We often say that we strive to be open in relationships, to show our partner who we are without trying to hide anything. But often the thought that we can hear an honest answer to our questions is awe-inspiring. “What does he really feel for me?”, “What is on her mind?”, “Do we really want the same thing?”.
We both want and don’t want to know the truth. And deep down we are afraid that the revelation will be the beginning of the irreversible breakdown of relations. “Honesty, openness and sincerity in new relationships threaten to destroy our hunches and assumptions on which everything has been built so far,” emphasizes family therapist Susie Collins.
Everything we (supposedly) know about our partner, about ourselves, about what fuels our self-esteem, and about the very nature of our relationship, is really just guesswork and speculation at first. Trying to test them can be devastating… Or so it seems to us.
The questions that arise are often based on a deep fear: what if the partner doesn’t really find us all that attractive/smart/interesting? We worry that he may not be taking this relationship very seriously.
That’s why honesty is so scary. We run the risk of finding out that everything is far from being as rosy and smooth as we thought. Therefore, we often ignore emerging questions and doubts or try to suppress them.
“But choosing life in the darkness of ignorance, life with closed eyes, life in a lie, we doom ourselves to a miserable existence, and relationships to withering and disintegration. Isn’t it time to gather your courage and try to establish more open and sincere communication with your partner?” says the expert.
A short action plan will help you overcome fear and learn to love more openly and sincerely.
1. Learn to face fear boldly
Stop fooling yourself and try to figure out what exactly is bothering you. Face your fear (for example, you are afraid that your partner does not want marriage or children, or, on the contrary, wants it, but you do not), but try not to exacerbate these fears.
For example, you might say to yourself, «Yes, I’m afraid my partner is _________,» then focus on your feelings, do your best to calm down, and regain your ability to think clearly. Don’t get hung up on disturbing ideas, don’t start running over possible negative scenarios in your mind.
Yes, sincerity can be uncomfortable at first.
2. Check if your fears are justified and find their cause
Objective facts are the best antidote for fears and anxieties. There are many methods to help calm down and start thinking clearly again: deep breathing, meditation, relaxing music, physical activity, etc.
Instead of questioning your worth and capacity for happiness and love, start questioning your fears. The sooner you can do this, the sooner you will be freed from the limiting beliefs that hold you in the dark.
3. Add more sincerity and openness to your relationship
When your beliefs and perceptions are based on facts and not on fears and fears, it is much easier to communicate more honestly and openly with a partner. Over time, you will be able to freely discuss any topic (for example, the seriousness of your intentions), without fear that the revealed truth will injure someone.
“Yes, sincerity can be uncomfortable at first. You may not like what you hear, but gradually an atmosphere of trust and security will be established in the relationship, and it will become easy to tell the truth, ”says Collins.
4. Ask the question that scares you the most
Sooner or later, you will decide to ask your partner directly about what worries you the most. It doesn’t even matter what the answer is. Perhaps he will help you learn more about each other and become even closer. Or you will realize that it’s time to just stop worrying about it.
“If you have assessed your situation objectively and realized that your fears and worries are caused by insecurities or past traumas, the wisest thing is to show more love for yourself, “let go” of tormenting questions and just enjoy the opportunity to be close to your loved one,” sums up Susie Collins.