Social psychologist Jacques Salome likes to say that he tries to make difficult things understandable. Perhaps for this reason, colleagues were in no hurry to recognize him. But the public accepts Jacques Salome unconditionally: the circulation of his books is 6 million copies, they have been translated into 30 languages. He really doesn’t like to complicate things. For example, when he teaches the art of communication, explaining that “no” must be said without offending the interlocutor, and “yes” without offending oneself. His method of communication is one of the most popular in the world. Just because it works.
Psychologies: Love relationships have always been at the center of your attention. Why?
Jacques Salome: Love is the greatest work of my life. I think it’s because I’m a child of love. I was born when my mother was 19 years old, from a 15 year old boy. For the first five years, my mother raised me alone until she got married. Therefore, I was marked by the suffering of this woman, who herself was abandoned because she grew up in an orphanage.
So your interest in human relationships stems from this distinction?
J.S.: Yes, I think so. I wanted to return the lost love of my mother. As a child, I dreamed about it. But there are many misunderstandings around love, in our time it is attributed value as a means of healing the wounds of the past or present, and this is a delusion. What was given to us in parental love cannot help us in falling in love, which is unique every time. I have had three loves in my life, but the last love is the same as the first … I am 77 years old, I have been in love since I was 70, and this is something completely new.
- Why so much misunderstanding?
What kind of child were you?
J.S.: From early childhood until the age of five, I received as much love as few children get. And then disaster struck. My mother got married and my brother was born. It was so terrible for me that I tried to kill him several times. I felt like they didn’t love me anymore. And since I was first adored and then «betrayed», I began to hate myself. When I was 9 years old, I fell ill with bone tuberculosis and spent five years in plaster from head to toe. These were years of incredible discoveries. I ate two or three books a day. I discovered the power of imagination, it saved my life. I also discovered the power of relationships with ward mates—my peers.
When you were admitted to the hospital, you were separated from your family, but did it allow you to discover other relationships?
J.S.: Undoubtedly. I interacted with children from different walks of life. One of my comrades, who belonged to an educated aristocracy, introduced me to art, painting, music. When I was discharged from the sanatorium, I began to study law and accounting. But at the same time fell in love with psychology! Yes, yes, it was a blue-eyed brunette who worked as a psychologist in a home for children with behavioral disorders. I did not return to accounting, but entered a pedagogical school to become an educator. At the age of 24, I was appointed director of an orphanage for delinquents. I worked there for 12 years, I was close to despair, I made all possible mistakes, but I learned a lot from these children, who can be called «smart children with a difficult character.» They taught me to listen, not to dwell on the outside. I grew up with them. And then, I have five children. By the way, I write primarily for them.
You have gone abroad. Did it help you discover other aspects of psychology?
J.S.: I was a follower of psychoanalysis, and Canada allowed me to learn other areas, such as humanistic psychology, gestalt, transactional analysis, dream work … It was completely new for me as a European.
What exactly did you learn there?
J.S.: I have discovered that words are necessary to communicate but not sufficient to create a living relationship. Something more than words is needed: non-verbal language, sight, touch, emotional vibrations. It was there that I started developing the Espere method. My dream was to offer an accessible relationship building method that could be taught to others. This is what makes me different from a psychotherapist. After all, you can conduct psychotherapy for twenty years and still not convey anything. My method allows sharing with other people.
How so?
J.S.: We didn’t realize that as communication media such as telephone and email evolved, we express ourselves more but communicate less. These devices serve for functional communication, but not for saying important things. Our communication is so poor! Did you know that married couples talk an average of 6 minutes a day? That’s why I think kids need to be taught how to communicate in school, how to nurture and maintain all-important relationships.
What exactly does this mean?
J.S.: On the one hand, it is fundamentally important not to confuse feelings and attitudes, and on the other hand, it would be nice to be able to formulate requests. And to understand that there are three of us in a relationship: me, you and the relationship. Recall the well-known symbol of the scarf that we each hold for our end: it represents a relationship for which we are both responsible, each for our own part. If I let go of the scarf, it will fall, but I can also hold it. This allows you to move away from irresponsibility and the constant need for outside help. I am responsible for my end of the scarf and for what happens to me. When the last cast was removed from me after five years in the hospital, the surgeon told me: “Salome, you are lucky, you will be able to live the rest of your life in a wheelchair.” I was 14 years old! From his point of view, this was a positive result, because my comrades remained bedridden. But when I realized what he told me, I took it as a sentence. I even considered killing myself, but in the end I decided to learn to walk again. It took another five years, but I held myself responsible for what was happening to me.
- Emotional blackmail: how not to let yourself be manipulated
“Did you know that married couples talk on average only 6 minutes a day?”
How would you summarize your method?
J.S.: Don’t talk about the person, but talk to the person. Use visualization. For example, my daughter asks me for permission to go to a party. If I refuse her, we will go in the direction of the conflict. She identifies me with the answer. I become an idiot father who does not understand anything. If she symbolically presents her request by placing a sugar bowl on the table, and I answer her by placing a cup upside down on the table (refusal), she will immediately visualize that we are talking about a relationship between a request and an answer, and the value of each of us is not put questionable. And it changes everything. Let’s not confuse behavior with a person. As well as life and existence. The Espere Method addresses relationship needs that will revitalize our lives and offers ourselves and others a relationship that is reciprocal, non-violent, with great respect for the resources and boundaries of ourselves and others. Everyone should take care of them.
- At the beginning there will be the word «I»
You have sold 6 million books… What are your readers looking for in them?
J.S.: I think they are looking for a means to become masters of their own existence again. I offer unusual coverage of contemporary topics: couples, relationships with children, the world of work. I write in simple language. My mother, who stopped school when she was 12, read my books and understood them. I talk about difficult things simply, poetically and with humor. You know, a book always has two authors: the one who writes it and the one who reads it. I am incredibly grateful to my readers, who amaze me with how they master my ideas.
Where did your theories come from?
J.S.: From the ideas of psychologists Carl Rogers and Jacob Moreno (Carl Rogers, Jacob Moreno). But I practice the Salome method and no other. The rules of “relationship hygiene” are easy to understand and master. If you have difficulty with children, please change your request. Instead of requiring them to «do» — their homework, make their bed… — ask them to help you be more of a «mom» than a «mother.» Let them do what is necessary on their own so that you can relax and enjoy their presence. Once we find the right channel of communication, relationships improve.