Up to 8 million Poles may suffer from neurosis. It is one of the most common mental disorders, but it is often underestimated. Grzegorz Szaffer described his struggles with neurosis. He honestly told his own experiences – symptoms, panic attacks, difficult daily coping with neurosis, a long road to recovery. We are publishing an excerpt from his book “Pokonałem neurosis”, published by the WAM Publishing House.
It took two days to walk home and it was a nightmare. Bouts of breathlessness. Palpitations. The need to run away, to be there. It is an amazing feeling of unreality, illusion, being out of your body. As if every touch, every word had to pierce the cotton wool. At the same time, the horizon seemed to rise and darken. As if it was uphill and dangerous everywhere. And this constant, urgent waiting when I feel normal. Few moments of relief, followed by the return of that extreme tension. At one point I thought I was going to choke or choke. I had to stand on the side of the road. I wanted to run away, but where? We stopped some farmers in a pickup truck who helped us get to the nearest town.
I don’t remember well anymore, but I think one of them was driving our car. As you can see, the scene is full of grazing. Such things happen to people in the initial, acute phase of neurosis, when confusion and bewilderment dominate, and panic roams freely through the maddened brain. Jesus, how good it happened in this wilderness. At the local clinic, a doctor examined me and … stated that I am physically in good shape. She was quite bright, because from the beginning she did not believe in the somatic ground: the possibility of being bitten or poisoned, and her suspicions were directed towards schizophrenia (she asked if I heard voices), although she did not say so. In the motel, I somehow managed to fall asleep, although my sleep deficit was building up. We finally got home, but it didn’t make me feel better. For the next week or two, I was plunging into illness. I have been to two doctors, each stated that I am physically healthy, and only exhausted.
I was afraid to get out of bed, I lost a few kilos. I had bad thoughts, the feeling that I was suffocating with food. On the other hand, when I clearly lost weight, I began to fear that I would starve myself to death. Anyway, intrusive thoughts accompanied me for a long time: the fear that I would do something stupid to myself or hurt my loved ones, jump under the car or at least smash the shop window for no reason. When I entered a tall building, I was afraid that I would jump out of the window or that the entire building would topple over (one of my clients worked in such a vein with glass from the ceiling to the floor on both sides). When I picked up a knife to cut the bread, I was afraid I would hurt myself or my wife – that was perhaps the most unpleasant of the bad thoughts I had – unfortunately, this is completely typical of neurosis. The incredible ease with which I can imagine the negative consequences was part of my state of maximum tension. Like the micro-visions of fear – the tendency to identify images in the aspect of threat. I also had severe panic attacks several times. I remember one particularly clearly; it was when my wife went to class and I was left alone in the evening. My heart seemed to have stopped and I was dying. Sweat, horror. I fell asleep, or rather fainted asleep from exhaustion.
Sleep problem is another topic. I could not sleep. My sleep deprivation has reached catastrophic proportions. From exhaustion I fell into short naps during the day, and at night I could not sleep, I fell asleep for an hour or two until the morning. This torment of lack of sleep dragged on for a very long time. Even months later, when I was feeling much better, I sometimes had to go to the car instead of lunch during a break in order to take a nap after a sleepless night.
There were times when I thought I would never get out of this and would go completely crazy. There was hope inside me somewhere. The depression was secondary, however, and it was due to a state of tension and confusion in which I was stuck. It wasn’t organic, but it had an emotional rationale and a cause. I owe the survival of this period to a large extent to my wife, who was very supportive of me. It placed an enormous burden on her, which I did not notice until some time later. This disease is like alcoholism, it affects the whole family. Patient support from a loved one is irreplaceable. Support, but not comments from “Uncle of Good Advice”! Once my brother called me when word got out that I was not doing well. I think he meant well, but in the end he only had to tell me to “pull myself together”. And I wanted to answer him, to put that advice deep in … I didn’t just do it because I didn’t have the strength to react like that. It’s hard to say when I got on my way to the better. At first I didn’t feel any improvement at all, but in retrospect I see some important points and a set of favorable circumstances.
Also read:
- Potatoes for depression or a walk. Absurd advice from celebrities
- A particularly dangerous form of depression. Almost every second patient struggles with it
- Monika’s body sensed the coming catastrophe. It started with a headache
The content of the medTvoiLokony website is intended to improve, not replace, the contact between the Website User and their doctor. The website is intended for informational and educational purposes only. Before following the specialist knowledge, in particular medical advice, contained on our Website, you must consult a doctor. The Administrator does not bear any consequences resulting from the use of information contained on the Website. Do you need a medical consultation or an e-prescription? Go to halodoctor.pl, where you will get online help – quickly, safely and without leaving your home.