Paradoxically, the stronger our desire to make friends at work, the less likely we will be able to really connect with colleagues. Why do we risk becoming outcasts in a new team if we talk a lot about the personal, explains psychotherapist Pierre Blanc-Sanoun.
For some time now, colleagues at work began to avoid Marina. As soon as she shows up at the buffet during the break, everyone immediately has a bunch of urgent things to do. Marina has been working in this company for three months. By nature, she is friendly and open, completely trusts her colleagues and even shares with them the details of her personal life. Why did she find herself in the position of an outcast? “Marina is shunned by co-workers because she refuses to abide by the unspoken code of being polite and considerate to others, but not going beyond a purely professional relationship,” says psychotherapist Pierre Blanc-Sanoun. – Polite “Hello! How are you doing?” from your office mate implies a short response like “Thanks, good. How are you? ”, And not at all a thorough account of the sore. Of course, it is easier to work in a friendly atmosphere, but it should not develop into friendships or love relationships in a team. At work, we show our professional qualities, and those who do not want to limit themselves to them risk a lot of problems.”
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Laying out the details of her personal life as if in spirit, without thinking about whether they are interesting to the interlocutor, Marina makes a serious mistake. It violates not only the professional code, but also the normal rhythm of the development of any interpersonal relationship. After all, the transition from superficial social ties to close, trusting communication occurs gradually. To earn trust, you first have to go through a lot together. When we rush things, the interlocutor feels out of place.
How to proceed? “The secret of harmonious relationships is the ability to listen. It was this that Marina did not have enough to gradually transfer professional relations to the rank of closer, more trusting ones, ”says Pierre Blanc-Sanoun.
You can realize the need to share your experiences, emotions, secrets through contact with really close people, that is, with those to whom we can entrust all the most personal, who is always ready to listen to us and reciprocate. We all feel the need to pour out our souls from time to time, but this requires an appropriate situation and it is necessary that the interlocutor be ready to listen to us.
“Marina should take a closer look at what relationships are accepted between her colleagues and try to reproduce them,” advises Pierre Blanc-Sanoun. Only in this way will she become a full member of the team. If she has already said too much, the following phrase can save the situation: “I felt better in my soul after our conversation. Thanks for listening. But I understand that at work it’s not worth talking about such things. ”
Pierre Blanc-Sahnoun is a psychotherapist, corporate communications specialist, author of several books, including The Art of Psychotraining (InterÉditions, 2006).