A dacha, fresh air, two brothers, each with his soul mate, a weekend with his family … However, the women accepted the idea without enthusiasm: both of them did not like each other in their hearts.
And by dinner, mutual hostility thickened so much that it flared up like gunpowder: when Valeria put vegetables on her plate, Anna could not resist the remark: “Leave a little to others!” Valeria silently tipped the contents of the plate into the saucepan and left the table. The next morning, with an icy expression on her face, she left for the city. The frustrated brothers had to give up the idea of spending the weekend together…
How many friends broke up, how many families quarreled because of «offensive» looks, «inappropriate» remarks, «offensive» gestures? But these dramas, launched by some banal remark about stewed potatoes, sometimes live for decades, passing from generation to generation. If we do not communicate with the sister-in-law, whose behavior was considered “indecent”, then, therefore, we do not see her children either. And when they grow up, they will surely consider each other «ignorant».
How to explain the fact that some harmless phrase can cause such a burning offense? Our brain perceives information through associations. «Neurons fired simultaneously communicate with each other» — such a discovery was made in 1946 by the founder of neuropsychology Donald Hebb (Donald Hebb) *.
If the bell rang at the moment when they gave me food, then when it rings again, I will begin to salivate, even if the table is empty. In the same way, if my parents once made derogatory remarks about me in order to instill good manners in me, then later, when they tell me that I put too many vegetables in myself, I will feel humiliation in this. It stuck in my neurons that way. This connection was formed by my experience and works like a filter through which from now on I perceive everything that happens to me.
A laboratory experiment was conducted at the University of Wisconsin (USA), which proved how much this filter of the past changes our perception of the present. Two groups of children — abused and from normal families — were shown a series of photographs of a man whose expression gradually changed from anger to sadness. Children who knew what cruelty was saw anger in almost all the pictures, while their peers from the other group recognized it only where it was completely obvious**.
This experience of being a victim clearly altered the ability of these children’s brains to perceive objectively. Their filter automatically turns any emotion on an adult’s face into a signal of imminent danger. Having grown up, they often continue to perceive people in the same way. And how it poisons their relationship with others!
The experiences of our childhood become the filter through which we see the present.
If Anna lived in a family where she received so little attention that there was always less food on her plate than she wanted, she would be inclined to interpret the lack of garnish as a sign of neglect. And if Valeria is regularly scolded for her behavior in the company of other people, she will perceive a harmless comment as a clear challenge. This is how our brain works: from our previous experience, it tries to derive its “laws”, on the basis of which it will predict what will happen to us in the next moment. And our emotions are programs that the brain launches to protect us from the danger it has detected (as it believes): if I anticipate aggressive criticism, it’s better to immediately run away or strike myself … This is how family relationships are torn.
Fortunately, these neural programs can change new experiences, which will form new connections in our brain. By learning to recognize already useless reflexes from the past, we will be able to calmly see the characteristics of another person, without taking his words as an attack and without judging them as an intolerable flaw in character. If you make an effort to remove this automatic filter, everything can be put in its place, including an ordinary stew of potatoes and onions, which in essence has never been anything else. And then gentleness and generosity will reappear in our relations, which I wish to all sisters-in-law and sister-in-law, and to each of us.