It’s hard for me because…

A friend comes to our aid, a life partner unexpectedly gives something for no reason, a colleague says a compliment … And we suddenly get embarrassed, mumble something inappropriately or cannot utter a word at all in response. Such confusion in a seemingly simple situation suggests that it is difficult for us to express our gratitude. It is not always easy to share your feelings with others. It is not always easy to feel indebted to someone or admit that you are infinitely happy about something. Nevertheless, you can learn to thank – sincerely and from the bottom of your heart, without commonplaces and ornate polite formulas, in which the more words, the less ourselves. Four useful lessons for those who find it difficult to express their feelings.

… I never have enough

Ksenia Korbut, psychoanalyst:

“The ability to experience and express gratitude is associated with the most powerful experience at the beginning of life – the feeling of complete satisfaction or dissatisfaction that we felt thanks to the mother’s breast and care for us. If we have the feeling that we were “not enough” (whether it really was so or if it was a figment of our imagination), then no matter what another person does for us today, it will not be enough for us. On the other hand, it is also difficult for those who received more than was necessary (spoiled and overprotective people) to experience a sense of gratitude: they do not perceive a kind gesture from another person as a gift, for them it is in the order of things.

How to make a difference. If we do not know how to sincerely say thank you – neither to another, nor to ourselves, if we are not grateful for our own life and suffer from it, a course of psychotherapy or psychoanalysis will be needed. “It will help to understand what happened in our childhood (real or in our fantasies) and how this experience affects us,” says Ksenia Korbut. – If the difficulty arises in communicating with specific people, it is worth considering what is the nature of our relationship with them. And to clarify what we are projecting onto this situation.” Did the partner’s gift cause a feeling of annoyance? Perhaps, deep down, we expect something different from him. Does a colleague compliment cause embarrassment? Maybe we don’t like him (although we didn’t notice this) and we don’t want to get close to him. Learning to be aware of your feelings is the first step in mastering the science of gratitude.”

…I feel indebted

Margarita Zhamkochyan, psychotherapist:

“We have a difficult relationship with words of gratitude. Often we say them only because we are uncomfortable feeling indebted to the person who did something good for us. Saying “thank you”, we wish him salvation (“God save”), saying “thank you”, we give him something of ourselves, a piece of our goodness and warmth. In this way, we restore balance in the relationship, which, in our opinion, was disturbed by a good deed of another person. But the more unexpected the compliment or gift was, the more dependent it makes us on the other, we feel weaker, more vulnerable and defenseless. The logic of our thoughts is as follows: “I didn’t ask you for anything. Why did you give it to me? By your actions you deprive me of my freedom, you expect gratitude from me. Should I give you something in return?” It is these thoughts that do not allow us to simply rejoice at the gift and force us to defend our independence and protect the borders of our territory.

How to make a difference. It is important to understand that gratitude is not a matter of personal choice, but a ritual exchange that regulates relations in society. “If we want to facilitate our relations with other people, we need to learn how to thank them, cultivate such a habit in ourselves,” says Margarita Zhamkochyan. – To begin with, you can use ready-made formulations that will help you easily and calmly return to a person the positive message that he put in his compliment or gift: “I am pleased to hear (receive) this from you.”