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Support, help and acceptance are what we most expect from loved ones and what they, in turn, expect from us. But it happens that with our words we only aggravate someone else’s condition. Test yourself — perhaps there are phrases in your vocabulary that it is high time to give up.
«You probably won’t like it, but I’ll say it anyway…»
Have you ever given advice to family and friends that wasn’t asked for, simply because you were sure you knew exactly what was best, or you saw the whole picture, or you had more experience?
Turning to a person with such an initiative, we kind of mean that we are aware of his unwillingness to hear our words, but we will speak out anyway. And it would be necessary, most likely, just to support him and silently stay by his side. This is a violation of personal boundaries, which is dictated by the desire to demonstrate our rightness and superiority.
«Everything happens for a reason»
Have you ever heard these words in response to a story about a dramatic situation in your life? Did they help you? Most likely no. At best, you did not learn anything new; at worst, you felt as if you were blamed for what happened. Finally, often things happen “just like that,” so we definitely shouldn’t address this banal phrase to others.
«What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger»
A replicated motivational quote is not what a person in trouble wants to hear. Or someone who just has a hard time, regardless of the reasons. For most, empathy and support are far more important in these situations—especially if what happened makes us feel not strong, but crushed, crushed, and vulnerable.
«I’d like to help, but…»
It’s simple: if you want and can help another — help. If not, do not force your loved one to listen about what your intentions were, how much you would like to do, “but” … Spare him your apologies and excuses — believe me, they do not make it easier for him.
«Time heals»
Another popular phrase that is not always true: not every pain goes away and you can’t always get used to it. Even if we adjust to the changed circumstances, life will not necessarily return to normal. In addition, everyone needs their own time for grief, healing and recovery. And some situations leave scars that never heal.
«You think it’s not the end of the world»
You can also add phrases that “others have it even worse”, “children are starving in Africa” and “you are still lucky” to devalue the experience and experiences of another person. This approach forces the interlocutor to suppress their feelings, or at least stop sharing them with others. This does not benefit anyone: it only prevents them from finding a way out of the situation or solving the problem.
«Yes, this is nonsense»
So we usually say to people who «make an elephant out of a fly» and «take everything too personally.» That is, we deny them the right to experience the emotions that they have. Needless to say, this is not what is expected of us and what should we do?
«I warned you»
We’ve all had the experience of giving other people advice that they didn’t follow, and as a result, things didn’t work out in their favor. It is quite difficult to overcome the temptation to recall this, but it is necessary: a person already has a hard time, he already regrets the choice he made. Now is definitely not the time to prove your case and explain to him that he himself is to blame for everything.
«If I were you, I would…»
What is the use of telling a loved one that in his place you would have acted differently and could have avoided the mistakes that he made? Do you think knowing that you are smarter and more insightful will somehow help him? Hardly. What he needs now is your shoulder, XNUMX% acceptance and all-round support.
We are different, we perceive words and situations differently, we experience unique experiences. This is something that is useful to keep in mind, turning to a loved one, even with the best intentions, so as not to harm, but really support.