The topic of surrogate motherhood always gives rise to disputes of a moral and ethical and not only nature. Perinatal psychologist Galina Filippova told us about how the experience of being born from a surrogate mother affects the baby and family relationships, as well as who and why should attend childbirth preparation courses.
Psychologies: Does the absence of a common nine months in the life of mother and baby affect their relationship?
Galina Filippova: Of course, because in the process of pregnancy there is a formation of these relationships. A woman develops an understanding of the state of the child, that very “maternal intuition”, and an attachment to him is formed.
A mother who did not bear a child is deprived of this experience. This means that it will be more difficult for her to adapt and adapt to a new role. She has less bodily experience, she will have to focus only on the realization of the fact that she is now a mother.
And what does a baby feel when moving from one mother to another?
For a child, this is not so important. His psychological comfort in this case depends much more on how quickly the “new” mother takes the actual maternal position. The change of mother will be practically painless if the “new” mother is well prepared – for example, she takes appropriate courses, works with a psychologist.
And here is an important problem. Parents who have decided on surrogacy are so focused on achieving their goal, so absorbed in it, investing so much time, effort and money in it, that at some point it begins to seem to them that they have already paid for everything in full and now they will definitely be good parents. But it’s not. You have to learn how to be a parent.
What do you mean?
All parents, regardless of how the child is born, should not only attend childbirth preparation courses, but also consult a psychologist. In the courses, say, only a small part of the information relates to the birth itself, everything else is about the child, about how to establish contact with the baby, how it grows and develops.
You are about to have a helpless creature in your arms, actually left without a mother (without the one she is used to), without breastfeeding – you need to prepare for this! And future parents throughout pregnancy are forced to deal with issues and concerns, mainly of a legislative nature. They often do not have time to think about the psychological aspects of communication with the unborn child.
Having decided to give birth to a child, on our own or with the help of a surrogate mother, we rarely ask ourselves why we are doing this. During pregnancy, this restructuring takes place, it becomes clear that you need to change your lifestyle, your behavior. With surrogate motherhood, this does not happen, all the forces of future parents are directed not to providing care for the child, but to realizing themselves: “I want a child, I don’t have one, let it be.”
Is it possible to say that families with a child born from a surrogate mother have a harder time than ordinary families?
Oh sure. Judging by the experience of my work, parents of children born from surrogate mothers, more often than others, feel their inadequacy, strive to present themselves to society as “real”, that is, ordinary, traditional parents.
Therefore, many of them imitate pregnancy, hide the truth from colleagues, relatives, and most importantly, from the child himself. For years you have to live with a skeleton in a closet, in constant tension and fear.
Should a child know exactly how he was born into the world?
Yes. He has a right to it.
You can treat surrogacy differently, but it seems that today more and more families are resorting to this method?
When pregnancy cannot occur naturally, doctors offer alternative ways to have a child: from fertilization of a donor egg and IVF (in vitro fertilization) to surrogate motherhood.
Even seven years ago, IVF seemed to be something out of the realm of fantasy, but now it is perceived quite calmly. So, in 2011, with the help of IVF, 6 million children were born. It’s already a whole population.
There was a certain split: some parents say that children should be born only naturally, others are sure that it is stupid not to take advantage of the achievements of modern science. But any talk about a ban on the same IVF is talk in favor of the poor. Progress cannot be stopped. I think that soon surrogate motherhood will become a common thing, it’s just a matter of time.