“Is there something wrong with me?”: how the fear of loneliness interferes with building relationships

Why are women afraid of being alone?

The fear of being alone, which means not being like everyone else, is born in us in childhood. Parents repeat: you will grow up, you will graduate from the institute, then you will get married, give birth to children … It turns out: there is no man – there is no full realization.

In the mind of the girl, a picture of the world is formed, where happiness without a man is impossible. And getting married is the only way to live. She grows up with the feeling that without another person she cannot be happy, realize herself, solve her problems. This is a very serious level of addiction.

Another reason is the unwillingness to be different. Fear of not meeting standards. Our society actively promotes the image of a happy woman who is realized in the social sphere and family relationships. So if I’m single, then there’s something wrong with me. And at a deeper subconscious level, a woman is afraid that it will always be like this, that she will not find her place in society.

Why do men avoid women with a fear of being alone?

A woman who is afraid to be alone wants to please everyone and needs constant approval and support. She is always in suspense: what will a man think, what will he do, how should she behave correctly? Tortured from childhood by parental advice, she looks confused, does not understand what she wants, and whether her desire matters against the background of what they want from her. This interferes with communication and repels members of the opposite sex.

At the forefront of such a woman is the desire to have a man at any cost. Sometimes she even marries the first applicant she comes across, just not to be alone. But she does not understand why she actually decided to take this step.

“He doesn’t want a serious relationship!”

How to understand that a partner is serious? First of all, soberly assess the situation: is the man paying enough attention to you? Does he talk or do more?

I recently had a client in a consultation who was talking about her new romance. Her love is a big businessman who doesn’t have time for dates. Only for rare meetings – one or two a month. He never calls, texts, shows no signs of attention, but when they are together, it’s a blast. Crazy sex, beautiful promises, passion. Then he disappears again.

We live in a world of social networks and mobile communications. And if a man shows you that he doesn’t even have five minutes a day to communicate, stop convincing yourself that he needs you.

It also happens that it is not enough for a woman to find a partner, she must definitely marry herself, and then keep her in this marriage. And all this because of the same fear – to be alone. Often I come across such couples where the hero is literally forcibly led down the aisle. Is there happiness there? The answer is obvious. After a few years, a man either gets a mistress or gets divorced.

Ask yourself: do you need a person who lives nearby just for convenience? In such pairs there is always a game of manipulation. So, when a man wants to break up, a woman tries in every possible way to show that she cannot be without him. Or he resorts to the famous: “I gave you the best years, and you ruined everything.”

In such cases, I always ask you to answer honestly the question: are you interested in yourself? Imagine that you are the only person in your life right now. What will you do? What are your hobbies? Do you want to be with yourself?

When we completely dissolve in a man, subordinating our life to his rules, we must understand that he will get tired of it. He has his own interests, hobbies, life. And you?

From loneliness to love

The good news is that you can work with the fear of being alone. First, figure out what you need the relationship for. To show your girlfriends how in demand you are? Or for the family to finally calm down with questions about marriage? Or maybe someone to spend time with?

Second, clear your head. Try to throw out of it all the stereotypes and unnecessary thoughts. I advise you to write down on a sheet a list of feelings that you would like to experience in a relationship, and then look for all these feelings within yourself. Agree, it is difficult to radiate love when you yourself desperately need it.

Thirdly, answer the question: “Which woman will your man be interested in?”. And come up with activities for yourself, find new hobbies. Totally enjoy your life.

Understand that fear has power over us only when we are not aware of it. By honestly answering the question why you are afraid to be alone, you will change your worldview 180 degrees. It is possible that your fear is far-fetched and has no basis.

The story of one of my clients is an example of this. For nine years she was married to a man whom she literally married to herself. A child appeared, a joint life. But at one point, he left. And then the worst began. The woman put herself in the position of a victim: I am an incubator for the birth of a child, I have not been socially realized, nobody needs me. Everyone around is to blame, but not me.

I advised her to first understand herself, and we found the cause of fear. In the family where she grew up, women of all generations got married to show society their usefulness. But every marriage, oddly enough, ended in divorce. As soon as we knew the reason, it became clear that the problem could be solved – get rid of fear, abandon the position of the victim and improve your life.

Having fears is normal. But if fear becomes a part of our lives, it’s time to start working on ourselves. Do not look for a partner just to avoid being alone with yourself. Loneliness is not a sentence. In the end, as Omar Khayyam said: “It’s better to starve than to eat anything. It’s better to be alone than with just anyone.”