Is narcissism the norm?

Who among us does not like to post selfies on Instagram, share impressions from the last vacation, show off a new car? Beautiful and successful, tanned, fit, surrounded by exquisite things – we regularly see such people in commercials, magazines, films. We involuntarily begin to compare ourselves with them, dream of being just as happy – and now we are in a hurry to get a new iPhone, take pictures in a trendy restaurant, tell stories about how good and successful our life is. And what happens then? We monitor the number of “likes”, views, nervously check the phone and how happy the children are when we see that our friends have rated our photos.

Modern life dictates its own conditions, you have to invest a lot of effort in developing your own image. And if earlier only family members and colleagues could appreciate a new hairstyle, now everyone is a bit of a celebrity.

The reality in which we, on the one hand, are in plain sight, and on the other, often hide who we really are, has become familiar. Signs of narcissism are easy to see in each of us: we admire our own reflection, compare ourselves with others, feel addicted to ratings and “likes”. Self-confidence has become fragile, and without the approval of others, there is a feeling of loneliness and emptiness.

It seems that narcissism is taking on the character of a mass epidemic … or simply becoming the norm of XNUMXst century society.

Where did mass narcissism come from?

The famous American psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams admits that among her patients there are more and more those who suffer from a narcissistic disorder. And if Freud’s patients were worried about guilt, then today’s clients of psychotherapists are more concerned about how rich, popular and successful they are. The issue of self-esteem becomes so acute that even in the office of a psychologist it is difficult for them to talk about their own failures.

“The first feeling from a narcissist who comes to therapy is: “He’s fine,” says Italian psychotherapist Umberta Telfener. “Or he’s only trying to show you the attractive, successful part of himself.”

First television, and now the Internet in general and social networks in particular, allow you to compare yourself not only with neighbors on the porch, but also with those who live in another city and even country. We are increasingly moving to cities. “In small communities, villages, small towns, where people have known you since childhood, it’s harder to pretend to be someone else. And the appearance of narcissism is less likely there,” notes Nancy McWilliams.

Large families, in which several generations coexisted together at once, are being replaced by the format of a nuclear family, consisting of a married couple and one or two children. Modern parents often either make excessive demands on the child, or from childhood inspire him with the idea of ​​his exclusivity. Both approaches create fragile self-esteem, which can later lead to depression, perfectionism, or impostor syndrome. A person becomes arrogant and conceited or withdrawn, notorious, insecure.

Mass Narcissism and Couple Relationships

McWilliams notes that unlike previous generations, we choose a partner from a significantly larger number of people. We are not limited to a narrow circle of friends and colleagues, we easily get acquainted with those who live in another part of the globe.

A wide choice makes me doubt: maybe somewhere there is someone with whom I will be even happier? Our parents knew how to accept each other’s shortcomings, while we idealize relationships, looking for a complete coincidence of interests and views.

Nancy McWilliams believes that idealizing a partner immediately after meeting is quite normal. The problem is that it is difficult for a narcissist to move on to the next phase of the relationship, when it is important to learn to accept each other’s shortcomings as well.

Paradoxically, while idealizing love, such a person is afraid of intimacy. The fear of possible rejection is so strong that the narcissist begins to unconsciously move away from the partner. Telfener shares a case study: “A young couple came to therapy. Initially, the man beautifully looked after, admired the chosen one. But with the advent of the child, their relationship changed: the husband began to move away, blaming his wife that she no longer loves him. The attention given to the child hit too hard on his self-esteem.

Norm or pathology?

“Narcissism is a natural phase in the development of a child, when it seems to him that he is the whole world,” says Umberta Telfener. It is also characteristic of adolescence, when “it’s normal to be interested in how other members of the group evaluate you,” says Nancy McWilliams.

But after all, we, adults, strive for recognition at work, we want to be loved, is that bad? How to distinguish healthy narcissism from pathological?

From the point of view of Umberta Telfener, “healthy narcissism is manifested in the desire to achieve success, while pathological narcissism is more noticeable in relationships, in the inability to truly open up to another. A pathological narcissist either easily changes partners, wanting to be in a state of love and euphoria all the time, or remains alone, not daring to build close relationships.

Nancy McWilliams believes that realistic expectations are a sign of healthy narcissism: “For example, my desire to make a good presentation is a manifestation of healthy narcissism. But I could set myself the goal of making the best presentation you’ve ever seen. In this case, I would certainly feel depressed when my unrealistic plan failed. This is how people with pathological narcissism feel.”

So should mass narcissism be considered an aberration? When does a desire for recognition become a sign of a personality disorder? The concept of norm is always conditional. Over the past hundred years, life has changed a lot, which means that the nature of relations between people has also changed.

Perhaps our task is to take into account this feature of modern society. It is unlikely that we will stop following the publications of friends on social networks and suddenly become completely indifferent to the number of likes. But, knowing that popularity on the Internet does not always mean a happy real life, we can better understand what we really want.