Despite the abundance of information, we still have a lot of prejudices that can complicate intimate life. If for someone pleasure and sex cannot exist without pain, it is usually associated with childhood experiences. And here it is more important not so much to identify the problem as to find a solution.
For the first time, we begin to feel love in childhood — in relationships with our mother and father, brothers and sisters, and other people important to us.
However, if they showed cruelty — in a physical or psychological sense — towards us or towards each other, this could greatly affect our idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXblove.
Then later, when building a relationship with another person, we will probably strive to repeat what we experienced, either by adopting the forced position of a masochist, or, conversely, by becoming one who shows violence.
For some, love and sex are incompatible: such people clearly draw the line between ideal love (essentially maternal) and sexual love, for which they separately find partners.
Sex in a love relationship is unimaginable for them: it either causes fear of incest, or is perceived as unacceptable aggression. By causing pain during sex, they try to eliminate the slightest possibility of a love feeling.
Feeling like an “empty place”, deprived of a voice and the right to react to anything, they try to awaken their numb body, treating it cruelly and harshly.
Others, fearing their sexual desire as potentially aggressive, suppress it and take the position of a masochist. Finally, there are those who often experienced humiliation in childhood — and now it is extremely difficult for them to achieve pleasure.
Feeling like an «empty place», deprived of a voice and the right to react to anything, they try to awaken their numb body, treating it cruelly and harshly.
Do you think it’s abnormal? No, if we understand that such a person is trying to solve a painful problem that has been following him since childhood.
And yet it makes sense for him to think: what does this type of relationship mean for him? Why is he limited to only them?
The point is not that sadism and masochism are deviations from some sexual norm (there is no norm in sexuality), but that they can interfere with opening other paths of self-realization, away from the confused children’s routes. Isn’t that the goal for an adult?