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As we spend more time in the office than at home, we begin to act out during work hours those stories that would be more appropriate in the family scene. How do you draw the line between business and personal relationships, and why do you need to do it at all?
One and a half dozen hands raise glasses of champagne, farewell toasts, praises, wishes are heard … “I will miss you, I hope we will not stop meeting!” says 29-year-old Svetlana and falls silent, unable to continue, emotions overwhelm her. What is happening is reminiscent of a family evening, but this is a farewell party for colleagues with an employee leaving for another company.
Birthdays that we celebrate at work, small gifts and gifts brought to colleagues from vacation, a tea party arranged in honor of the upcoming decree … These cute sketches from office life remind us that the world of professional activity is not at all as soulless and sterile as textbooks make it out to be. on management.
The right to be yourself
“When I was interviewed looking for a job,” says 36-year-old Ekaterina, “one of the managers, looking at my jeans and a striped jacket, said: “We can only dress like this on Fridays.” For some reason, I thought that those who work here are just employees from Monday to Thursday, and from Friday morning they gradually begin to turn into themselves.
“Today, the heads of some companies, like 20-30 years ago, believe that emotionality is inappropriate at work,” explains psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. “They think it’s the best way to run an efficient business, and dress code (like uniforms) is a way to help employees be functional. But my colleagues’ research suggests they are wrong.”1.
The most successful companies are those in which leaders are able to understand their own emotions and are not indifferent to the feelings of colleagues. It only helps in the implementation of the common cause.
The boss is like a father
He may be a tyrant or a charismatic person, his presence is subtle or, conversely, striking everywhere, but it is he, the boss, who sets the tone for the play that is played out in interpersonal relationships at work.
“Occupying a certain position, he forms the type of relationship between subordinates,” explains Valentina Shipilova. “The boss-father can treat them like children, singling out and encouraging favorites, and in response they begin to fight for a privileged position next to him, to the detriment of team cohesion. And if he promotes the development of relationships based on the similarity of interests and sympathy, and positions himself as the captain of the team, this creates favorable conditions for the independence of everyone.
But the boss inevitably becomes the one to whom the fantasies of subordinates are directed. Relationships of subordination, opposition, seduction, love, hatred… “It is with the leader that the old parent-child relationship patterns are most easily lost,” adds Valentina Shipilova. “The clearer a person’s own history is to a person, the less risk that her problems will be reproduced in the professional field.”
Man and function
“Work is a significant part of life,” Alexander Orlov continues. — It is here that we spend our energy, and at home we restore strength. And the desire to communicate, make friends in the office is quite natural: we want to satisfy our needs where we spend most of our time.” Therefore, for many, the atmosphere and psychological situation in the company are so important: we work a lot and do not want to do it to the detriment of internal balance.
“Because of the relationship with the head of the department, a man prone to dictate, I felt literally sick,” says Alexander, 34, a year after his dismissal. – Today I get less, but I work in a team where they respect each other. I was just born again, regained my peace of mind and faith in myself.
“Emotional comfort is so important that many even at work surround themselves with things that reflect their interests. For example, they attach their own photo from a ski resort to a computer monitor, says Alexander Orlov. “So unconsciously, we also declare ourselves as a person, and not as a faceless function.”
If our basic needs are not being met, we resort to the tactics we use in the family.
We realize three basic emotional needs in interpersonal relationships at work: to feel one’s belonging to a group and to be professionally recognized; feel competent and know that your work is appreciated; be aware that others accept you and trust you.
“But when these basic needs are not met, we resort to the tactics that we use in the family,” says French psychotherapist and specialist in interpersonal relations Brian Desroches.
“It’s disgusting, but I have to fawn on my boss – the only way he stops clinging to trifles,” admits 41-year-old Veronika. “By the way, I behaved the same way with my father when I was a teenager, and this always helped me.”
family relations
We tend to perceive work as a “family affair” because the family is the only model of social relations whose mechanisms are familiar from childhood. “Projections, transferences and identifications – these psychological mechanisms allow us to unconsciously replay large and small dramas, conflicts, dreams and deceived hopes of childhood in working relationships,” explains psychoanalytic therapist and business consultant Valentina Shipilova.
Everything we encounter in family history, we reproduce at work. “If we use the terms of transactional analysis,” continues Valentina Shipilova, “we can say that in childhood, under the influence of parental prescriptions (“try hard,” “make others happy,” “hurry up”), our life scenarios are laid. As adults, we play them everywhere we go. And if we perceive the boss as a Parent, then we ourselves feel like a Child – submissive or rebellious, but always acutely experiencing what is happening.
Vulnerable Proximity
From sympathy to a sense of community, then to frankness – this is how personal relationships gradually develop between colleagues. The difficulty is to find the right distance – neither too close nor too far.
“Corporate holidays, trips, meetings – such personal communication satisfies the need for an additional, and sometimes the only circle of communication,” says Alexander Orlov. “Nevertheless, excessive closeness makes everyone more vulnerable: friendship, excessive openness and familiarity sometimes do not allow us to draw a line between emotional and professional, which interferes with our two hypostases at once.”
Office life can be harsh and brutal, and an “open heart” isn’t always the best way to live in it. Therefore, before throwing a party or starting to open up, it is important to understand how not to go too far. How to breathe life and ease into a relationship without falling into intimate confessions that can distort and undermine a working relationship?
Keep yourself in hand
“It is necessary to distinguish between your individuality as individuals and the acceptable level of individuality by position,” recommends French psychoanalyst and coach Helene Vecchiali. – The most difficult thing is to achieve harmony between them. In many companies there are people who allow their own individuality to go beyond the allotted boundaries and bring the personal into all relationships. And there are, on the contrary, those whose “role personality” is hypertrophied, and they generally have only one position left. There are no miraculous recipes, but you still need to work on yourself, otherwise extremes will distort and can destroy professional relationships.
The ability to find a balance between head and heart is an everyday necessity today. It is important to treat yourself with attention and at the same time learn to control yourself, experts advise. Become an objective observer of your relationships with people, noting when something “family” is played out in the professional sphere. Clarify ambiguous statements – for example, by comparing what was said with what we thought. Learn to avoid conflict, maintain self-respect and remain flexible.
Our office life should not be worse than life in general – otherwise what are we spending so much time on?
1 D. Goleman, R. Boyatzis, E. McKee. “Emotional Leadership: The Art of Managing People Based on Emotional Intelligence” (Alpina Business Books, 2006).