“It is possible and necessary to talk with children about the war from the age of four”

Researchers of historical memory have long identified the “problem of the fourth generation”: descendants who do not find witnesses alive no longer feel anything. You can read the posts of parents on the forums to be convinced of this: “Children know practically nothing about the war”; “For them, the Second World War is like the war of 1812, something distant and two-dimensional, like a picture in a textbook”; “They are playing tanks for the Germans.”

Child psychologist Yulia Kononova believes that if we want to convey to the child what war means, we need to turn to those experiences and meanings that are available to him.

Psychologies: At what age can you start talking to children about the war?

Julia Kononova: Telling, answering questions – you can already starting from three or four years. Even if you take Russian fairy tales, there the heroes are constantly at war with someone. There are many images around us, one way or another connected with the war: monuments, military equipment, people in uniform. Sooner or later, questions arise on their own.

Just three days ago, my twins and I went on an excursion to the Aurora cruiser in St. Petersburg. Babies are four years old. They saw the cannon and asked: “Why is it needed?” This was the moment when I first had to talk about the war. And it is very important how to talk about the war, so as not to frighten, and to convey such important lessons to humanity. On the cruiser we went downstairs, where there were several rooms dedicated to the revolution. There were guns, helmets, uniforms, a military doctor’s first-aid kit, and paintings. One of them shows a battle.

I said that this is the war. And she explained it this way: “Once upon a time there were dads, mothers, children, grandparents on our land. And bad uncles came and said: we will live on your land, and you get out. Of course, the popes all stood up and said: we will not leave here, this is our land. And they began to protect their mothers, children, grandparents. They took out guns and began to defend. And of course, they themselves got it: they were wounded. This one got a bullet in his arm, this one has a sore leg, and this one has a bandaged head. But he got up anyway and helped his comrades. They were all very hurt, but they stood to the last.

And how did they react?

When I said that people were in a lot of pain, my daughter said: “Mom, you know, it hurts me too now.”

Telling children about pain and death, we do not traumatize them?

Pain and fear are part of our lives. It is important not to go away from these topics, but to explain: yes, it happens. There are wars. It’s great that it’s not happening now, but it could happen again.

If we ourselves are afraid to talk about something, we are silent about something – this is passed on to the child. Young children feel your attitude and are guided by it more than by your words. It’s not so much the information that’s traumatic, but how the parent talks about it. For many adults, this topic is difficult and painful. But do not avoid talking if the child asks. Do not brush it off, say: “Grow up, you will know.” If you don’t respond to his need for curiosity, you break his trust by giving him the opportunity to learn about it from someone else.

What can be the answer to the question: “Why are wars happening now?”

After that incident, my daughters were under the impression for several days, they told their relatives about it. And at some point they asked: “Why is this happening? Why do wars happen? I answered like this: “Yes, there are wars now, and I am very sorry that this is happening. Despite how much suffering and hardship our grandparents endured, some people continue to quarrel, swear, and fight. And it does not always depend on us that this does not happen. But we can do what we can – be considerate of others, listen to them, take steps towards reconciliation.

That is, it is necessary to show how some actions lead to war, while others do not?

Yes, even give such exercises: let’s learn to put up, make friends, resolve conflicts. What would you do if you were called an offensive word? You can hit, yes. But it will be a small war. How else? In group classes with children and trainings with teenagers, I often arrange such themed days. For example, today is the day of kindness. And today we are learning to be reconciled. Today, share. By doing ordinary things and interacting with other children, we focus on what the meaning of this day is. It is very important to take friendship lessons with children, thereby laying ideas about ethics, communication, and boundaries.

It turns out that you can talk about the war calmly?

It is as calm as possible – yes, this happens. It doesn’t always depend on us. And the emphasis should be on the fact that war means difficulties. Everyone has them, but they can be experienced – as our great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers survived. Give specific examples, talk about what your relatives did during the war when they were also children. The emphasis is not on how some killed others, but on how people helped each other. For example, in besieged Leningrad, one girl – weak and fragile, of short stature – went to the radio every day and read her poems, saying: “Don’t be afraid, everything will be fine.” It’s about Olga Berggolts. Approach it from an interpersonal perspective. After all, the war has affected every family, and everyone has their own story.

