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If you have ever performed the wonders of acting, faking an orgasm, you are not alone. According to studies, up to 67% of heterosexual women fake an orgasm. How harmless is this deception and can a woman experience real pleasure?
Why do so many women show feigned enthusiasm? According to Florida sex therapist Rachel Needle, one reason is the myth that women can’t enjoy sex if they don’t make it to the finish line. The notion that if you don’t have an orgasm, something is wrong with you also plays a role. Many studies confirm that most women do not experience orgasm during normal intercourse without additional stimulation.
Imitation does not bode well: you are deceiving your partner, making him think that you are experiencing pleasure, while deceiving yourself. Lies may seem harmless, but over time, they will begin to destroy the intimacy between you. Because the problem is so widespread and controversial, we decided to take a closer look at why women fake orgasms, how it affects their relationship with their partner, and what they can do to get the full pleasure they deserve.
Why do women pretend?
Sometimes faking an orgasm is an easy way to end intercourse. Perhaps you don’t like your partner very much or you can’t relax because of anxiety, tiredness, or worry that he will get tired of waiting until you reach the finish line. Whatever the reason, you close your eyes, take a deep breath, and start feigning intense enjoyment.
“Some women fake orgasms because they are playing a role—they want their partner to think they are liberated and sexy,” says sexologist and psychiatrist Kimberly Resnick Anderson. There is logic in this — a woman sees that this excites her partner, and this can excite her even more and help her experience an orgasm in this way. But the pretense is still a lie.
The reason for pretending is concern for the partner’s self-esteem. “Men often believe that a good lover can be considered a lover who is able to bring a partner to orgasm, so they are often persistent,” says Deborah Fox, a sex therapist in Washington DC. By imitating an orgasm, women reinforce the myth that you can enjoy sex if you set a goal for yourself and achieve it.
How much damage does simulation cause to relationships with a partner?
Someone will say that this is an innocent lie or even a «white lie» — because it does not harm anyone. When you fake an orgasm, your partner is sure that all his movements, caresses and touches have brought you to the highest point of pleasure, so he will most likely act the same next time.
“This way you deprive him of the motivation to try something new,” warns Rachel Needle. Even if you pretend to please your partner and help you feel like a real man, you do not give your partner the opportunity to learn new caresses that could bring you to orgasm and give you real reason to be proud.
By imitating pleasure, women also “support the unhealthy notion that their pleasure in sex is not as important as a man’s,” Anderson says. Yes, sometimes you just want to please your partner, but you can’t neglect your own needs all the time, otherwise your interest in sex will begin to fade, because you are not doing it the way you would like. By simulating, you convince your partner that a normal sexual intercourse is enough for a woman to get him, which, as already mentioned, is far from the truth.
How to learn to experience real orgasms?
First of all, you have to admit that an awkward conversation with a partner cannot be avoided. Whatever your reason for faking orgasms, you need to gather your courage and have an honest discussion with him about the matter. Speak calmly, try to explain the situation directly, but at the same time gently, say how you would like to experience stronger, deeper and more frequent orgasms. And you have quite a few erotic ideas to try out.
Yes, at first it can be uncomfortable to talk about it. But the partner wants to please you (otherwise it’s time to think about whether you need such a relationship). You still have to have this conversation, so use the opportunity wisely.
Tell your partner what kind of caresses you would like, what fantasies you want to realize in order to be completely liberated
Studies show that 8 out of 10 women cannot achieve orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, so suggest that your partner supplement or replace regular sex with caresses and oral intercourse, try sex toys (for example, a vibrator). Stimulation of the clitoris and a variety of caresses can most likely lead a woman to orgasm.
And finally, it is worth remembering that even without experiencing an orgasm, you can lead a rich sex life that brings great joy. “If for some reason you can’t “reach the finish line,” you can just say “let’s take a break” or “I want to finish,” without any explanation or justification,” advises psychotherapist Brandi Engler. Just relax and stop worrying about orgasm, forget about it altogether. Focus on the present moment, feel intimacy with your partner, and enjoy the sensations.