Almost all of us are sure: if a partner lies, cheating on us, this is wrong or even terrible. But we ourselves will do exactly the same if we have an affair on the side. Psychologist Esther Perel discusses this and other paradoxes of infidelity.
Monogamy once meant one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person for a while. Many of you have probably said, «I am monogamous in every one of my novels.» We used to have sexual relations after we got married. Now, when we marry someone, we stop sexual relations with everyone else. The bottom line is that monogamy had nothing to do with love. The man counted on female fidelity, because it was important for him to know whose children they were and who would receive his cows after his death.
Percentage of incorrect
Today, everyone is interested to know what is the percentage of cheaters. I get asked this question all the time. But the boundaries of “infidelity” continue to expand: texting sex, watching porn, secretly using a dating app… So while there is no agreement on what counts as infidelity, estimates vary widely, from 26 to 75%. But even here there are contradictions. 95% of us will say that when a partner, having an affair, lies to us, this is terribly wrong, but about the same number of us will do the same ourselves if they have an affair.
I like the definition of infidelity, which has three key elements: secret relationships as the basis of infidelity, emotional connection (to varying degrees), sexual alchemy. Alchemy is an important word here, because the erotic tension can be so strong that the imaginary kiss drives us as crazy as hours of waking lovemaking. Our imagination is responsible for love, not the other person, as Marcel Proust said.
Cheating has always been painful, but today it is traumatic because it threatens our sense of self.
It has never been easier to change, and it has never been more difficult to keep it a secret. And never has infidelity caused such psychological damage. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened economic security. But now that marriage has become a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional stability. It is ironic that we have turned into adultery what was a search for pure love. But now, when we are looking for love in marriage, infidelity destroys it.
We have a romantic ideal that one person is destined to fulfill an endless list of our needs: he must be my greatest lover, my best friend, excellent parent, confidant, emotional companion, intellectual companion. And at the same time I am chosen, unique, necessary, irreplaceable, I am the only one. And unfaithfulness destroys this great claim of love. And if betrayal was painful at all times, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of «I».
Breaking trust
Such a misfortune happened to my patient Fernando. Here are his words: “I thought I knew something about my life. I thought I knew who you are, who we are as a couple, who I am. But now I’m not sure of anything.» Infidelity is a breach of trust, an identity crisis. «Will I ever trust someone again?» he asks.
My patient Heather said the same thing when she talked about her relationship with Nick. Married, two children. Nick was away on a business trip, and Heather was playing with the boys on his iPad when she saw a message appear on the screen: «I can’t wait to see you.» How strange, she thought, we had just parted ways. Then another message came: «I want to hug you.» And Heather realized it wasn’t about her.
She told me about her father — he had affairs, and mother once found a note in his pocket, and on his collar — a trace of lipstick. And Heather looked through the messages and found hundreds of them, and many sent and received photos, and descriptions of various desires. The novel lasted two years, and now it flashed before her eyes in all its details in a short time. And it occurred to me: betrayal of the digital age is a deadly slideshow.
At the very heart of infidelity, you will often find a desire and impulse for emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for independence.
But here is another paradox that we face in our time. Believing in the romantic ideal, we seriously count on the fidelity of a partner. But we have never been more inclined to look around. This is not happening because we have new desires — we live in an era where we are encouraged to follow our desires. We live in a culture where I deserve to be happy. And if earlier we got divorced because we were unhappy, today we get divorced because we can be even happier. And if divorce was once a shame, today a new shame is to save a marriage when you can get a divorce.
So Heather couldn’t tell her friends because she was afraid they’d judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she went she got the same advice: leave him. Don’t carry your suitcase without a handle. And if Nick had been in her place, he would have been in the same situation. Not getting divorced is the new shame.
So why, when we get the opportunity to get a divorce, do we start romances on the side? A typical assumption: if someone cheats, then something is wrong with him or with us. But millions of people cannot be out of order. This logic (if you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to look for something else) suggests the existence of an ideal marriage, which is like an inoculation against our desire to change places. But what if passion has a limited shelf life? What if there is something that the best relationship cannot provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?
Finding Yourself
The vast majority of those with whom I work are by no means chronic don Juan. They are often monogamous in their beliefs, at least with regard to their partner. But they discover that there is a conflict between their values and behavior. Often these are people who have been faithful for decades, but one day, at the risk of losing everything, they cross a line that they never intended to cross. For what? What flickers to them in the distance?
Betrayal is betrayal, but it is also an expression of longing and loss. At the very heart of infidelity, you will often find a yearning and urge for emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for independence, for sexual brilliance, for regaining lost parts of yourself, or for regaining vitality in the face of loss or tragedy.
When we seek the gaze of another, we sometimes turn away not from our partner, but from ourselves.
I remember another patient of mine named Priya — a happy marriage, a beloved husband and not the slightest desire to offend this wonderful person. But she always did what was expected of her: she was a good girl, a good mother, she took care of her parents who came from another country. And so she fell in love with a gardener who cleaned the trees broken by a hurricane in her garden. He had a truck and tattoos and was the exact opposite of her. But for her, at 47, this romance was an attempt to be a teenager, which she never was.
Recalling her story, I think that when we seek the gaze of another person, in doing so, we sometimes turn away not from our partner, but from ourselves, as we have become. And this is not so much about the fact that we are looking for someone else, but about the fact that we are looking for our own other «I».
About the expert: Esther Perel is a psychotherapist, an expert in the field of cultural and social stereotypes that affect relationships in a couple.