Following the “natural parenting” trend, many moms want to stay close to their baby for as long as possible. This is also manifested in long, sometimes many years of breastfeeding. Does the child really need it, and what should a mother do when, having finally decided to wean her 2–3-year-old son or daughter from the breast, she realizes that neither she nor the child wants to give up this symbiotic attachment?
Psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova helps parents understand their children and… themselves.
Learn to cooperate with your child. “The feeling of security that a nursing mother gives is essential for a baby,” agrees Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “But then the merger begins to hold back its development: at 11-13 months, most children take their first independent steps, and it is important for parents to support this movement towards independence.” For example, in those situations when the objective world resists the actions of the child, offends or frightens him (the door opened – and knocked on the nose, pressed the button – it became dark), to teach how to interact with this world. But a nursing mother often reacts to the crying of a child in the usual way – she offers her breasts as a consolation. “The Russian parenting style is overprotective,” explains Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – And long feeding only strengthens this dependence of the child on the mother. After all, if there are no physical and emotional boundaries, then there is no need to enter into a dialogue, learn to ask for help, support: there is always a chest nearby. By preschool age, such children do not have time to gain sufficient experience of autonomy, they are less likely to show initiative, and they are less able to get used to the team. Life seems difficult for them.”
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Understand motives. This is not easy to admit, but the status of a nursing mother suits many: the process of feeding requires less effort, leaves time for yourself (after all, you don’t need to play and communicate with a baby clinging to the breast) and at the same time allows you to feel like a caring mother. But being a good mother does not mean instantly responding to all the desires of the child. “Distinguish when your chest is a source of nutrition for him, and when it is a symbol of tenderness or an instrument of education,” explains Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “You can’t use breasts as a reward or as a way to resolve conflict.”
Change strategy. Obviously, the older the child, the more dramatic event in his life becomes weaning. The decisive attitude of the mother will help to change the situation. “Watch the child,” advises Galiya Nigmetzhanova, “at what moments does he ask for a breast? Is it possible to solve the problem in a different, more constructive way – to talk, to divert attention to something else? Stop the child when he wants to play, rub your chest in the most inappropriate places. Find him a suitable community, start taking him to a development group. Cooperate with him at home – let your son (daughter) participate in cooking, cleaning the house. And learn to communicate your love and support without breasts: no intimate relationship is built on hugs and tenderness alone.
Galiya Nigmetzhanova, leading psychologist at the Moscow psychological center for family support “Contact”, centre-kontakt.ru