durik — they will talk to you in the same way.
Partnerships and civilized discussion of contentious issues exclude «feelings». Attention, terminological misunderstandings are possible here. It is clear that feelings as emotional expressiveness and the ability to understand the interlocutor are welcome, but feelings as actions based on random, thoughtless impulses are really unacceptable in a serious discussion. Those who insist on the naturalness and necessity of feelings and claim that there are no bad feelings usually mean their own feelings. When they encounter outbursts of negative feelings from a partner, most often the matter ends with resentment and a break in relations. Therefore: serious issues need to be resolved reasonably, removing emotions and feelings that interfere with the matter.
Colleagues, do you use the same rules?