“It hurts me when someone else is chosen”: is there any benefit to jealousy?

We experience jealousy as an unpleasant, burning feeling that arises from the feeling that a very significant, dear to us person does not choose us. It is a mixture of anger, fear of loss and pain of rejection.

Recent studies have shown that the experience of rejection affects the same brain structures that are activated during the experience of physical pain. That is, jealousy is a painful experience not only in terms of the soul. Why?

It is based on the fear of losing someone important to us. This fear has an evolutionary basis. The conditions for survival in the wild are such that the parent supports only the strongest cubs in his offspring (brood, litter). The same was done with children in primitive tribes, especially in difficult times.

Loss of attention of parents, their refusal to support, care meant death for the rejected. Therefore, the experience of “not being chosen” was fixed among our ancestors as super-significant – and it is pain that will not make it possible to miss it.

It often remains so even now, because the resources to support the life of all children in the family, to nurse the weak, appeared in our evolutionary standards quite recently.

Energy protection

What happens to a person who painfully feels rejected, robbed of the attention, love of a being important to him? It understands aggression, that is, energy appears in order to somehow prevent loss, to protect what belongs to him.

If initially the mechanism of jealousy arose as a reaction to rejection in parent-child relationships, then later it spread to all our relationships: the relationship of brothers and sisters, friends, partners.

We may be jealous of our girlfriend who gets close to someone else. You can be jealous of a boss who prefers a colleague. Mother and father may be jealous of a child who does not love him, but another parent or grandmother, for example.

Jealousy becomes a radar that turns on with varying degrees of intensity when there is a threat of losing someone significant. And the energy of aggression can be used in very different ways, depending on the culture of the country or people, personal development or personal values ​​and behavioral skills.

Jealousy will push someone to grab a knife, someone to start a quarrel, and someone to make an effort to clarify the situation and improve or end the relationship.

Unstable connection

For each of us, jealousy manifests itself in different ways: for some, this feeling is almost unfamiliar, while others are pathologically suspicious and quick-tempered. What is it connected with?

Anyone who in childhood was “filled” with the love of his parents, received a stable connection from them and never doubted their good attitude, choosing someone as his partner, trusts this person. His “anxiety radar” turns on only for a good reason, for example, when a partner openly provokes him.

Agree: to feel jealous when you see that the husband (wife) is kissing someone else, this is normal. Just a calm, indifferent reaction to what is happening would be inadequate. After all, something happened that calls into question your chosenness.

And at this moment, jealousy informs us that it is time to clarify the relationship, revise the rules, ask the partner about what is happening. A healthy aggression rises in us, which gives strength to somehow solve a painful problem. This is exactly the case when jealousy is useful.

But sometimes parents build relationships with children in such a way that they give preference to one of them. Then the other child does not feel his own importance, does not feel that he has a place in the family that no one will take away. This feeling of “they didn’t choose me” can be reinforced by phrases like “we’ll give you to your uncle” or “we’ll send you to an orphanage.”

This, of course, is forbidden. Such words fall on “evolutionary-sensitive” soil, kindling the flame of morbid jealousy. The situation is similar for children who are single but unloved, or for those who are too “motivated to develop” by endless comparisons with others.

The child grows up, but continues to constantly “scan”, control the space around him. As soon as someone significant is (as he feels) out of his control, he is instantly overwhelmed with anxiety and rage.

It would be an oversimplification to speak in this case of insecurity or low self-esteem. This may be true, but people who are quite self-confident can also be jealous. Growing up in the mode of competition, comparison, they receive a powerful motivation to achieve their goals and, as a rule, are successful in their business.

But they don’t believe in relationships. They do not believe that anyone else can consistently love and accept them – regardless of their weaknesses, mistakes and failures. They perceive partnership as something pragmatic, as a form of using each other for their own personal goals.

With the most extreme, pathological manifestation of jealousy, this “radar” cannot calm down for a second, since a person does not see any stability for himself in a relationship with a partner. And he doesn’t even need the intervention of a third person, it’s enough to imagine in his head a picture of the alleged betrayal (rejection), and that’s enough.

Question your ideas

I once had such a couple at the reception: a very interesting, successful man and his beautiful wife, who had just not worn a hijab: a dress to the toes, all wrapped in shapeless clothes, did not raise her eyes. The husband was indignant: “My wife behaves like a prostitute. I can’t go anywhere with her.”

During the conversation, it turns out that the wife at social events only occasionally raises her eyes and smiles in response to those who greet her. But lately it hasn’t gone anywhere: it’s more expensive for yourself. Both love each other. She is exhausted, he is exhausted. As a result of the work, the recognition of her husband became a breakthrough: “Yes, in fact, I am wildly jealous of you.”

This is the most important thing – to appropriate this feeling for yourself. Because, only by admitting my jealousy and ceasing to consider the partner the only culprit of my feelings, I can then turn on critical thinking and then think: is the partner doing something wrong, or am I winding myself up?

Then there is a chance that a person will go and work with this problem. The work is not easy, but it can be successful. A good help here is checking with people you trust – with close friends, acquaintances. With those who love you, but can tell the truth.

If several friends say roughly the same thing – “look, your husband definitely loves you, he doesn’t flirt with anyone” – this is a good reason to question your fears.

Your partner is jealous

At the stage of falling in love, jealousy can be perceived as overprotective. We can confuse control and courtship, they have a lot in common: let me meet you or see you off, let me take you. But then this edge becomes more and more tangible.

The jealous partner begins to feel: he is being driven into some kind of narrow rut and the world around is narrowing: don’t wear this dress, don’t meet these people, why are you late for 15 minutes? A person is afraid to show some interest once again, loses energy, enjoys life less and less. What can be done in this case?

If a jealous person is very worried and inflates scandals, but does not become aggressive, is not physically dangerous, then you can try to talk, offer to discuss the situation with trusted persons, invite you to couples therapy, ask to work individually with a psychologist. If the jealousy of a partner is associated with physical aggression, then the relationship must be completed – they are not safe.