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In a relationship with a partner, it is important not to hush up, but to openly clarify any disagreements. But how to do it correctly is a more difficult question. After all, often such conversations end in quarrels, which only increase misunderstanding. Psychologist Ksenia Kukoleva explains what steps should be taken to establish a constructive dialogue with a partner.
Imagine Saturday morning. You stayed at home to spend the day with your loved one. Everything would be fine, but suddenly a strong irritation appeared inside, which is difficult to hide. The reason is a partner who managed to do something “wrong” even before breakfast. Then he asks an innocent question, and you flare up and, of course, lash out. A quarrel ensues, in which everyone presents all the accumulated grievances.
It is generally accepted that relationships are work. But it is not clear what needs to be done so that the relationship finally “works” as it should. One of the conditions is the ability to tell your partner in time what does not suit you. But how to do this so that the conversation does not turn into a scandal? And most importantly, do we really always know what exactly does not suit us and what result we want to get?
In order for the dialogue to be constructive, let’s try to «rewind» the situation to the moment when the partner did something not the way you wanted. But instead of accumulating dissatisfaction and throwing it out at the first opportunity, I suggest taking five steps that will help change the end of the weekend.
1. Track down what exactly caused irritation
For example, the music he listens to, the habit of leaving a cup of unfinished coffee or an unsealed tube of toothpaste in the bathroom infuriates you. Perhaps annoying is the manner of joking, dressing, taste preferences, hobbies. Try as honestly as possible to admit to yourself what kind of partner’s action causes a violent negative reaction. Even if the cause of irritation seems ridiculous and insignificant, do not ignore it.
Formulate the problem like this: “It pisses me off that he/she did this again”, but do not tell anyone about it.
2. Find a secluded place where you can be alone
You tracked the disturbing feeling, understood what act caused it. You do not need to immediately declare it to a partner. It is best to go to another room or go for a short walk. Find a place where you will not be disturbed, if possible, turn off your mobile phone.
3. Determine the true cause of dissatisfaction
Try alone with yourself to consider the experience from different angles. Give it a name first — «unpleasant feeling» sounds vague and won’t help clarify the situation. Think about which word best describes your condition? Say it mentally or out loud: irritation, annoyance, indignation, anger, indignation, disgust, anxiety, resentment, disappointment. Perhaps you will choose some other word or image that best conveys the essence of the experience.
Remember how long ago this habit of a partner began to annoy and cause other negative emotions. Perhaps you would not have given it any importance before.
Most likely, an unsealed tube of toothpaste or dirty dishes in the sink are just an excuse, but not the real reason for dissatisfaction. By itself, an empty coffee cup left on the table is just a cup. But she has become a symbol of internal conflict in which a loved one is involved.
For example, you are annoyed that your partner spends his day off watching a football match. But if you look deeper, you will be hurt by his inattention and unwillingness to spend the Sabbath together.
Or you were pissed off by his jokes that have not seemed funny for a long time. But it is hardly the reason in his manner of telling jokes. Probably, once you laughed along with him. It’s just that now these jokes are an unpleasant reminder of how different you are.
4. State the problem
Now the cause of strong emotions has become clearer. You may even feel some relief. The unpleasant feeling has changed — it has ceased to be huge and shapeless, preventing self-control. It became more understandable, concrete, tangible.
Try to reformulate the problem. Now instead of «It pisses me off that he/she did this again» it should look something like:
- I get upset when he/she forgets my requests.
- It hurts me when I notice that we like different things.
- I feel lonely when he/she is completely absorbed in his/her hobby.
- I miss his/her attention.
5. Talk to a partner
Agree, the internal state has changed a lot while you were doing from the first to the fourth points. At first, it was difficult to deal with emotions. Now they are not so strong, they have become clearer and more understandable, which means that the right moment has come for a conversation. Now it is easier to discuss everything calmly, without accusations and reproaches.
In dialogue, it is important to shift the focus from the annoying object — that very cup of coffee — to the feelings that it causes. Use the phrases from the fourth paragraph. Tell your partner about your need, such as wanting to spend more time together. Avoid value judgments and do not suggest that he change. Tune in not only to talk about yourself, but also be ready to hear the feelings of another. Try to understand his needs and desires, show that you are ready for a dialogue.
Don’t expect the problem to go away completely the first time. After all, the main goal of such conversations is to learn to hear the needs and feelings of each other. Only having mastered this skill, you will begin to notice changes not in words, but in deeds.