Is truth necessary in a relationship?

“When I met Alexander, there were two civil marriages behind me,” recalls Elena, 33. — He said that in his family they always married once and for life and his parents would not accept a divorced woman into the family. I said that before him I had only fleeting romances. Three months later, he proposed to me.”

“Sometimes it’s better to lie or hide the truth than to reveal all the circumstances of life to a partner,” says psychologist Alena Al-As. At the beginning of a relationship, you should not talk about some moments of your personal life: excessive truthfulness can repel or offend.

“Spouses may have different points of view on abortion or premarital sexual relations,” says Alena Al-As. — So, the client’s husband dramatically changed his attitude towards her after she spoke about life before marriage: a long relationship with a young man and an abortion. He is a man of faith, conservative views, he reacted extremely negatively to such a truth, and the family was on the verge of divorce.”

What is behind the truth?

Many couples feel they should tell each other the truth. Psychologist Ilya Shabshin calls this a typical example of maximalism, which is more harmful than useful.

“For example, a wife confessed to her husband of treason. But did she think about how he would now live? And if they have children, has she considered the option of divorce with all the ensuing consequences? Most probably not. Behind many confessions that bring pain to a partner are not the best motives: the desire to settle scores, the thought “let him also feel how bad I feel”, selfishness: “I do as I want, and you cope as best you can.”

“A couple of years ago, my wife joined one of the network companies and began to earn good money,” says Igor, 48 years old. — For the last 12 years, she was engaged only in the house and raising her son, and then frequent business trips began, which drove me crazy. She left with a team in which there were many young people.

I broke down and struck first. During one of her trips, I cheated on her and told her everything. I expected that the reaction to frankness would be a reciprocal confession. But the wife replied that she did not think to change, but wanted to share financial responsibilities with me.

Not revealing all the cards to a partner is also an element of the game that will benefit the relationship. Everyone should have their own interests and that part of life in which he does not let anyone, even the closest. A woman does not have to tell her husband what she talks about with her friends.

If relationships are built on the principles of trust, respect and respect for personal boundaries, secrets will only strengthen the union. You need to be aware of what motives force you to deceive your partner or not to finish speaking. An honest answer to the question: “What will this lie give me and how will it affect my relationship?” It will help you understand your feelings and emotions, learn something new about yourself and change something.

“Every summer I fly to visit a friend in Europe,” says Valeria, 28. — We party up in clubs until the morning, spend money on shopping during the day, and in the evenings wash the bones for our husbands with a glass of champagne. Why tell your husband about this? He feels calmer, thinking that I lie on the beach with a book all day. It helps me feel mysterious and desirable. I return happy and charge him with a good mood.”

Lying in a relationship can only be useful in a «one-time use»: if it starts to become a habit, the marriage is in danger. It makes no sense to build an alliance, the foundation of which will be a lie. And to answer a woman’s question whether she has recovered is always better in the negative, even if the truth is obvious.