One woman psychologist, a Gestalt therapist, told us a couple of years before her eldest daughter graduated from school: “Oleg, children are now physically growing up, but psychologically and mentally they remain children. Sometimes up to thirty years. Especially in Petersburg. Remember, take into account and do not burden Katya, there is no need for excessive rigidity. Katya is not ready yet. She is offended…” And so on. My daughter heard the psychologist’s words very well, and once, when it came to entering the institute, attending additional courses, I started to put pressure again …, to demand action, instead of dreams and chatter — my daughter reminded me of what the kind woman, Gestalt therapist: “Don’t put pressure on me, I’m not ready for such loads yet, I’m still a child!”.
Then I put the “child” in front of me and said literally the following: “My dear Katyusha, I am ready to take into account your wishes. But then you too, please consider for the future — my conditions. Two years before your graduation, I’m ready to take into account that you do not want to grow up. And sometime you want to be a child more. But:
- If you don’t go to college after school, you go to work and move to your apartment. Removable or grandmother’s, if you agree with your grandmother;
- For five years, I’ve funded your studies. Did not enter the first year — four years of funding remained, did not enter the second year — three remained, etc.;
- In the first year after school, I pay for the language exams IELTS, TOEFL (and they are expensive). If you don’t pass, you pay yourself next year.
And I no longer press and take into account that you are a child. Two years to grow up. Can you do it?» I said it affectionately, with care, but the child knew that I would keep my words.
4 years have passed since then… This summer, a student of the American University came for vacation. What are your plans for the summer? I asked. She took out a diary with 7 items… A few items are difficult. Officials, terms, probability of delays. “You may not have time to do everything over the summer. You need to start in a week at the most,” I commented on the list. She started working tomorrow!
At the end of the summer she was leaving and all the items were crossed out in the diary. She received new Russian and foreign passports, a Schengen visa, and went to Finland. I studied, passed the exams and got a driver’s license. Painted a house in the village. With all this, working as a waitress in a restaurant for a whole summer, she earned 90 thousand USD net for the summer. She did not work — she threshed. Even we, the parents, did not expect such a performance. Therefore, at the end of the summer, my mother and I allowed ourselves to be proud of the child!
At the same time, Katya, the same age — the daughter of a friend — slept until 12 o’clock. And a friend complained about how difficult it is for teenagers to get a job. Life is really different… like different people…
Why am I talking about cruelty to children? A healthy, reasonable dose of ruthlessness towards children produces excellent results. Amazing results. Learn to let go of the bike and let your child control it, including stuffing your own bumps and “licking your wounds” yourself, and you will get a strong, smart, energetic, purposeful, and grateful child.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.