In large families, children have to constantly compete for the attention of their parents. And at the slightest suspicion of one of the children that they love him less, a scandal in the family is inevitable. Why are children jealous of each other? Is it worth scolding them for this and what should be done to make them conflict less?
In most cases, jealousy and rivalry between siblings is driven by a desire to gain praise, approval, and proof of parental love. First-borns suffer especially from jealousy, since they lived for more or less a long time, enjoying the undivided attention of mom and dad.
Often a jealous child is not self-confident, feels fear, is afraid that he is not loved at all or is valued less than another. That is why he must be treated as a person who is going through a difficult period.
It’s a mistake to think that he behaves so in spite of everyone, he suddenly became nasty, annoying and irritable
Like any person in a difficult period of life, a child needs assurances of parental love and that he can always rely on them. He needs affection, care and understanding of parents who could gently make it clear that his behavior is not always acceptable.
If the child is deprived of the opportunity to show his jealousy openly, he will suppress these emotions and not express them in any way, but it will be enough for a while. It is highly likely that next time jealousy will make itself felt in a more dangerous form.
What not to do?
Punishing children for such behavior is wrong, it will only confirm his fears that he is not loved enough. He will take this as a signal that it is impossible to be jealous (hence, no one recognizes or accepts his feelings), and this will only make him feel worse.
The child may decide that the one who is stronger wins, and aggression helps to achieve his
Quarrels between brothers and sisters are a matter of course and inevitable. There are practically no families in which children would live in love and harmony and would never conflict with each other.
Parents should be aware of this and not hope that their daughters and sons will always get along. To count on this is to expect too much from your children.
A few steps to recovery
- If you did not see what happened between the children and how the quarrel or fight started, do not take sides. Say things like, «It doesn’t matter who started first, we have a rule in our family: don’t fight.»
- Set clear rules, explain what is allowed and what is forbidden, including during a quarrel. For example, that you can not throw anything at each other.
- Encourage children to try to solve the problem on their own: «I’m sorry that this happened, but I’m sure that you can find a way out without me.» If the toy was the cause of the quarrel, it is better to pick it up with the words “I see that you can’t play this game without quarreling, so I will return it to you tomorrow.”
- Try to look for the solution to the problem, not the one to blame.
- Give all children equal attention and praise them equally.
- Try to build a relationship with each child, taking into account his characteristics, devoting a certain time to each of them.
- Spend time not only with them together, but also alone with everyone.
- Often jealous children are convinced that no one likes them. And the task of mom and dad is to increase the child’s self-confidence by showing their love for him, praising him, paying attention to him. Celebrate his strengths and accomplishments rather than focusing on his weaknesses and bad behavior.
- Stop comparing children: highlighting their differences will only make things worse and encourage them to compete.
- Do not scold or reprimand the child for his dislike of his brother or sister. He should be able to share his suffering and even express his anger. Let him feel that you understand him and acknowledge his difficulties.
- Do not take on the role of a policeman or a judge: do not protect one of the children when they are arguing. Parents have the right to listen to complaints, but not to pass judgment. Otherwise, the “victim” will take advantage of this in the future.
- You should not force one child to “adapt” to another all the time, motivating this by the fact that the older and stronger should yield to the younger and weaker ones.
- Brothers and sisters are not required to spend all the time together, each of them may have their own interests, their own friends. Encourage it.
- And most importantly: do not follow these tips meticulously, word for word. All children are different and so are their needs.