«My wife wants to have a threesome and I’m afraid it will ruin our relationship,» says a husband at risk of being «spare» in his bed. Psychologists urge: before you offer or agree, evaluate the consequences of the experiment.
The established nature of sexual life, established life, children — stability in marriage is sometimes too boring. Usually, at the moment of realizing this, one of the spouses has a desire to try something new, to shake things up.
Sex in a good hotel room instead of a bedroom memorized by heart, unusual positions or role-playing, costume games do not cause such painful silence before an answer as an offer to have a threesome. The spouse (a) faces a dilemma: if you let a third person into bed, will this break the marriage? And if you do not let me in, will I provoke treason?
Soon there will be three of us
It is necessary to immediately separate the boundaries: you are offered sex, not cohabitation. “In trigamy — the marriage of three people — the participants agree with their role and accept it. In our case, we are talking about triolism — group sex with a minimum number of participants. It rather resembles a sexual deviation (deviation), where satisfaction is achieved exclusively with sexual intercourse performed in the presence or with the participation of a third person. Some sexologists argue that in fact this is a kind of combination of exhibitionism with voyeurism, which manifests itself in the sexual actions of several partners in front of each other, ”says professor, sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko.
So, you understand that we are talking only about pleasure during the act. But if in the absence of a stamp in the passport this idea can turn on and excite, then in marriage a person feels as if, by agreeing, he is inviting a competitor to his bed.
Systemic family psychotherapist Marina Travkova answers why this is happening: “In our society, the idea of sexual exclusivity still dominates: one partner in one marriage, betrayal equals betrayal. Each couple has its own boundaries, namely, it defines something that makes it a couple, creates a “we”, separated from other “they”. It is extremely easy to destroy such a fragile intimate space by the invasion of a third person. If you got married or got married with the expectation that you will be the only sexual partner of your chosen one, then this experiment is not for you.
However, in reality, there are couples for whom «being together» does not mean «being sexually faithful» at all. Therefore, betrayal for them is not a betrayal, because the main thing is not to fall in love, not to get too emotionally involved so that there is no threat to the relationship. For such couples, all kinds of experiments, including “inviting a third person,” are like trying a new dish together or going to a new play. The main thing is that together. You won’t worry if you tried Chinese noodles together and your partner liked it more than you?”
act of goodwill
Sexologist Catherine Blanc believes that the origins of the desire to have a threesome go back to our childhood. The position we want to occupy in the “triangle” also depends on how relations with parents were built. Maybe your husband lacks dominance or your wife lacks the care and tenderness that, in her opinion, only a woman can give. According to the sexologist, contrary to the established stereotype, the fantasy of a threesome can visit both a man and a woman.
Perhaps you just need to be more attentive to each other’s desires. A big step towards resolving the issue can be a dialogue: find out why this particular way to diversify your personal life seems to him (her) the most interesting? By communicating, rather than experiencing self-doubt, you will be open and protect your freedom of choice. By agreeing to an experiment without inner readiness, a person actually exposes himself to violence in the literal or figurative sense and, moreover, risks losing confidence in his partner.
Yevgeny Kashchenko insists: “Do not try to have a threesome if you want a strong and lasting family relationship. Experiments in sexual intercourse can only be good before marriage and for those people whose sexual style and personal character suggest new or unusual forms of intercourse, like playing with new Lego blocks. In marriage, the trio destroys traditional family life.
Having shown loyalty and interest in your partner’s fantasies, together you can find alternative options or still decide to invite a third party, but do it consciously and voluntarily.