«I’m a bad mother.» «My friends secretly hate me.» «I’m fat and ugly.» Once having arisen, obsessive thoughts begin to haunt us from day to day. The slightest failure is enough for the worm of doubt in our skills and qualities to begin to sharpen our brain. We understand what is really behind the thoughts that torment us.
What you think might be a problem is almost always not a real problem. Too often we focus on thoughts instead of thinking about the emotions that drive them.
From childhood, we are instilled with feelings of shame and disappointment, fears and unrealistic expectations that we ignore and do not take seriously. It may be much easier for you to tell yourself that you are a bad person who demands too much attention from others than it is to admit that as a child you felt this way because of your parents. Likewise, the intrusive thoughts that haunt you may be just a manifestation of stress and trauma from the past.
Here are a few possible examples of such thoughts you might have and options for what past event or experience might be behind them.
Obsessive thought: «I’m fat and ugly, I need to lose weight or get plastic surgery, otherwise no one will love me.»
What lies behind it: “I have exams coming up and I’m under a lot of stress, and I grew up in a house where there was only one role model for me as a girl, and obsessed with diets.”
Obsessive thought: “Anna didn’t reply to me on WhatsApp, but I can see that she is reading my messages. She must have been mad at me.»
What lies behind it: “I have incredibly low self-esteem because of my upbringing. That kind of reaction won’t help me. Apparently, Anna is now up to her neck, and she was distracted by them, but in any case, what Anna thinks of me does not concern me.
Obsessive thought: “I am a useless mother because I yelled at my child in the morning.”
What lies behind it: “I am a normal mom who is tired and overworking, reading magazine articles about how to be the perfect parent. There are no ideal parents.»
Obsessive thought: “I am not actively participating in this work meeting. Others have to do my job.»
What lies behind it: «I’m in a dynamic and very important meeting, and the stress of it reminded me of the teacher who said I was lazy and didn’t even try to prove myself in class.»
Obsessive thought: “I will most likely die because of this deadly pandemic that has swept the whole world. Looks like I’m already sick. I can already feel the cough coming on. Now I will die!”
What lies behind it: “I am going through a difficult time, full of unpredictable events, and my brain is trying to help me out, preparing me for the worst, but in fact he is a jerk. My brain always reacts like this when I’m stressed.»
Obsessive thought: «If I don’t get this job, I’m done for.»
What is behind it? «My dad was obsessed with his goals and would eat my hair out if I got an A-minus.»
Obsessive thought: “I once tried to do this, and nothing came of it. I’ll never get over it.»
What lies behind it: “Like most people, I wasn’t taught to appreciate losing as a child.”
Obsessive thought: “What I need right now is a drink. That’s the only way I can make this day a little better.»
What lies behind it: “I am at my limit, and my only defense mechanism that has been with me all my life is alcohol. I also know that alcohol is a depressant masquerading as a relaxant. Instead, I’ll call my friends/read a book/go out for a walk.»
Obsessive thought: “The person I like said he likes me too. You need to immediately run away from him as far as possible.
What lies behind it: “My dad left my mom when she was pregnant with me, and I don’t really trust people who say they are ready to start a serious relationship with me.”
Obsessive thought: «If this man doesn’t tell me that he likes me, I’ll be finished.»
What lies behind it: “I grew up in a world where I was told that I would only find my worth in relationships with others.”
You don’t have to ignore all thoughts. Some of them are really helpful. Some of them — «I can» and «What if everything goes right?» — Should have paid more attention.
When we can weed out the good thoughts from the ones that hold us back, we can start living again. We can be helpful, efficient, and spend more time doing than thinking. We can even try to turn negative thoughts into positive ones. Here is the thought!