Is shame the most useless emotion?

Most believe that only positive emotions bring benefits. And what about other experiences: heartache, frustration, anxiety, discontent, longing, anger? Research in the field of psychology and neuroscience has proven that the ability to experience emotions is inherent in us from birth for a reason. Emotions are important messages from the body. One of my main tasks as a psychologist, writer and blogger is to tell everyone what an invaluable resource this is, how important it is to listen carefully to what they have to tell us.

There is one emotion that I would single out in a separate category. She, like other feelings, also conveys a certain message to us, but its usefulness is limited, and it causes great harm to our inner «I». It’s about shame.

One dictionary offers a definition: shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or discomfort caused by the realization of the stupidity or fallacy of one’s own actions.” And what does the body want to communicate through a sense of shame? “You just did something stupid or wrong. Stop immediately and never do that again.» This message can be helpful if we have indeed made mistakes by hurting ourselves or someone else. But I’ve seen a lot of wonderful people who were tormented by shame because of situations that should not be ashamed.

What harm does shame do to us?

1. It has the insidious ability to move freely and attach itself to situations in which there is nothing to be ashamed of.

2. Causes so much mental pain that it takes more power over us than it should.

3. The feeling of shame carries with it a negative assessment of oneself. Every time you feel it, it undermines confidence and self-love, lowers self-esteem.

In dealing with thousands of people whose emotional needs were neglected as children, I realized that they—those whose feelings were not taken seriously as children—are particularly prone to shame as adults. If as a child you were given to understand that your emotions are excessive, uncomfortable and unwanted, it is only natural that you began to be ashamed of them. If you are accustomed to being ashamed of the most personal, biologically determined way of self-expression — your emotional experiences, then you will easily experience shame for any other reason.

When shame is good

• Waking up with a terrible hangover, Lotta realized that she had drunk much more than she should have drunk the previous evening, and made a mockery of herself. She felt a sharp twinge of shame and vowed to herself never to drink so much again.
• Scott realized that he had unwittingly started flirting with a colleague during the conference. He remembered that his wife had always been faithful to him, and he felt ashamed. He immediately stopped behaving like that.
• Olivia liked the leftover cake so much that she ate three large pieces. Soon she felt sick and ashamed that she allowed herself to succumb to temptation. “I’m disgusted in every sense of the word,” she thought, “I’ll give someone the rest of the cake.”

When shame is useless

• Cynthia thought over and over every word she said at yesterday’s party. “I was too rude, it looked so stupid. And you shouldn’t have allowed yourself this idiotic comment, ”she agonized. Remembering yesterday, every time she felt a pang of shame.
• Eric wanted to tell his family that he got a promotion at work, but every time he was going to do it, he was prevented by a sudden fit of shame.
• Georges tried never to remember how he was bullied as a child, because these memories each time caused a terrible feeling of shame.

How to understand whether this feeling is healthy or harmful?

Shame is only useful when it motivates you to take productive action. It is clear that the emotion that Lotta, Scott and Olivia feel helps them understand something important and learn a lesson for the future, while causing enough discomfort that this lesson is not forgotten.

On the other hand, Cynthia’s shame drains her energy, causing her to reflect aimlessly. Eric’s shame prevents him from getting the praise and pride he deserves from his family. Georges — prevents him from healing the injuries received in childhood, in which he is not to blame. Shame says nothing important to Cynthia, Eric and Georges. It’s time for them to realize that he only brings them harm, and it’s time to cope with him, and not allow themselves to be controlled.

Deal with shame:

1. Track bouts of shame. When you feel a sudden shame, pay attention to it and take your mind off everything else for a while.

2. Ask yourself, “What is this feeling telling me? Does it offer a productive action plan?”

3. If you can hear a productive message, listen to it.

4. If not, remember that shame can be useless.

5. Say to yourself, “This feeling of shame is not doing me any good. I won’t let him control me.» Then turn your attention to something else. Every time this feeling begins to creep into your soul again, repeat this phrase and be distracted by something else.

Remember that every time you feel shame, without controlling and thinking about this feeling, self-esteem suffers. If you caught a productive message in this feeling, then the sooner you listen to it and can put shame behind you, the better for you.

About the expert: Jonis Webb, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist.