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Some of us find it difficult to take responsibility for our actions. They tend to justify themselves and shift the blame onto others. How does this habit come about?
Five-year-old Alina knocked over a glass of milk. “It’s not my fault!” she screams. Yes, of course, her brother at the other end of the table is to blame. We are to blame, because we talked to her and distracted her. Blame the unfortunate glass, the rickety table that blinded her with a ray of sun. She is five years old, and her behavior is understandable. But we, adults, often make excuses in the same way. We are not to blame, but someone else, circumstances, bad luck or Pushkin.
“The easiest way to get rid of guilt is to dump it on something external,” reminds psychoanalyst Robert Neuburger. Why is it difficult for us to accept this feeling, despite the fact that we have learned to cope well with both anger and sadness? “These two emotions do not cause shame,” explains psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle. “We can get rid of them with crying, screaming.” But the guilt remains with us, and it is too difficult to bear it.
Why? Here are three reasons.
I don’t want to doubt myself
Guilt makes us vulnerable. “She catches by surprise,” says Robert Neuburger. “And our self-image is changing.” Everyone has an idealized image of themselves. And suddenly a real or perceived mistake spoils everything. We are forced to doubt ourselves, and perhaps we will be disappointed. We lose peace and confidence. And if the neighbor is to blame, self-esteem does not suffer. We avoid thoughts that might hurt.
I’m afraid of punishment
We want to remain impeccable in the eyes of others so as not to cause rejection. After all, we need to connect with them in order to survive.
“Behind our excuses lies a huge fear: the fear of losing love and being alone,” emphasizes Virginie Meggle. And the feeling of guilt activates scripts related to the events of our lives. We are afraid of being abandoned (abandonment scenario), not being liked (abandonment scenario), showing our weaknesses (imperfection scenario). When we make a mistake, we anticipate punishment. And being “punished” at 50 is just as unpleasant as at five.
I attribute to others what I don’t like about myself
In order not to disappoint either others or ourselves, we use an unconscious and very powerful defense mechanism. “It’s a projection mechanism,” explains Virginie Meggle. “We reproach others for what we ourselves sin, refusing to admit it.”
We reproach both for mistakes and for “bad” character traits and feelings. This is especially noticeable in couples: the other always demands too much from me or loves not so much. But admitting this is too risky for both self-esteem and a sense of security. And the psyche protects us – fortunately or unfortunately.
Personal experience
Emma, 33, nurse
“Everything around me seemed not good enough. I blamed others because I actually felt constantly guilty. When I thought about where this feeling comes from, I quickly remembered that as a child I often heard: “You don’t study well enough” or “You didn’t clean the room well.” And any imperfection again threw me into a state where I had to apologize. I had too much guilt, so I put it on others! And then I was able to take on my part of the responsibility – only my own. And I’m more willing to give others “them” a part. Only them.”
What to do?
React Consciously
Figure out what you say and do involuntarily, out of duty – for example, to avoid feelings of guilt. What makes you embarrassed and ashamed? Answer this question to stop responding automatically. And to alleviate the feeling of guilt, and hence the desire to shift it to someone else, do good deeds. Attention to others, benevolence and gratitude are effective means.
Come to terms with imperfection
By blaming mistakes on someone else, we do not get rid of guilt. This is an ineffective strategy. Perfection is a goal we strive for, but not a reality.
It is better to accept your imperfection. We are imperfect beings. Recognizing this makes us stronger: we become fairer to ourselves. Making peace with ourselves is more comforting than blaming, whether we blame ourselves or others.
Explore guilt
Meditation, for example, allows you to accept your emotions without fear or judgment. Listen to what’s going on inside you. If this seems too difficult, ask yourself: what might happen if you plead guilty? This will allow you to understand what consequences you are trying to avoid and help clarify the internal scenario.