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“It is very good for a man to be like cheese, but it is not what you need to be happy”
Silvia Llop, psychologist
The psychologist Silvia Llop analyzes in ‘Send him to shit’ what must be taken into account to choose the right person as a partner
As much as some insist on denying it, one of the things that matters most to us is love. And within this, as if it were a subgenre, the partner search It is one of those concepts that haunt us on a daily basis. We like to hear the stories of our friends, we like to watch movies and read books and we like to talk about it. Of course, we are not so funny when we are the center of the story. Because although having dates and stories a bit bizarre seems fun, when we suffer them in our own flesh and love disappointments begin to accumulate, we like it a little less.
The psychologist Silvia Llop has created a guide to make these experiences more bearable. From the first pages of ‘Fuck him: you deserve better’ (Current Platform), makes clear the intention: “Free ourselves from the ‘fig fools’ and find someone who loves us and treats us as we deserve.” Through her own testimonies and those of other women, the psychologist raises different situations that she assures are universal. Your ultimate goal? Give the keys to “choose a man who respects you and is proud to have you by his side, without having to play or manipulate, being one hundred percent authentic.”
The entire book is focused from the female perspective, which analyzes her relationships with men. Can’t the advice you give from men to women be applied? Or in pairs of the same gender?
It can be applied exactly the same. I have written the book like this because 95% of my followers and clients are women, and also since I am a woman, and heterosexual, it is the most natural way for me to tell it. But it has been read by gay men, lesbian women, straight men, and they have all told me that it has served them the same. What happens is that to read it and that it works for you, you have to change the gender in your head, and that this does not bother you. If it squeaks at you, then you probably won’t like it. I think that if one is comfortable changing gender, or you or the person you are talking to, it will go well for you.
So, the feminine and masculine archetypes have nothing to do, but rather you talk about dynamics between people …
Of course, I conceive love as something universal: the suffering that love generates, the situations, are universal. It is true that biologically speaking men and women have differences, but in the end in love stories, whatever their gender, exactly the same thing always happens. We feel just as shitty when someone treats us badly, male or female.
Throughout the book, the idea of ”avoiding making the same mistakes” is reiterated: Isn’t that a way of putting all the blame behind our backs?
From where I see psychology, the philosophy that I have on a day-to-day basis is that I have the power in my life; I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I act and how I integrate what happens to me so that later the same things do not happen again. I start from that perspective, not from blaming ourselves, but from having the power to change our future taking into account our past and the things we could have done differently. The most negative experiences that we go through give us necessary information that, if we integrate into our reality, instead of staying with rages, fears and hatred, we can manage to change our reality so that later, in the future, it does not happen to us. same.
The times in which we live, in which we meet many people thanks to Tinder and other apps, does it make us a little more insensitive, that we are able to have more relationships with less emotional ties?
On the one hand, yes: if we have a lot of people ‘available’, that effect is created of thinking that we have a lot of possibilities and go testing and testing. But it also gives us a richness to avoid having to stay with the first person who passes by, which is something that happened before. As we did not have these technologies that help us meet more people, when you met someone who was minimally decent, that you minimally liked, because you thought “I’ll stay with you for life.” So there are both sides. I like more being able to choose and experiment, and then stay with someone who really brings me nice things and that is not because there is no one else available.
Do you think there is a time when we can no longer ‘get carried away’ and we have to make a list of requirements of what we are looking for, or is the free will factor always important?
I think the list you should have is your standards, and your standards are those things that you need in a relationship to be happy, something that varies between people. There are things that are very universal, such as honesty, good communication, or a similar sense of humor, but there are other things that, to discover, we must first review our experience. For example, I realized at one point in my life that I needed a partner who would show me affection with hugs, kisses, with words, because if I did not have it, even if the person loved me very much and showed it to me in a thousand ways, I felt that I was missing something, that I could not be happy at all, because it is something very important to me; it’s on my motherboard. There are people who, for example, need a partner who gives them a lot of space, a lot of freedom, otherwise they will drown. This is the important list, the list of things that are essential to feel happy in your relationship. What is not important is that you put a string to me as if I am handsome, that I have three careers and that I am an athlete: this is when the list becomes very heavy. When we get older, especially I see it in people over 50, they have a kilometer list, and I explain to them that half of that list is not really what they need to be happy in a relationship. We have to be careful not to add too many filters because then nobody can fulfill them.
So, it is to have a couple of important things, but not to add more banal things …
Exactly, do not put straw. Yes, it is all very well for a man to be like cheese, but it is not what you need to be happy. Sure, there has to be attraction, but when we spin so fine then we get the chance to meet people who can be super valid, especially on the subject of ‘apps’, because there we put a lot of filters. If we remove these and go to what is really important to us, there we can make a more conscious selection and that will come to fruition.
What is a good attitude to face on first dates?
The first dates are only to have fun, make yourself known, be as authentic as possible and let the other person express themselves. You have to create that climate of trust and fun. Then, when you get back home, you will hit the coconut if you want, but on the date all you have to do is have fun and show yourself.
Why is it so important to know ourselves in order to have a healthy relationship?
When you know yourself, it is much easier to know what your standards are: what is important for you to have a healthy and happy relationship. This is a point that is essential because, if you do not know yourself, you are taking blind steps, staying with one and the other, and you do not quite know what it is that makes the relationship not work. Sometimes it is simply that there is no compatibility in personalities, that you do not fit in with what the other person is like and needs. Self-knowledge is very important, and so is self-esteem, loving yourself a lot, knowing how you are and appreciating that unique thing, because nobody is exactly the same as you and sometimes we forget. We try to bury certain characteristics of ours that are not good, but in the end we are a whole, and without these characteristics you would not be you. We must try to be more affectionate with ourselves, say nice things to ourselves and stop talking so ugly. Sometimes we talk very badly to each other.
In general, is this dating thing a bit like ‘whoever follows her gets it’?
It is the same as when you go to look for work. Do you think, do I have a better chance of having a job if I go to an interview or if I go to 100? Well, this is the same, the more open you are to meeting people, always with a good attitude, the better it will be for you. But you can’t go thinking “I’m never going to find anyone”, because that way you can already have 100 dates, you’re going to be bitter. You have to have appointments only when you feel that you are well, that you feel like it, that it is something that makes you excited. Do not go forced. This is something that I recommend not to do, do not go on a date if you do not feel like it, because then you are feeding back your negativity a bit, and that puts you in a well that is not good. Dating yes, but wanting.
Silvia Llop graduated in psychology from the University of Barcelona. He continued his studies by obtaining a master’s degree in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) at the Mens Venilia school and a postgraduate degree in Practical Psychotherapy at Mensalus, as well as several courses in emotional intelligence. It is part of the International Federation of Coaching and Mentoring.
Before focusing on the psychology of love and relationships, she worked in different areas, such as marketing, customer service, creative writing, and psychotherapy for children. Each of them gave her experiences that helped her grow personally and professionally. Since she decided to focus on people who are looking for love and who want to create stable and lasting relationships, she has discovered her true calling and is happier than ever.