Is there a right moment to have a baby?

Elisa, a biologist from Florence, did not think long about this question. “Our decision may have seemed crazy from the outside, but for us it was very wise. We had a child, although neither of us had a job at that time. Psychologically, this was the right moment, and I know that if we started thinking about it, we would not have done it … ”And at 25, while still studying at the institute, Eliza made a decision. Today she is a happy mother, and her son Rocco is already 1,5 years old.

40-year-old Maria, a producer from Milan, is still waiting for the ideal conditions: “I always wanted a child, but there has never been an ideal situation that would allow me to make such a decision with confidence. And the further, the more I fear that it will be too late.

Indeed, is there an ideal time to have a baby? And if so, how to define it? The first possible path to a solution is to see if you are capable of love.

Desire or duty?

“When a woman feels the desire to give birth to a child, she must understand that this child will not be “hers”, it will be a separate person, one of a kind, who will plan his life in his own way,” says psychologist Claudio Rize from the University of Milan.

Rize’s concept comes from a Tibetan meditation that tries to capture the moment when a child from his “superworld” sees his future parents and asks them to bring him into this world. During pregnancy, the couple fantasizes about what a “perfect” baby that meets all expectations they will have (“Let’s hope that he will have your eyes and that he will be as smart …”).

Such fantasies are quite natural. “When a child is born, his parents are often disappointed,” Rize explains. “After all, they idealized him, represented his image, each relying on their individuality. Instead of realizing whether they are ready to bring a new life into this world, which will have its own purpose, its own path. It turns out that sometimes, even despite all the favorable conditions, the moment is inappropriate.

This is exactly what happened to Rosa, who at the age of 29 felt a “duty” to give birth to a child appeared in her. At that moment she was married, her career was going uphill, and it seemed to her that the child was the very piece of the puzzle that was missing to complete the picture of life.

“In such cases, the child becomes a social icon, like a house by the sea or a new car, which over time risks losing value,” explains psychotherapist Laura Calabresi. Rosa’s motherhood still presents a problem: she continues to maneuver between hatred of diapers and children’s nightly crying and guilt that she does not feel like a loving mother. The child “picks up” this lack of sincerity and naturalness and therefore becomes nervous and uncontrollable. A woman is ready to become a mother when she is ready for serious changes, and this feeling can come at any age.”

Ada, an employee of a PR agency, came to him at 34, after ten years of marriage. “It was only then that I was able to include someone else in our strong union with my husband,” she says. However, such a clarity of view is not inherent in everyone, and most often people tend to focus on external circumstances. Thus, the question is: is it better to have a child immediately or after a career has taken place?

“For women who give birth at a young age, the baby becomes a way of personal growth, while women who later decide to have a baby can use the acquired skills,” continues Calabresi. “This is a moment that for some women may never come. However, this does not mean that a woman cannot successfully fulfill herself.”

Growth moment

For Enrico de Sanctis, a psychologist from Milan, “the ideal conditions are when a woman has been able to develop the ability to understand what a child needs.” For others, it’s about something that at some point makes you feel “a physical desire to have a baby, have a big belly, breastfeed,” as Lucia, a 43-year-old filmmaker from Bari, who has two children, Luca and Alessio, explains ( 14 and 8 years).

And yet: can a modern woman allow herself to want a child, regardless of real experience, or, on the contrary, work, the strength of relationships – elements that should not be underestimated?

For Verena Schmid, midwife and author of Come Into the World and Bring the Light, falling in love, a career, having a home or not are all important. But the main stimulus is different: “Even when external conditions are unfavorable, a very strong desire to have a child helps to overcome external difficulties. Our grandmothers said: “Every child comes with a loaf of bread under his arm.” In the end, he always finds his place and helps his parents.”

The child of 31-year-old Isa, a manager from Vercelli, was not planned: “We were just starting an affair, and none of us wanted a child. However, the child opened a new path for us, it was a moment of serious growth.”

“As a result, almost everything changes after a pregnancy,” concludes Schmid. – Whether the child was born late or early, whether he was desired or not – it’s always good. The right moment is the inner conditions in order to open yourself and be able to create space for a new person.

Three questions to ask yourself before planning a pregnancy

1. Are social conventions affecting my desire for a child? Do I feel the pressure of my parents (“they want to see me as a mother”), the desire to imitate my friends (“Paola looks great with her baby, as fair as she is”), or the need to get as close as possible to the embodiment of the ideal image (“ me, him and a happy kid in a country house”)?

2. Am I able to accept the child as he is, and not as I imagined him? To make every effort to ensure that he harmoniously develops as a person? Do not expect anything from the child, but simply devote yourself to him?

3. Do I have enough sincerity and willingness to forget about myself and devote most of your time and energy not to work, not to a loved one, not to your own, but to a new life?

Biological clock – should we believe it?

The countdown for many starts after thirty. By forty, there comes a point when even the most level-headed women lose sleep for fear that the train of motherhood has left. Is it fear motivated? No, says Verena Schmid.

“Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers gave birth to their second and third children until menopause. We must remember that giving birth is the most natural process in life. There is no reason for doubt and concern, only if it is not about fertility.” However, most often this problem is associated with the absence of a partner. The search for a good man eventually turns into a race against time under the influence of negative anxiety that men catch and run from.