Probably, there are few among us who have never dreamed of avenging injustice. However, only a few dare to realize these fantasies. What drives them? Says publicist Peg Streep.
“I stopped communicating with my mother three years ago, but she continues to wage war with me: she tells stories about me, as if trying to destroy my life and reputation. She won all her relatives over to her side, but this is not enough for her: she even got to social networks, and she is 66 years old! Why is one person trying so hard to harm another?
“We have been divorced for seven years, I got married again, the former also has a serious relationship, but it feels like he wakes up every morning with the thought of taking revenge on me. He drags me to court for the slightest provocation. Does this make him happy? What makes him torment me and our children so much?”
Most of us have had fantasies of just retribution for those who intentionally hurt, deceived, or betrayed us. Usually, things do not go beyond fantasies — because of rational considerations, moral standards, or fear of retaliation. So we just leave everything in the past and move on, laughing or limping. We do not write reports to the boss of the offender, we do not tell the new boyfriend of our ex about her infidelity. Revenge can be sweet, but it’s better to just eat candy or poke a voodoo doll with a needle.
However, not everyone stops at the fantasy stage. What drives these people?
Make the abuser suffer
Revenge has a long history: suffice it to recall Odysseus and his method of getting rid of his wife’s suitors, or the Old Testament and «an eye for an eye.» The theme of revenge never loses relevance, its pulsing energy still captivates us in classic works like Hamlet or The Count of Monte Cristo, and in modern books and films (Carrie, Gone Girl). In real life, murders and other violent acts are often justified by the need for revenge.
Psychologists at the University of Waterloo in Canada, Katrina Schumann and Michael Ross, define revenge as an act provoked by undeserved aggression. Revenge and punishment differ in motivation and goals: if punishment is to improve the behavior of the offender or prevent future violations, then the purpose of revenge is to make the offender suffer.
Some researchers believe that the threat of retribution helped our ancestors form social bonds: violators of rules or boundaries were met with an early reckoning. In addition, vengeful people were less likely to be attacked, they were safer.
Get satisfaction
Many people believe that revenge reduces tension and reduces anger towards the offender, while retribution helps calm negative emotions, replacing them with positive ones. However, a group of psychologists led by Kevin Carlsmith, after conducting three studies on this subject, came to the conclusion that the opposite is true. The punishment of the offender forced the participants of the experiment to plunge even deeper into thoughts about him and his actions, especially if the person himself carried out revenge, and not just watched it.
That is, the effect of catharsis from revenge is nothing more than fiction. It is generally difficult for people to predict their feelings and emotions from any actions.
Revenge can still bring short-term joy — at least for men
However, revenge can still bring short-term joy — at least for men. Tanya Singer from the Max Planck Institute in Leipzig and her colleagues studied the brain activity of men and women. The subjects played the game of economics fairly and dishonestly, and in the process received a mild electric shock. If an honest player got hit, men and women reacted in the same way — with sympathy. But if the discharge went to the one who cheated, the centers of sympathy were not activated in men. Moreover, high activity was revealed in the centers responsible for receiving the award. They are considered to be associated with revenge.
This does not mean that there are no vindictive women, but the result is interesting anyway. Maybe women are more sympathetic? So far nothing can be said for sure.
Who is the most vindictive?
“If someone had told me about narcissism before the divorce, I would have had time to prepare for many years of playing cat and mouse. But no. Until I wanted to end our relationship, I did not understand who I was living with. A modest guy, not a braggart, not very sociable, but how vindictive he turned out to be! I left because of his alcoholism and still do not understand why and to whom he took revenge.
Some people are more prone to revenge than others (in addition, certain emotions, such as anger, increase its likelihood. But daffodils have the palm for revenge. After them come people with neurotic disorders.
Social psychologist Ryan Brown has studied the relationship between unforgiveness and vindictiveness. People who easily forgive others are rarely really vindictive, but the decisive factor here is still narcissism. In The Narcissist You Know, psychotherapist Joseph Burgo describes the «vindictive narcissist» type. His vindictiveness, according to Burgo, is associated with unconscious shame and fear that this shame will be discovered.
The best way to get revenge on someone is to live well
The narcissist is so afraid of being exposed and vulnerable that in response to any attack, real or imaginary, he responds with a merciless blow. And we can’t even imagine the extent of the narcissist’s vindictiveness until we get hit.
People with a high level of neuroticism are also often inclined to take revenge. At first glance, this seems strange, because they are usually indecisive, prone to self-criticism, and have difficulty achieving goals. But their vindictiveness is the result of an inability to cope with negative emotions, in particular, anger. A long-term study led by the English psychologist John Maltby showed that neurotics who were angry for a long time still yearned for revenge even after two and a half years. So, if there is someone in your environment who does not know how to cope with anger, be on the lookout for him!
As for the expediency of revenge as such, perhaps one can agree with the statement attributed to the poet George Herbert: «The best way to take revenge on someone is to live well.»
Peg Streep is an American publicist. Author of 11 books on family relationships. One of them, The Art of Retreating, co-authored with Alan Bernstein, has been translated into Russian.