It lives while it changes

“It is enough to love each other – and everything will be fine with sex.” This notion is part of the modern romantic ideal of relationship. Sensuality, passion seem to many to be taken for granted if the partners sincerely love each other. Therefore, when attraction weakens or disappears altogether, it frightens us.

“As the main reasons, men and women name the habit of each other, general fatigue, living conditions and household stress,” says Polina Kozyreva, Doctor of Sociology. “Lack of attraction is more often complained about by couples who have children.” It has also been noted that the longer the partners live together, the weaker their interest in sex and the more anxiety and doubt about their own capabilities increase for each of them.

According to family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova, the focus on desire is explained by the consumer approach to life that prevails in modern European society.

“Today it is generally accepted that a successful person should be at his best in sexual relations,” she notes. – And the frequency of having sex has become a barometer of relationships in a couple. We live in a mode of chasing after pleasure, which does not fit well with the laws of desire. Because the desire, in order to grow and express itself, requires restrictions, inaccessibility, as well as the distance between partners and time. And the desire to achieve attraction at any cost is the best way to scare him off.

Desire doesn’t drain, it changes shape

Thanks to the discoveries of neurophysiologists in the field of love and sexual relationships, we know that we are biologically programmed to naturally desire intimacy with a partner for a maximum of three years – this period is necessary to ensure the continuation of the family.

“A powerful sexual desire captures us completely and gives rise to such strong sensations that men and women retain a taste for it for a long time and feel regret when it becomes dull,” explains sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko. “And yet, if a strong attraction begins to wane, this does not mean that we completely lose desire.”

According to family therapists, such hasty conclusions are due to confusion between the concepts of “desire” and “excitation”. “Sexuality in a period of passion is different than in a period of long-term attachment,” says sexologist Gonzag de Laroque. “It is the comparison between “then” and “now” that undermines trust in a couple and extinguishes feelings.”

“Getting used to another does not mean losing desire,” agrees Inna Khamitova. – On the contrary, subtle, intimate knowledge of the other, which has arisen over the years, can contribute to deeper and more creative relationships. But to do that, you first have to accept the fact that desire changes over time.”

Its source is in our emotions

According to the Institute of Health and Medical Research and the National Institute for Demographic Research (France, 2006), after fifteen years of marriage, 40% of women and 23% of men say that they do not experience sexual desire, or call it not strong enough. At the same time, women are more likely to lose attraction to a permanent partner.

“Men are more focused on their physiology than on relationships with a partner,” explains Yevgeny Kashchenko. – Women are more sensitive to the general emotional mood in a relationship. It is enough to have tension in communication with a partner so that their desire weakens or disappears altogether.

Desire is subject to fluctuations: stress, fatigue or life difficulties can paralyze it, and sometimes for a long time. It has peaks and valleys: in this respect, it behaves in the same way as, for example, our appetite. “In a sexual relationship, even minor disagreements are visible, as if under a spotlight,” warns Gonzag de Laroque. – The more disagreements, the less the power of desire.

Another problem is our passivity: I meet more and more men and women who simply do not invest themselves in sexual relationships. They are waiting for activity, initiative from a partner and blame it on him if their feelings lose their brightness. However, the first thing to ask yourself when you feel dissatisfied is: “What is my share of responsibility here?”

He needs attention, space and time

“As soon as a partner becomes an extension of me, understandable and predictable, he ceases to be desirable,” explains psychologist Svetlana Solovieva. – Attraction needs spiritual intimacy and some detachment at the same time, so it is important for us to remain closed to each other to some extent.

A man as a hunter needs to overcome obstacles, and a woman needs to feel desired. So that the attraction does not fade away, you need to strive to realize your roles, nourish them. Realizing the importance of this, we are already halfway to success.

If we are not interested in something in a partner in which he does not coincide with us, desire falls asleep. Everything unfamiliar worries us, sometimes hurts, but this shock, along with tenderness and sensuality, is the basis of erotic relationships in a couple. In order not to lose desire, we need to preserve our individuality, personal space, not allow ourselves to be tamed or simplified. As long as the two have the feeling that they are part strangers, desire will burn in them.