Contents
We already know a lot about the behavior of partners before and during physical intimacy. And what happens immediately after sex remains a much less explored topic: only jokes about instantly falling asleep husbands and disappointed wives are heard.
“Surprisingly, everything that happens (or does not happen) immediately after sexual contact: touches, kisses, conversations that do not arouse desire, but allow the couple to feel each other deeper and closer, has been studied so far very little,” — says Noam Shpancer, a psychologist at Otterbein University (Ohio, USA).
In the late 1970s, after studying over 250 men and women, psychologists James Halpern and Mark Sherman published Afterplay: A Key to Intimacy, in which argued that intimacy after sexual contact should be considered as a fundamental part of the relationship. Most of the participants in the experiment, regardless of their gender, said that they do not have enough time that they spend with each other immediately after intimacy. The authors also found for both sexes a positive relationship between the duration of communication after sex and the well-being of the relationship. “In the 1990s, all research on post-sex behavior was mostly about contraception,” says Noam Spenser. – This is explained by the fact that the first birth control pills, which are taken the next morning, entered the market at that time. And only in recent years, works have begun to appear that allow us to confidently say that the period that completes the sexual meeting of a couple is the most important for harmonious relationships.
Read more:
- How to maintain intimacy and sexual relations in a couple
Man and woman
“It is very important for me that immediately after love we can talk and fall asleep, embracing,” admits 32-year-old Irina. “And I know that although my friend loves me, he himself does not feel an urgent need for words and touches at such moments. However, he always goes to meet me.” “Our attitudes towards caresses after sex are also partly gender-specific and related to different roles in the reproductive process,” says cognitive psychologist Amanda Borrow (Amanda Borrow). It is no coincidence that women need this to a somewhat greater extent. They are evolutionarily programmed for a stable and long-term union in order to be under the protection of a man during pregnancy and after the birth of a child. And their internal task is to bind a partner to themselves. Men, on the other hand, are biologically prone to short sexual encounters and are less likely to spend emotional effort on caresses after sex. Therefore, joint sleep after intimacy usually occurs at the initiative of women.
B. Martel “Sexuality, love and gestalt”
Bridget Martel expounds the theory of sexuality in an interesting, concise and structured way; answers complex and atypical questions about a person’s intimate life; cites numerous stories that most often occur in Gestalt therapy sessions – and these examples add to the book’s appeal.
A study by psychologists Daniel Kruger and Susan Hughes also finds a gender difference in behavior after a sexual encounter.1. The experiment involved 170 American students who answered questions about behavior after intimacy: kissing, hugging, gentle touching and talking. The results showed that women were much more likely to initiate communication, even if they were not in love and the man was not their regular partner. Recent Japanese studies on sexual desires and fantasies also show that women require more attention after sex than they actually receive.2. However, another work by Kruger and Hughes showed a more complex picture – not only women are in dire need of tenderness. This is also important for men, but in the event that they consider the relationship as stable and trusting. At the same time, the researchers refuted the widespread belief that it is men who fall asleep faster after intimacy. As for women, they willingly spend time with a man after sex if they enjoyed it, and quickly fall asleep if this did not happen.
Read more:
- Orgasm: 10 Surprising Facts
Before and after orgasm
Psychologists at the University of California conducted a study involving 200 American students and found a link between an orgasm and a couple’s subsequent communication.3. Participants who had an orgasm were more likely to report a need to express feelings after intimacy, and this was especially true for women. However, the emotional intensity of sex also influenced men’s desire to be tender and spend extra time with a partner before falling asleep. Psychologist Denis Afifi suggests that sharing the moments of the highest pleasure, we feel more secure and experience a special spiritual intimacy. The reason may be the level of the hormone oxytocin, which rises significantly immediately after orgasm. After all, it is this hormone that reduces stress and promotes relaxation.4.
Read more:
- Men in search of tenderness
The University of Toronto also studied the relationship of affectionate behavior after sex and sexual satisfaction.5. It turned out that the more time the couple spent together after making love, the more positively the partners spoke about their relationship, including the sexual side of life. “The choice to communicate after sexual contact also depends on circumstances not directly related to sex,” says psychologist Susan Hughes. – People who are not close to each other in this case talk much less often. Communication after sex is more common in couples who love each other.” Although intimacy after sex is more valued by women, it is essentially necessary for both partners. This short and seemingly insignificant moment of communication strengthens our relationship, giving them warmth and trust.
Read more:
- Blowjob: ideas and skills for more pleasure
1 Journal of Social, Evolutionary and Cultural Psychology, May 2011.
2 Journal of sex & Marital Therapy, 2014.
3 «Pillow Talk: Exploring Disclosures After Sexual Activity», Western Journal of communication, March 2012.
4 «The role of oxytoxin in mating and pregnancy», Hormones and Behavior, March 2012.
5 «Post Sex Affectionate Exchanges Promote Sexual and Relationship Satisfaction», Archives of Sexual Behavior, October 2015.