Contents
- “Uncertainty about his own worth and anger at those who expect something from him prevent him from being productive”
- “It is better to find out in advance what morals exist in the team where we are going to come”
- “The feelings that we experienced in childhood towards our parents, we transfer to our leader”
- “One of the most difficult tasks for Russian women is to combine a career and raising children”
- “It would be better for us to work like sex – a pleasure!”
What worries us most about our own work? At first glance, the answer may seem simple: the level of our salary, daily workload, prestige, opportunities for professional and career growth … In fact, the relationship that binds us to work, as well as the reasons for our dissatisfaction with it, are not always so obvious. We asked four psychotherapists to share their observations and advice with us.
“Uncertainty about his own worth and anger at those who expect something from him prevent him from being productive”
Tatyana Drabkina, analytical therapist
You can often hear: I work a lot, but I earn little. It happens that in such a situation there is no conflict: a person receives his “payment” in a different way – in the form of increased self-esteem, respect for others, greater freedom of action. Internal conflict arises if we believe that our reward is not enough, but at the same time we do not change anything, or our attempts to change something fail. Why? Often the reasons are low self-esteem, fear of competition.
Sometimes the problem of growing up is behind this: an adult continues to live with his parents, cannot afford to rent or buy a separate apartment, or have a child. In the depths of his soul, he believes that he “should” or “not given.” Unconsciously, and sometimes quite consciously, he wants to be compensated. Having become more successful (not necessarily financially), he would no longer be able to present accounts to his “debtors”. This happens if we received the love and acceptance of our parents in childhood only when we fulfilled their expectations and did not feel that we were valuable and needed in and of ourselves. In adult life, such a person is looking for compensation for what he gave in childhood, all the while being afraid to miscalculate and again give more than he received. Uncertainty about his own worth and anger at those who expect something from him prevent him from being productive.
If we assess our income as low, it is important to understand whether this situation suits us or we would like it to change. If it turns out that we want change, it is worth figuring out (perhaps with the help of a specialist) what hinders and what could help to implement them. And then develop a plan and move to action.
“It is better to find out in advance what morals exist in the team where we are going to come”
Nifont Dolgopolov, gestalt therapist
For some of us, the problem arises even before entering a new job. When consulting top managers, I see that when applying for a job, many take a passive position: they just wait to be hired. They do not find out what kind of company it is, whether it suits them in terms of corporate culture, in terms of the goals that it sets for itself. A person seems to be sure that the environment he enters will automatically meet his expectations.
As a result, the following situation develops: a person comes to the company, he does not like something, and he begins to blame it and the surrounding business environment. But after all, he himself came here to work and either knew where he was going, or did not know – precisely because he did not begin to find out. It is very difficult for him, almost impossible, to remake the business environment from the inside. Especially since he is a new employee.
Often the problem is not that a particular boss behaves rudely, but that everyone in this company behaves this way – it’s accepted here, this is how the corporate culture works. Therefore, it is better to find out in advance what morals exist in the team where we are going to come, and correlate this with our expectations.
In this sense, one of the most important themes of the last twenty years is to learn to take into account not only the relationship between people, but also the wider context, the social field in which we find ourselves.
“The feelings that we experienced in childhood towards our parents, we transfer to our leader”
Vitaly Zimin, psychoanalyst
Recently, I hear from many clients that the volume of their work has increased, the requirements for them have become more stringent, and management is less and less considering their interests. Such changes not only generate dissatisfaction and irritation – they also often cause feelings of helplessness, confusion, a feeling that a person is not able to influence his professional life. Sometimes, along with this, anger arises, which leads to open conflicts with superiors.
But let’s look at the situation differently. The boss is endowed with power and authority. Therefore, as a rule, we load the figure of the boss with various parental projections – we transfer the feelings that we experienced in childhood towards our parents to our leader. And we tend to build relations with him according to the model that developed in the early years. For example, in childhood, parents rigidly demanded obedience and submission from the child. In adulthood, it becomes difficult for such a person to accept restrictions and prohibitions and obey them: he re-experiences the humiliation and helplessness that he experienced in childhood. If he finds himself in a situation where working conditions are tightened, it is likely that the boss who introduces these restrictions will be associated with an authoritarian parental figure and cause strong protest.
Therefore, it is very important to remind yourself that the bosses are not the parents. We do not choose our parents, while we chose our work ourselves, because it is interesting to us, gives pleasure … For someone who is passionate about his work, who passionately invests his energy in it and receives satisfaction from it, many costs pay off.
“One of the most difficult tasks for Russian women is to combine a career and raising children”
“A woman should be with her husband”, “she is obliged to manage the household and raise children” – patriarchal stereotypes, conscious or not, still operate in society. Even if we ourselves do not agree with such statements, we feel that others think so. The pressure of stereotypes is especially strong when parents act as their guides. For example, a successful woman comes home from London, where she lives and works, and hears from her mother: “My poor you, how can you be without a husband …”
Another manifestation of the same problem is the fear of success. One of my clients couldn’t decide whether to accept a promotion: she was worried about how her husband would react to it. Will he not be offended that she earns more and occupies a more responsible position than he? Successful women often feel judged by other women as well. One of my clients spends a lot of time on business trips. Once, at a parent meeting, she was offered to accompany the children to the theater. She refused and in response she heard: “But we sacrificed our careers for the sake of our children!”
One of the most difficult tasks for Russian women is to combine a career and raising children. The traditional Soviet institute of grandmothers, which solved the problem of two working parents, has practically collapsed. Employers are uncomfortable with an employee who needs to pick up a child from school. Russia is still far from the introduction of a mandatory “daddy’s day”, adopted, for example, in the Netherlands. There, fathers are required to pick up their children from school once or twice a week so that their wives can work full time. However, in Europe, such traditions exist not so long ago and develop very slowly. We have to move along the same path.
“It would be better for us to work like sex – a pleasure!”
Julia Latynina – writer
The best way to resolve problems in our relationship with our own work is to do only work that fills us completely, from which we do not want to disconnect. Due to my creative profession (journalist and writer), my brains work 24 hours a day. A writer always has a few books in his stash that he needs to write. And their number never decreases. Because by the time one is completed, the ideas of the other three have emerged. Accordingly, the writing work is like an atmospheric column, it presses all the time. Only this in my case is not work, but pleasure. In this sense, I am probably a very happy person, because I have been doing what I want almost all my life. And in journalism, I work where I want. I remember a couple of times I had to write in conditions that I did not like, and my condition was absolutely miserable. I’m sorry that many of us are in this state all the time. And it would be better if for us work was like sex – a pleasure!