What wartime stories can be told to children?

You can, for example, introduce them to Tanya Savicheva – a girl who wrote a diary. Show her face, tell what she faced, how she described her life. This is what is at the level of their understanding. And, of course, to talk about grandparents – how they fought, how they coped with difficulties.

For example, in our family there is a great-grandmother who survived the war. And when children start acting up, I tell them that as a child, my grandmother had such a time when she could not even eat soup – only a small piece of bread for the day. If a modern teenager is deprived of a computer for a week, it will be a tragedy for him. And it is important to acknowledge his feelings: “Yes, it’s probably hard for you.” But at the same time, tell about the life of great-grandparents, who faced other, much greater difficulties. And the teenager will learn to understand that life does not end with the absence of gadgets.

And how to explain to a child what patriotism is? Why were people ready to die but not surrender to the enemy?

The same is true for simple examples. This is your home and you protect it. The child should have a feeling of home and an understanding that this house is good. Even if you leave somewhere, travel around the world and do not recognize the existing political system. Feeling at home is linked to a basic sense of security in the world. If it is violated, it can cause great psychological problems. If a child lives in a family where the Motherland is constantly scolded, he does not learn to appreciate what he sees around.

How to talk about genocide and concentration camps? It’s hard for adults to wrap their heads around: killing millions of people simply because they were born that way.

Of course, genocide and camps are too early for young children. But we can talk about why some people do not like those who are not like them. Again, I will give an example from conversations with my daughters. Once we were walking on the street and saw an African American. And they exclaimed: “Mom, look at what uncle’s skin is black.”

And I said: “Yes, you can imagine, there are people who have black skin. And there are those who have narrow eyes. But inside each of them flows red blood – exactly the same as we have with you. But it happens that someone says: if you are white, then you are smarter and better. But these people are wrong, because inside we are all the same. The main thing is the actions of each person.

What about teenagers? They already have their own opinion on many issues.

But with teenagers, you can just talk about the complexity of the situation that led to the war. Reflect on the reasons and motives of those people who attacked the country. For example, how the Germans lived before the war. Why did they join the fascist army. It is very important to teach them to think, to consider different sides. As, for example, the Germans themselves, ordinary people, lived between the wars. Erich Maria Remarque writes about this well, whom they can already understand. What lessons can be learned from the wars of the XNUMXth century? Explain to them that the ability to negotiate is important for relations not only between people, but also between states.

And if a teenager is interested in war, talks about it with enthusiasm?

Adolescents often have an interest in death, violence, they can behave aggressively, choose appropriate clothes – for example, in military style. They try in this way to prove their importance, independence, adulthood. This is often parasitized by those who are trying to draw children into various risky adventures – the same “groups of death”, for example.

But if a teenager admires murder and violence, this may be an echo of the dysfunctional atmosphere that was in the family, the stress they suffered. This means that in childhood he was not given love, he feels unnecessary. He does not feel the value of his life and does not value the lives of others.

How do you prepare for this conversation? Do I need to specifically choose the time, select examples?

The main thing is that before that you honestly talk to yourself: what causes you pain, what war means to you, what is especially difficult for you to accept. A parent educates with himself – not with the words that he speaks, but with himself. And the child feels it.

And what absolutely should not be done?

To intimidate with war, to dedicate to terrible details and absolutely terrible pictures. Needless to say, war is something hopeless, where people only killed and turned into animals.

On the other hand, there is an opinion: it is better to scare them properly, so that later there is no illusion that the war is only fanfare and medals on the uniform.

And 50% of such a frightened child is a future rapist.

Why?

He needs to somehow put in his head why people commit such cruel acts. And he decides: “OK, in the world everything happens like this. Well, that’s what I’m going to be.” If the world is cruel to you, in order to survive in it, you yourself need to take the side of the rapist.

It is important at each stage of growing up to give information in the form in which it is understandable to the child. It is important to keep the child’s trust so that he can turn to the parent with any questions, while remaining inquisitive. Being a parent is not an overwork and a feat, but an exciting journey with a child, in which you constantly discover something new in yourself and in life and together answer a variety of questions, including about the war.