Congratulations, wishes, toasts are an obligatory part of the holiday. But happy is not for everyone. Some of us feel awkward and confused when it comes time to give speeches. What is the reason and how to be?
Semyon, 31 years old, cameraman
“Toasts and congratulations have never been my forte. It turned out to be confused, then boring. I tried to fix it, and then I waved my hand and went the simple way – for five years now I have always said the same thing: “My speech will be short: congratulations!” This is, so to speak, my corporate number. Who knows me, chuckles in advance, anticipating it. But I don’t tire anyone and I don’t put out myself. If I find myself in an unfamiliar company, I say a little longer: “My friends already know that my speech is short. Well, now I will introduce you to him: congratulations! That, in fact, is all.” And again, everyone is happy.”
“If I have to say a toast, I immediately forget all the words,” complains 23-year-old Lyudmila, “and at best I can only repeat what was said before me, and at worst I apologize for not coming up with anything” . Probably everyone has heard about the fear of public speaking, but it does not always occur to us that we can experience it not only in front of an unfamiliar audience, but also among friends or colleagues. “Congratulations are a small performance, even if we have only one listener,” reminds coach Maria Makarushkina.
I don’t like being the center of attention. “They’re looking at you!” – when parents say this phrase to their child, it most often expresses not delight, but condemnation. And it is preceded by something like “What have you done!” or “Shut up now!”. The situation repeats itself, and in the end, the attention of others in itself begins to be perceived as something bad, as a punishment that it would be better to avoid.
I want to be unique. “I can’t think of an original congratulation,” 28-year-old Sergey is convinced, “but I don’t want to repeat again about beautiful eyes and happiness!” When we have a free conversation, there is no one to compare us with. But festive speeches are a ritual in which formal elements are repeated. They provide a basis for comparison. “Those who are afraid to enter this implied competition must have had painful experiences in the past,” says the coach. – For example, in kindergarten, the teacher says that the child did not read poetry well. A remark, especially made in front of everyone, can hurt deeply. Peer teasing in adolescence can also lead to avoiding traumatic comparisons.” Being like everyone else is boring, not like everyone else is dangerous, and it doesn’t work out the best, and we simply refuse to participate in it.
I’m afraid to step out of my usual role. “Holidays in the team are flour for me,” admits 40-year-old Vera, head of the HR department. – I keep a distance with subordinates, it seems to me not useful to reduce it. And at the common table, my words sound cold and formal, and I feel that everyone is waiting for me to leave and it will be possible to have fun from the heart. The directive leadership style, according to Maria Makarushkina, is very effective in many respects: such bosses are feared, respected and obeyed. But many who practice this style are often hesitant to go beyond it, even after hours, because they are afraid to undermine their authority. “And absolutely in vain! — says the coach. — The more experienced the manager, the more diverse his behavioral repertoire. He knows how to casually make a toast, and joke, and become serious again when necessary. And humanity is not a hindrance to authority.
What to do?
Remember a sense of humor
Serious exam or light joke? The choice is yours! Try to treat your little speech (and at the same time to yourself for this time) with humor – and see if it becomes easier for you to make compliments and write wishes in this mood.
Prepare in advance
Good improvisation is based on good preparation. On the eve of the holiday, you can remember those congratulations that once pleased you, search the Web, look at funny drawings … By the way, one of the ways is to imagine the addressee of your congratulations as a child: what would you wish him if he were three years old? And seven?
play different roles
Think of actors you like, or someone you know who you think would do the job well. And congratulate, make toasts not on your own behalf – but in the way they would do it. For training, you can try (it doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman) to reproduce Marilyn Monroe’s congratulations to the president.
Learn more
The Art of Speaking and Listening by Mortimer Adler. Mortimer Adler, philosopher and head of the editorial board of Encyclopedia Britannica, observes: “Everything that is reflected in the faces or in the eyes of the listeners almost immediately makes it clear what is happening and what effect you have achieved. This kind of feedback is essential for effective performance” (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2013).