What do we mean when we talk about love relationships today? What has love become in the era of the Internet, sexual freedom, changing gender roles, the release of the book “Fifty Shades of Grey”, in the end … Opinion of Eva Illuz, professor of sociology at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem.
“Fifty Shades of Grey” is not a pornographic novel, but a description of the real model of love relationships in a modern couple. Sociologist Eva Illuz came to this unexpected conclusion after carefully researching the book by E. L. James and hundreds of surveys around the world. Why romantic love has disappeared from our lives and why love relationships between a man and a woman today are more like chaos – the sociologist devoted her books to these questions.
The first discovery that Illuz made was that love in modern society brings with it more doubts and insecurities than joys. “Love relationships have lost weight, become a place of ambivalence (duality), risk and uncertainty,” says Illuz. – It is not customary to discuss plans for the future in many couples. Social norms and rituals that used to make partners feel more confident (especially at the beginning of an acquaintance, when everything is still so unsteady) do not work today. Men and women are overcome by a lot of doubts: “What is this relationship for me?”; “Will they have a sequel?”; “Am I in love?”; “Does the sexual side suit me?”
Ending a relationship has become easier, but we still react sharply to any breakup.
Difficulties also arise from the fact that we are constantly confronted with two conflicting social attitudes – on the one hand, we must nurture our autonomy, on the other, allow ourselves to be dependent on each other. This contradiction is the reason for frequent conflicts in a couple: we cannot choose what is more important, how to act.
Another important circumstance: it became much easier to end the novel, but the relationship itself did not become less significant for us. We still react sharply to any gap.
Significant changes have also been made by the strengthening of the status of women in society. Previously, marital relations developed according to certain rules that made the atmosphere of marriage more transparent. Feminism demanded from women that they defend their rights and cease to be completely dependent on men. Relations instantly became more utilitarian: the partners began to share responsibilities among themselves, count the amount of benefits and losses received.
Consumer culture has also influenced personal life. Today we have a huge selection. We are free, no one and nothing can force us not only to marry (get married), but also to maintain long-term relationships. In part, this change is positive: it put an end to patriarchy and made the sexual sphere more intense and exciting. Homosexual couples have the right to exist, women – to sexual pleasure. But there is another side: in a love relationship, everything or almost everything has become possible. They turned out to be a no-commitment environment. In other areas of life, such as work or politics, elementary ethical rules are required, in love – no more.
The market for brides and grooms is on the hunt for great deals. Women in this situation are more difficult than men. First of all, because men have more choice and experience – their presence on the market lasts much longer. However, it is not easy to choose both. We sit in front of the TV and click the remote control, and in love relationships we “jump” from one partner to another. We no longer know what we want. We strive for the ideal, so we lose the desire to enter into long-term relationships – all the same, the partner will turn out to be imperfect, earthly.
What are we looking for – maybe after all love? Women rather want it: they need recognition, which they have been deprived of for many years, excluding them from active public life. The fair sex still has fewer opportunities than men to build a career or succeed in business. Therefore, many continue to invest in love relationships and motherhood. This is especially true for women who have not achieved big money and positions: they want to realize themselves in marriage and feel like failures if they do not succeed.
Negative experiences in love relationships lead to the fact that they cease to respect themselves. Unfortunately, it is difficult to succeed in a classic marriage today: a woman is looking for a stable relationship, but she meets men who do not want to be included in them and make commitments.
The paradox of modern love is that there is little participation, care and responsibility in it, but its importance for us is colossal. In order not to get lost in this new world, Illuz believes, we need to get out of the comfort zone, resist the conventions of society, realize that everything that happens to us is the result of our inner mood. If we succeed in this, we will suffer less from the disappointments of love.