My first marriage ended six years ago. My son and I were left alone, and he, my husband, went to another woman. I took the breakup hard. It took me almost four years to recover. But the relationship with her ex-husband never ended — because of her son, who is now ten years old. And it weighs me down. I want to finally turn this page of my life
Each month, a Psychologies reader gets the opportunity to have a consultation with psychotherapist Alexander Budchen. The conversation is recorded on a dictaphone: this makes it possible to understand what is actually happening in the psychotherapist’s office. This time Evgenia came to the reception.
Alexander Badkhen: What do you mean when you say «perfect ex-wife»?
Evgeniya: I was very afraid that our divorce would affect my son, so I never interfered with his communication with his father. I let them see each other, I let them do whatever they want. And my ex-husband appreciates it. The only thing I do not agree to is to let my son rest with him and his new wife. The son spends his holidays separately with his dad or separately with me. Somehow we even thought the three of us to go somewhere.
AB .: How did such an idea come about?
Evgeniya: We always discuss future holidays in advance. One day, we independently decided to go to Spain and thought — maybe the three of us really have a rest? But then they nevertheless realized that this was not a good idea: the son might think that we want to live together again. Therefore, this idea had to be abandoned. And so we practically do not have disagreements about the upbringing of the child. We still understand each other well, but at the same time, each of us has long had his own life. And yet I still feel the resentment that weighs me down.
AB .: What is this insult?
Evgeniya: Evgenia (after a pause): We got married when we were students, and, to be honest, deep down I did not believe that we would live together all our lives. Nevertheless, it seemed to me that we would be able to maintain our relationship for quite a long time. And maybe my resentment is due to the fact that we lived together for such a short time.
AB .: Who are you offended by?
Evgeniya: Probably, to my husband, because he was the initiator of our divorce — he had already had another woman for some time. I had no idea about it, it seemed to me that we live well. Perhaps that is why I was so painfully worried about his deceit and parting, I blamed him for everything. But then she gradually began to calm down and was able to somehow take a fresh look at this situation. I think then I just didn’t want to notice that we were moving away from each other. Therefore, now I no longer believe that it was he who destroyed our marriage. We are both to some extent to blame.
AB .: That is, you are offended not only by him, but also by yourself.
Evgeniya: Yes, on herself for not being able, at least for the sake of her son, to save her family. Because his dad and I broke up and will never be together again. And these experiences are like a threshold through which I cannot cross in any way. Despite the fact that I have long had my own life and a wonderful relationship with another man.
AB .: It seems to you that this “threshold” separates you from a new life. And you would like to cross it, but for some reason it does not work.
Evgeniya: Yes. I don’t want to hold on to the past, on the contrary, I feel the need to move forward. Although for several years after the divorce, it seemed to me that everything could still be replayed. On the other hand, I understand that, perhaps, I will never be able to cross this threshold, because there is a son who connects me with my ex-husband.
AB .: That is, you cannot yet let go of the experience that seems to have already ended.
«I LIKE WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO TELL ME: CALM UP, YOU CAN NEVER ERASE THE PAST»
Evgeniya: And I can’t understand why. It seemed to me that resentment against her husband was preventing me from doing this. Or maybe a feeling of incompleteness?
AB .: And this feeling is supported by such an easy relationship between you that you even think about going to Spain together.
(Evgenia smiles.)
AB .: What are you smiling at?
Evgeniya: I’m just wondering what an outsider is trying to help me understand myself. After all, I’m used to figuring things out on my own. I understand that I needed a conversation with a psychologist immediately after the divorce, and now it seems surprising to me that after so many years I decided to turn to a specialist. I tell you about my desire to step over the threshold, but I’m not sure that this can be done. Perhaps I am waiting for someone authoritative to tell me: you have nothing to worry about at all, since your emotional state is absolutely natural in such a situation; when people communicate because they have a child, it is quite difficult for them to end a past relationship. I would then calm down and after six months I would not remember it at all.
AB .: That is, you want someone to tell you: «Eugenia, don’t worry, it’s normal.»
Evgeniya: Yes. You just need to get used to the fact that you can never cross out the past, emotionally distance yourself from your ex-husband, because a child connects you with him. Stop engaging in unnecessary self-digging.
AB .: When they dig, they want to find something. Maybe you are looking for something? You said that the relationship with your ex-husband, on the one hand, has ended, and on the other, something else remains between you.
Evgeniya: Our relationship as husband and wife, as man and woman is over. But I understand that the relationship as mom and dad cannot end. And maybe this is the threshold that I am trying to cross, but in fact it is impossible to cross it.
AB .: Then maybe you just need to accept this situation?
Evgeniya: Yes you are right! I also have this thought now. There is some balance in our relationship, and maybe it’s time to just accept the situation for what it is? And this idea of stepping over the threshold is more of a psychological moment. And in fact, I already crossed it.
AB .: Indeed, there are moments that we may not be aware of, but they affect the relationship, the emotional state.
Evgeniya: Yes, you said correctly. By inertia, I try to do what I have already done. And I don’t realize it. You know, it’s like I’m trying to get off the bus, which in fact I got off a long time ago, and the bus went to the next stop. Reality has already changed, but I did not notice it.
AB .: Try to listen to what is happening now. What do you feel?
Evgeniya: There was lightness. This image brought me relief.
AB .: I think you have found a very capacious metaphor. She says that you can end a relationship, but psychologically continue to keep yourself in them and live simultaneously in two mismatched spaces. It is as if one part of your personality accepts the fact of what happened, and the other tries to live as if nothing happened, thereby remaining in the past. And this can cause confusion, bewilderment, misunderstanding of oneself. It seems to me that discovering this inner duality in yourself is a big step.
Evgeniya: Yes, I agree. After all, I constantly think about relations with my ex-husband, and it seemed to me that I had studied myself, I understand well. And now I have a feeling that I overlooked something, misjudged the situation. You know, there are such pictures: everything is blurry on them, but if you look closely, see this picture from a certain angle, then some kind of figure appears. It seems to me that I saw my situation very blurry, and now clear outlines have appeared through this fog.
For privacy reasons, the name and some personal details have been changed.
The recording of the conversation is published with abbreviations.