There is one simple transgression that can rob us of our relationships, our happiness, and even our identity. It is extremely common: it is a romance on the side. How to treat him? The opinion of the psychologist Esther Perel, addressed to all who loved.
At this very moment, in all four corners of the world, someone betrays or suffers betrayal, thinks of having an affair, listens to the victim of the triangle or the lover with whose help the triangle arose. In the life of a couple, there is no other aspect that would give rise to more fears, gossip and enthusiasm than betrayal. Adultery has been legitimized, discussed, politicized and demonized throughout history. And yet it has always existed.
For most of history, men cheated because they had the favoured ability to do so and not be too afraid of the consequences. The double standard is as old as treason itself. I doubt that King David thought for a moment about his marital status when he seduced Bathsheba.
And today, the culturally conditioned tendency is to individualize and pathologize such a widespread social reality as infidelity. But can we really explain it — so common! — simply as a consequence of individual shortcomings?
Why does cheating happen and what does it mean?
I lecture about love and sex all over the world. When I first became interested in infidelity, I used to ask my listeners if they had any experience of an affair on the side. Not a single hand was raised in the hall—nothing surprising. There are few people who publicly admit that they cheated or that they cheated on them. There was a time when divorce was experienced as something shameful, today we have a new stigma — infidelity.
Cheating can teach us a lot about what we expect, what we think we want, and what we think we are entitled to.
With all this in mind, I changed my question to «How many of you have experienced infidelity?» And suddenly a mass of hands began to rise.
A woman sees on the train how her friend’s husband is talking confidentially with some beauty, and wonders whether to tell or not. A young man describes the infidelity that preceded his parents’ divorce. Another young man — himself a “love child” of one of his parents — tells how he grew up with his half-siblings, whose attitude towards him went from envy to resentment.
A middle-aged gay man has a long conversation with his lesbian best friend, who suspects that her partner is cheating on her with her ex. A long-married parental couple won’t let their daughter’s unfaithful husband attend their 60th birthday party. And the young groom wonders if he did the right thing by canceling the invitation for one of his best men — a famous rake — at the request of his bride.
I listen to all these stories, and it convinces me that cheating is a universal play that includes many characters: family members, friends, colleagues and neighbors, and unfolds its scenes on the stage of the Internet and smartphones, sites and mobile dating services.
Cheating can teach us a lot about relationships — what we expect, what we think we want, and what we think we are entitled to. They lead to a deeper discussion of our values, human nature, and the fragility of eros, and push us to some of the most troubling questions: how do we maintain the precarious balance between our emotional and erotic needs? Is possessiveness inherent in love from the very beginning, or is it just a secret vestige of patriarchy? Is it true that what we don’t know about doesn’t hurt? How do we learn to trust again? Can love not be the only one?
Infidelity is still a big taboo, but we need to create a safe space for constructive conversation.
Infidelity is a window into the patchy landscape of relationships and the boundaries we draw to secure them. As a therapist, I see my role as helping to contain the shifting and conflicting forces of passion: seduction, lust, urgency, impossibility, relief, suspicion, provocation, guilt, dire consequences, tragic denouement, sinfulness, control, the frenzy of suspicion, and murderous lust. to sweep.
My job is to encourage discussion of things we don’t like to talk about, and for years I’ve come up with different ways to help us all talk seriously about adultery. I work all over the world, speak nine languages, and am constantly reminded of the many cultural and religious subtleties that pervade every layer of this experience. My goal is to help people feel that they have less pain, less anger, and that they are more understood.
Infidelity is still a big taboo, but we need to create a safe space for constructive conversation to explore with empathy the diversity of our experiences. It can be hectic, but in the long run it will strengthen the relationship by making it more honest and flexible.
About the Author: Esther Perel is a psychotherapist who specializes in the cultural and social stereotypes that affect couple relationships.