Is it possible to raise children without resorting to punishment?

Is it possible to raise children without resorting to punishment? Of course, it is possible, but this path is difficult, requiring experience, strength and endurance. Unconditional love alone is definitely not to be relied upon here. It has been observed that good parents punish a child seriously only once or twice in their lives, somewhere around the age of three or four, when the child tests their parents for strength. If this battle is won, then the good life and mutual understanding are again established, only occasionally interspersed with rather symbolic punishments. Sometime parents use the warning “One! Two! Three! ”, sometimes a time-out without warning, sometimes you have to deprive a child of something for pampering — but all these educational measures live somewhere on the periphery of the relationship between parents and children, and in the center there is something else: lively and warm communication, discussion of common topics, assistance in studies, joint leisure, sports …

The least one has to punish those who are not afraid to punish, who can do it easily and effectively, but — but who at the same time is friends with children, loves children, educates children to a greater extent by their own example and gladly tells children what they need to do, so that they are only proud and no one punishes them.

If a young teacher comes to the children at school, who speaks to the children in a kind voice and says that she trusts them, wants to be friends with them and believes that children should not be punished, with the highest probability it will end badly for her (and for the children) . The children will gladly sit on her neck, she will try to endure it, but in a month or two her patience will run out, and she will break loose on the children. A more experienced teacher starts simply by establishing normal order and discipline, if someone wants to test her for strength, she will be kicked out of the lesson, but when the class begins to respect her, she will smile at the children — and soon everyone will understand that in fact she is surprisingly warm and loving person…

Raising a child without resorting to punishment at all and never is unrealistic: not a single competent teacher will go to difficult children without ever being able to punish someone. The ability to punish is a manifestation of strength, and people respect strength. And the lower people are in terms of development, the more they respect strength in the first place. The possibility of punishment for a teacher is the same obligatory thing as a weapon for a policeman. If there are no weapons, there will be no policemen. Another issue is that punishments should be adequate and effective. We’ll figure out?

In everyday consciousness, punishment is a mandatory and effective measure for restoring order and one of the ways of education. In reality, everything is more complicated: as a method of influence, punishment is a simplified and less effective version of negative reinforcement, and ordinary punishments are more angry than educate. The scope for punishment is low: punishment can stop bad behavior, but it does not foster good feelings. The wiser a person, the less often he is faced with the need to punish someone, the more opportunities he has to raise a child without resorting to punishment. Punishment is not an end, but a means. If the remedy is unsuitable (behavior and thoughts do not change or change in the wrong direction), do not use it in vain or to the detriment. If the punishment becomes an end in itself (relief of the parent’s soul, for example) — this is not a punishment, but a drain of aggression. The better the management, the less punishment. The higher the qualification of a parent as a manager, the better he knows his child and takes care of his mental balance, the better he anticipates and prevents an undesirable situation, the less need for punishment, the more parents and children make friends, play, talk and do common activities together. affairs, in the process of which the transfer of parental experience to children takes place.

How or when should you not be punished? When you are angry, you want to punish. But in some cases it is impossible to punish, because, apart from the bad, nothing good will come of it.

When and how can you be punished? Life punishes us for our mistakes, and this is normal. Punishments cannot be too harsh — life is tougher than any punishments. The death of a child whose parents did not explain that they should not play with fire or try drugs is tougher than any actions of parents who could and should have prevented this. Punishments cannot be too harsh — they can only be inadequate when they do not achieve their goals or achieve goals that are directly opposite. Adequate punishments that serve as a lesson are perceived normally and are simply necessary. And if you know how to punish cheerfully, do it inoffensively and a good result is obvious to everyone, then many will want to participate in such punishments.

Normal parents do not want to punish their children. Somehow stupid: I dreamed of children, I wanted to love, and here I only do what I swear and punish. The question arises: the child was not born, or should I correct something in me? Answer: even if “the child is not born” (this also happens), you need to start with yourself. So, if the child is not an angel and regularly deserves punishment, what can be in the parent’s arsenal, except for punishment? There are good answers to this question!

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.