The basis of the methods that we offer you is that parents, as a rule, are smarter and more inventive than their children. You must believe this in order to use these methods effectively and with conviction. You must feel like an authority figure. It is important to clearly and clearly understand your role as a parent, otherwise you will always doubt, hesitate, that is, show uncertainty. If you doubt the importance of being a self-confident person, pick up any military history book to learn more about the need for strong leadership and high morals. So, when one of the warring parties understands that the enemy is better equipped, more cunning and has a stronger will, there is no doubt that he will win.
“But being a parent does not mean fighting!” one of you will object, and he will be right. However, your relationship with your child can turn into military action if you allow him to consider himself the main one.
We seriously doubt that there are parents who want their baby to consider himself the head of the house. The problem with many families is a very cunning philosophy that sounds pretty reasonable on paper and can be found in books and articles. This philosophy is this: children are by nature receptive intelligent creatures who learn best when they are given maximum freedom. Thus, parents should not be authoritarian and emphasize compliance with the rules and obedience to them, but rather, allow the child to comprehend everything, express himself and learn for himself what is good and what is bad for him.
According to the advice of these experts, parents should intervene as little as possible in conflicts that arise between children in the same family or with other children, for example, in the sandbox. They should stop explaining why children have to do what their parents tell them to do. Children are taught that they deserve the same respect as adults and that, just like adults, they should be able to make their own decisions and then reap the rewards of their own mistakes.
We first encountered the consequences of this uplifting philosophy for children when we arrived at the kindergarten to pick up our daughter and her friend. The girl, who was not yet five years old, saw the child seat in the back of our van and immediately declared: “I don’t need to sit in the child seat.” “No, you have to,” Bill insisted, naively believing that she would obey at the firm voice of a grown man. Obviously, no one told this girl that she should do as the adult tells her, because he is in charge. Bill tried to convince her, trying to rationally explain how dangerous it was to ride in an adult seat, but it was a waste of time. The girl showed a complete lack of respect for an adult and behaved as if she were the most important person here. Besides, she got angry. It was clear that her parents had taught her that she could decide where to sit in their car.
After several minutes of fruitless negotiations, Bill realized that everything was useless, and told her: «Either you ride in a child seat, or you don’t ride at all.» In his hands was the key that allowed her to cooperate … i.e. car key. At that very moment, the crisis was resolved. (Thus our clash with this girl’s «independent spirit» was settled. Who knows what underlies daily communication in her home?)
We have witnessed similar scenes in other places. Once on the playground, we watched a heated argument between two three-year-old friends. One of them was on the verge of tears, the other was clearly in the mood for a fight. The mother of one wanted to intervene to promote reconciliation, but the other held her back, saying: “Let them figure it out themselves.” Understand themselves? Three year olds? But they still do not have enough common sense and emotional maturity to «figure it out for themselves.»
And here is another example: we know a married couple whose children were uncontrollable. The parents became close friends with another couple who had children of the same age, but the son of the former stated that he no longer liked to play with the boy from that family. Now these families do not communicate with each other.
It seems to us that this theory is far from perfect.
There are places where children spend whole days: at school, with friends, in front of the TV screen, with their parents. From this communication they draw knowledge, copy, form their thoughts and actions. If parents will deliberately downplay their influence, refusing to be a model in the eyes of the child, then what will we be left with? Who will undertake the task of shaping the morality and morality of children?
Judith Martin, also known as «Miss Good Manners,» summed up the concerns of parents wanting to abdicate responsibility: «They all have this weird notion that kids are the best at judging what’s good for them… and these kids can actually be the best judges in families that accept this concept.
For those of us who still want to be a judge, to set the rules and standards, the question remains: how to do it wiser and fairer in the name of the common good? Not all of us are qualified, no one is tested or selected before having children. But it is surprising that most parents, having no experience, quite adequately cope with this work.
«Because I said so!» — the main element of our education
You heard these words from your mother, she from your grandmother, and then you thought: “Is this really a good argument for a child?” There are different points of view. Some parents are categorically against the use of this phrase, believing that it calls for blind obedience. They want their children to do things on their own, even for things that these parents think are important. Other parents attribute obedience to the number of virtues and do not consider it necessary to somehow justify their requirements for children, because the child must do what he is told.
