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A passer-by on the street makes greasy jokes about the oncoming girl, blocking her way. A stranger in the transport touches his companion every now and then – or a random fellow traveler? – although this is clearly unpleasant. But we are silent. And we are silent when this happens to us, except that we are trying to quietly move away, dreaming of “disappearing”. We are silent, because we know: it will be very difficult to prove anything – even to ourselves. And that’s why.
1. The aggressor laughs it off or assures us that we made a mistake.
What is the probability that our eyes are deceiving us? What do we all “misunderstand”? What a stranger woman really likes stranger? Or that it “just seemed” to us that a man shows an increased interest in us and, for example, “inadvertently” touches us?
The chance, if any, is small. But the offender will definitely try to play this card: he will deny everything, convince us that we inadequately assess what is happening, or simply laugh it off.
We are overcome by the fear of blaming another for something and getting an inadequate response in response.
This behavior is called gaslighting. The term comes from the English word Gaslight – “gas light”. That was the name of the play and its adaptations, the heroine of which was the victim of such manipulations by her husband, who convinced her that she was inadequate.
And the man who in public space, will definitely resort to this “method”. This is his weapon, his most powerful defense, which is not easy to resist (but it is possible – we’ll talk about how below).
2. We are not entirely sure what we have seen, or we are afraid to intervene.
But what if we really “just thought”? What if what we thought was harassment was just part of a game between two lovers? And if not, then, by interfering, can’t we harm the woman – and at the same time ourselves?
We are overcome by doubts, fear of blaming another for something and getting an inadequate response in response, fear of suffering morally or even physically, and this is normal. There is no shame in being afraid. Fear is a natural reaction to the unknown, and we really do not know what our actions will turn out to be. We won’t know until we take the first step.
3. We still have a hard time confronting men directly.
Since childhood, many of us have been taught in one form or another by the family and the school how important it is for a girl to be obedient, not to argue (to adults, and then to men), to endure, to be comfortable, to be silent, if you don’t like something, to hide your own ” I’ away. Then we grew up and, perhaps, even learned something about personal boundaries, but knowing about them and being able to defend them are completely different things.
It is still difficult for many to say directly that this is not possible with us, that it is unpleasant or uncomfortable for us. Therefore, we gently step back, look around at those around us, and, not finding support, endure. And we certainly cannot be blamed for this.
Check with your own feelings, scroll through the memory of what you just saw or felt
But each of us can try to start reacting differently to such situations, which means learning to protect ourselves and others. For example, passing on and mastered the 5D rule. What principles does it include?
Show support, letting the victim of harassment know that we are there, we have seen everything and will not leave her alone.
Delegate care about a woman to another person, especially – endowed with this or that power.
Document what is happening – for example, filming the offender on the phone.
Act, directly addressing the aggressor (but only as a last resort, because our safety is above all).
Disorient, trying to distract the offender from what is happening.
What else can and should be done?
3 WAYS TO STAND FOR YOURSELF OR ANOTHER WOMAN
All of us, regardless of experience and the environment in which we live, should learn:
1. Stay real
If you feel like you or another woman is in danger, you probably don’t. Don’t let the aggressor convince you otherwise.
Support yourself – check with your own feelings, scroll through the memory of what you just saw or felt. Ask yourself direct questions: what did I see? What was it? What was it like? What did I feel myself, or what did that other woman look like?
This woman not only had an unpleasant experience – she is also sure that she is completely alone.
Trust your own senses and do not doubt your ability to soberly assess the situation.
2. Saying “no” and not being afraid to speak up about what is happening
Now that you have checked your memories and feelings, take courage and tell the offender directly: “Stop! Can’t you see she’s uncomfortable. No, it didn’t seem to me, you really just whistled after this girl” or “You just touched me twice. I ask you not to do that again.”
3. Communicate with victims of harassment
The fact that we are in no hurry to support a woman who has become a victim of inappropriate attention or harassment is quite understandable: we don’t know what to say, is it even appropriate to contact her directly – maybe she wants to “hush up” what happened and is ready to fall through the ground?
But think about this: this woman not only had an unpleasant experience – she is also sure that she is absolutely alone in this, that no one cares about her, that no one will come to the rescue.
Do not be afraid that your words will sound awkward – in any case, they will be very valuable to the victim.
What could you say to her that would support her? How can you let her know that she is not alone, that you are on her side? Do not be afraid to seem awkward, do not be afraid that your words will sound awkward – they will be very valuable to her in any case.
Perhaps they will help this woman cope with what happened – and who knows, maybe next time even offender or protect another woman.