«It helped the most that I didn’t kill myself. The next best thing was the diagnosis »[LIST]

My first nervous breakdown was in college, but my mental illness remained undiagnosed until 2017. The diagnosis was the best thing: bipolar disorder, neurosis, depression, ADHD and PTSD. It was such a relief! Finally, I know it’s not my fault! – wrote to the editorial office Mr. Rafał, who for many years was not aware of what was the cause of his ups and downs.

1. When you look at Mr. Rafał’s story from the side, signals that he needs help appear from his early years
2. Unfortunately, due to a large part of life, there was no question of any diagnosis. So the man convinced himself that he was the problem himself
3. All these years I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was all my fault. I felt guilty for being lazy and I was ashamed of being stupid – writes Mr. Rafał
4. More information can be found on the Onet homepage

“I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was all my fault”

My name is Rafał Kłopotowski. I was born in Warsaw and live in Warsaw. For the last 40 years, I have lived in California, in Palo Alto. My heroes are, in random order: Martin Luther King jr., Janis Joplin, Pele, Marie Curie-Skłodowska, Zdzisław Henneberg, George Harrison, Douglas Bader, Rosa Parks, Irena Sendler, Pep Guardiola, Jim Lovell, Harvey Milk and others .

I’ve spent most of my adult life working in the theater directing plays, musicals, operas and all sorts of weird experimental pieces that nobody understands but everybody loves. Especially if you play them on old, dilapidated ships permanently moored in the port.

My first nervous breakdown was in college, but my mental illness remained undiagnosed until 2017.

All these years I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was all my fault. I felt guilty for being lazy and felt ashamed for being stupid. Though there were times when I was a great student! Fours and Fridays! (there were no sixes in my day). I was active in extracurricular programs, fencing at the Youth Palace, I had a lot of friends … And then something changed and I couldn’t concentrate on a simple math problem or write an essay. I changed high school twice. I repeated my final grade …

Those earlier years were a little easier. After graduating from college and moving to California, my mood changes began to deepen and affect my life more and more. The ups and downs have become more extreme and increasingly difficult to control. I had periods of intense activity, working on several projects at the same time and having a very active social life. I directed, played, taught and even founded and managed theaters! I was able to stay awake for three or four nights in a row. People appreciated me, admired me and laughed at my jokes … In one of those periods I met my wife, went to directing studies in Los Angeles, my first son was born …

And then, it would seem suddenly, I cannot grasp contemporary, realistic art for two actors in one scenery. I can’t even get to the test! Again, I think it’s because of my stupidity and laziness. So I stop taking other projects and hanging out with my friends. I slowly ignore the phone. After all, no one calls me anymore, no one offers me projects, my friends slowly stop contacting me. It’s getting worse. I can’t even get out of bed for a few days, so I don’t eat. I can’t even mobilize myself to take a bath … I don’t pay my bills, I have more and more debts …

Later, I started having problems with chronic pain. I have had two neck surgeries. To deal with it, I started taking opiates. Prescribed legally for pain. Although I didn’t know I had bipolar disorder yet, I found opiates stabilizing my mood. At least, it looked like they were helping. I lived without these ups and downs, I could work normally. I even had a second son! But… Pain medications and untreated bipolar disorder have stripped me of all my core values, everything that gave my life purpose and meaning has disappeared.

“I saw no reason to be here, i.e. in the world”

The theater was over because nobody wanted to work with me and the producers didn’t want to risk losing money. After 22 years of marriage, a divorce came. I almost lost all custody of my children due to opioid use. I also lost my job. Finally, my older son was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He was then 18 years old.

It was the drop that poured the jug. The weight of it all hit me so hard that I couldn’t and didn’t want to get up anymore. I felt worthless and useless. I did not believe that all this could change yet. I lost all hope. I saw no reason to be here, i.e. in the world, to be. I didn’t care about anyone, I was all redundant and practically non-existent. I even thought my boys would be happier without me … I figured it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here.

Do you know what it feels like to be in your grave when you are alive?

I had a plan and the resources to end it all.

«It helped the most that I didn’t kill myself. The next best thing was the diagnosis »

I was never afraid of doctors or hospitals. Both my parents were doctors. When I was little, they often worked late. If they couldn’t find care for me, they would take me to work with them. I always feel good and safe in the hospital. It’s like being home with your mom and dad. So I went to the hospital.

The hospital helped. But the diagnosis helped even more. Although no, it helped the most that I didn’t kill myself. The next best thing was the diagnosis: bipolar disorder, neurosis, depression, ADHD and PTSD.

It was such a relief! Finally, I know it’s not my fault! That all the things I was going through were just symptoms of all these medical conditions! Yes, of course, I will have to take care of them, take medication, learn to live anew, etc., but at least now I can see the border between Rafał and BD; I can tell where Rafał ends and depression or ADHD begins. Now I can separate Rafał from the disease and be myself, be who I am! I can sit late at night, not go to the gym, live on cheap food, color mandalas for hours. Study art and history. I can listen to Jimmy Hendrix, but not too loud so that the neighbors don’t call the police! It’s okay to spend money on a concert for my son and me. It’s not important to have a better car as long as this one works! Used clothes are fine!

The diagnosis allowed me to accept myself as I am all the time. And this, in turn, allowed me to build a new life.

About six months after I was released from the hospital, my medications were more or less well positioned, I was stable, and I was attending my intensive outpatient program. We were sitting in a cafe with my sons and I said: “Look, I don’t take drugs anymore, I’m finally healthy, so maybe I have the opportunity to do something worthwhile in my life. You know me best. What do you think he should do? ».

Both, almost without thinking, said, “Something about psychology and helping people.”

The fact that my sons saw me as “this guy” was truly special.

Co dalej?

First of all, I moved back to Poland and I am making a new life here. It takes time and effort.

Of course, I take my medication regularly, visit my therapist and my self-help group meetings. This is the basis.

As I am an old hippie, I also meditate, make candles, do Danish hygge art, write poems and stories, and listen to music endlessly. I keep a diary and every now and then I discover a new artist whose paintings and sculptures keep my attention for months, sometimes years. I love learning history (the French have fallen in love with me recently).

However, the best and most important part of self-therapy for me is helping others. For five years, I ran a self-help group program at the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I also did lessons there and took part in a mentoring program where I worked individually with people who had just left the hospital.

Since September, I have been running five self-help groups for people with addictions and dual diagnosis. Meetings are based on the San Francisco clock, so some end at XNUMXam …

I’m happy. I have felt really happy for the longest time! Especially now, when I have returned to Poland for good.

I try to be the best goofy, funny, loving dad in the world, whose goal in life is to embarrass children by, for example, singing aloud in public …

I’ve been trying to write a detective story for years.

I am alone, but I don’t feel lonely or lonely. I’m good with it. And I’m enjoying my loneliness. Although I would like to meet someone who would share it with me.

But most of all, I want to be the guy who has to answer the phone when he’s out for dinner with his friends. Who at one point stands up and says, “I’m sorry, but I have to take care of this. Have fun”. And he goes out to help someone who can’t cope with a crisis.