What to prefer? We have taken a firm and decisive position … exactly in the middle. We think it’s great to say «Because I said so» over and over again, but we don’t recommend doing it very often.
We believe that it is not so often that there are situations when you will have to say them. Just don’t make it a habit. Otherwise, you will always have to patiently and condescendingly explain and answer each “Why, Mommy?” or “Why, daddy?”. In this case, you will not have time to go somewhere or do something useful.
Young children quickly learn that asking questions is a great way to delay or avoid doing things they don’t feel like doing. The phrase «Because I said so» ends the conversation, and there may be times ahead when there will be no time for talking. So, only when that opportunity comes, use these words.
Then, when you have time, you can (if you want) discuss with the children why you are so harshly demanding submission from them under certain circumstances. Try to explain: “If I ever say ‘Because I said so’ to you (as I did in the car today), then I don’t have the time and patience to explain, or only an adult can understand this explanation. It does not matter why I say this, and henceforth, when you hear such words from me, you must understand, it is useless to bother with questions, I will not yield, and you will have to do what I say.
Here is a case where Bill had to use «because I said so» to avoid discussing some difficult issues.
He turned on the TV in search of a program about pandas and suddenly got on a news report that told about a terrible massacre that took place in one of the schools. He quickly changed the channel, but our four-year-old daughter managed to notice on the screen the corpses of children wrapped in sheets who were being carried out of the school.
— What is it? I want to watch this show,” Karen asked.
— Not. Bill replied, hoping to quickly find the panda show.
— Why? she insisted. — What is happening there? Why are these people crying?
— And here are the pandas! Bill exclaimed. — Let’s watch!
“No, tell me what the program was about in which they cried,” she repeated.
«I don’t want to,» Bill told her. — It’s very difficult to explain.
— But I want! Switch to that channel!
Bill refused, but Karen kept whimpering and begging, “Why can’t I watch this show? I will understand. Just explain to me.»
After another round of «no» and «why not,» Bill finally delivered the universal debatable answer with weight: «Because I SAID SO,» and it all stopped immediately. Of course, it is a pity that we can no longer answer such questions of our already nine-year-old girl in this way. One day, she was watching a TV show when she was interrupted by a news release that reported on the shooting of children near the National Zoo. (We couldn’t change the channel even though we knew we would have to answer all of her questions or she would have heard her classmates talking the next day at school.)
Such an incident happened recently. Several parents of children that my son regularly meets at the playground in the neighborhood came up to me and said that they did not want our children to play in the sandbox together. They explained this by saying that my son takes away everyone’s toys. But he’s just over a year old!
In fact, they probably didn’t mean that they didn’t want his presence… rather, they were counting on your actions. No one expects a toddler under two years old to be able to share. However, they expected absolutely certain things from you: intervene yourself, we do not want to interfere. You must take action before your son starts pushing, picking up toys, and kicking in the sand. Other children are already intimidated, and the idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbbeing able to do whatever he wants has established itself in the mind of your baby.
There is no need to severely punish him for aggressive behavior, because punishment after the fact for such a small child is completely useless. At the same time, a warning may have an effect.
This means that you have to be close to him to see what is happening there and intervene at the moment when the baby intends to take away someone’s toy or push someone. You should not sit on a bench far from the sandbox, but be at arm’s length to take the necessary measures at the moment of manifestation of aggressive intentions.
This applies to both parents and nannies. “Sitting with a baby” in relation to a one-year-old baby is the wrong term, because you literally have to sit very little; It would be more correct to say «to run after the child.» A kid on the playground is almost always some kind of incident. This does not mean that children should not be allowed to play. But you (or your nanny) are obliged to stay a step away from him all the time so that he does not run up in front or behind the children on the swing, wanting to “fly” too, and not give him the opportunity to take everything that catches his eye.
Now many parents believe that children do not need to be taught to play together with other children. It will all work out by itself during the game. Their position is simple — do not interfere. This is very far from the truth. Without early and frequent parental intervention, some children turn into bullies and others into constant victims. The law of the jungle begins to take effect.
In addition to being vigilant and ready to intervene at any moment, you need to: provide your own son with good toys. Then he will be less likely to want to take what does not belong to him. In addition, when he has good toys and some other child tries to take them away (and this will inevitably happen), he will know how children feel about this.
If you fulfill all these conditions, we assure you: the very parents who complained about your child will understand that you have understood everything. However, now you should not point out to these parents that the boot that kicks someone is on their child’s foot.
My little daughter is always the victim of quarrels on the playground. Older and stronger children — I’m talking about three or four-year-olds — take away her toys. She starts crying and runs towards me. I don’t know what to do: teach her to stand up for herself? Talk to these kids and ask them not to hit on my daughter? Approach the parents of these children, who are sitting nearby, completely oblivious to what their children are doing? Or maybe I should not do anything and wait until my baby learns to cope with the problem on her own?
We say a categorical «no» to the latter idea and believe that parents should take care of the child, since such a fate has fallen to them. Younger ages are the perfect time for parents to teach their children how to behave. As long as your children are very small, for example, your small stature does not matter to them — in the eyes of a child, you may seem like a three-meter giant. We don’t have God knows what voice, but our children consider us the best singers in the world. (It’s great to have an audience that appreciates you so much!)
If you have to stand up for your child, your first task will be to protect him from physical harm. Intervene quickly and decisively if a child is pushed, sanded or otherwise endangers your child’s safety. Never pull it off.
Usually it is enough to approach, stand between them and say firmly and loudly: “DO NOT PUSH!”
Of course, there is no absolute guarantee that this child will immediately fulfill this requirement. He may not be able to control himself, and you will probably have to pick up your girl and take her to a safer place. We do not recommend grabbing the offender, especially if he is aggressive.
Of course, we understand that you will be tempted to offer some advice to the abuser’s parents or babysitter, but such advice is very rarely accepted. We have heard this from many parents trying to give them. Here are some examples of the futility of this activity:
- Mother A reprimands mother B because her child is aggressive. Mother B replies: “You see, the fact is that our baby was diagnosed with a mild form of autism. We’re trying our best to teach him to control himself, but it’s going to be very, very difficult…” Mother A mumbles an apology and quietly walks away, thinking to herself, “Thank God my child doesn’t have this problem!”
- Or, for example, mother B replies: “Are you saying that my child is pushing yours? I saw how it all happened. This is your first start! She kept teasing him until she got him and he pushed her lightly. So first, teach yours to behave properly!” You are trying to argue something in defense of your child. But you know, parents sometimes fight even worse than children.
- Or mother B runs up to her child and exclaims: “Don’t you dare, don’t you dare push the girl again!” She spanks her child, saying: “You will listen to me! I’ll teach you how to lead!»
- Or, finally, instead of mother B, there is a nanny who does not speak a word of English, staring blankly at you. When the parents of this child find out that you tried to reprimand their nanny, they give you a scolding and demand that you stay out of your own business.
Since you haven’t been in any of these situations and don’t know how weird some parents’ reactions might be, we think it’s best to focus on your own child’s behavior. Explain to your daughter that not all children know how to share toys and behave properly, but if one of them pushes or bites her, you will be there to protect (remember to remind the nanny of her responsibility as well). Sometimes the safest thing to do is to stay away from geese and ill-mannered children. This means that you need to take your child out of the sandbox. Just try to do it in such a way that your baby does not think that you are punishing her. Take her to some other even more pleasant and cheerful place.
When parents of children playing in the playground decide that one child is bothering everyone else, they band together to keep their children safe. In this case, their interaction with the mother of the little abuser should be very sensitive and based on the fact that she may not suspect the extent of the problem, or she knows that the problem exists and is trying to fight it, but so far without result. Let her know that you are not at all going to attack her with a whole group; you have come to help, to improve her baby’s behavior, and also to suggest methods of education and, perhaps, punishment, which most of the parents find effective.
Tip: try to convince the mother of the problem child that the best thing in this conflict situation is to take the baby out of the game, maybe put it next to you for five minutes, and then take it home.
Toddler discipline system
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