Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

Danielle is 41 years old, she is married and has two children. For three years she has been dating Pavel, who has a wife and a child. “I could not imagine that I would fall in love with someone other than my husband Mark, with whom we have been together for 20 years. I still love him. But I also love Pavel, I understand that I can’t live without him. They are both part of my life. Mark knows nothing about Paul. Pavel, who also has a family, arranges everything as it is. Sometimes I ask myself: is this really true love or just a romantic fling? You can’t have everything at once!»

Daniella’s case is not uncommon. Moreover, women live a “double life” with less guilt, if not without it at all – just like men once did. But still, these relationships are not simple, it is difficult to maintain balance and harmony in them. Society no longer condemns such connections as before — at least now there is less pressure from public opinion. But even if everyone involved accepts such relationships, managing them is as difficult as forbidden romances on the side.

What is love?

Is it possible to love two people at the same time? “In theory, yes. And why limit yourself to two? — answers the psychologist and psychotherapist Marcello Bruognolo. If someone can afford it, why shouldn’t they? There are societies in the world where polygamy is practiced. For example, Arab countries.

It turns out that one-on-one relationships are nothing more than a matter of norms, social conventions, traditions and needs?

“We are not born to be monogamous,” says psychotherapist, psychologist and psychoanalyst Bruno Bonchatto. “However, we exist in the so-called urban family model, in which the concept of property is applicable to marriage. But no one says that this model is ideal and best suits our nature. Love is the admiration of oneself through another person. By knowing the other, we discover ourselves.”

“Love is first of all a desire and an opportunity to give something to a person whom I respect. And this ability requires maturity,” adds Marcello Bruognolo. — In practice, for many, to love is to pretend. More demanding than giving.

This behavior is very similar to that of a child, when a child requires love and care. If a person continues to pretend, he never grows up. The reason for such infantile behavior is almost always disappointment. When we were kids, we didn’t get true love. Most often — because the mother could not satisfy her own need for love and was not capable of a mature feeling.

What is emotional betrayal: the opinion of men

This scenario is often repeated from generation to generation. An unhappy mother is not satisfied with her relationship with her husband. She transfers the need for love to the child and therefore cannot give him real, realized love. If both parents are completely independent of each other and live love in someone else, it is unlikely that their children will behave differently.

change to grow

“In fact, we usually love because we lack something — affection, confidence, recognition. We are trying to fill the void and are looking for satisfaction in another person, says psychotherapist Consuelo Casula. “Mature love is a relationship between two autonomous people who want to be realized as individuals and are not afraid that this will hurt the other.”

Many relationships come to a standstill because we want the partner not to change — that is, not to develop. We are afraid that he will leave us. Or, on the contrary, we demand that it change and become the way we want and how we picture it in our imagination.

A couple grows and develops when both participants realize the need for change and are able to talk about it with each other. If this does not happen, we stop seeing understanding from the partner and feel like a reproach for not meeting his expectations. In this case, there is a risk of falling in love with someone else, someone who is more in line with our desires.

Love of different types

“My heart always beats faster when I think about Lena,” says 38-year-old David. — A year ago, she burst into my life like a hurricane. And it seems that I fell in love for the first time. I have never experienced such physical attraction to my wife Sveta. My wife is an open person, she understands me and supports me in my work. Lena is unpredictable, elusive and mysterious. She both attracts me and makes me suffer. And I need them both equally.»

46-year-old Veronica has had an affair with a 54-year-old man for nine years: “He has been married for 30 years, he has two adult sons. The wife is his age. She is a good person. Accepts his frequent departures or pretends to believe in «business trips». With me, he feels younger. I’ll make him laugh, we travel a lot, we have fun. But he will not leave his wife, although they have not slept together for a long time. He loves her in his own way and says he would feel like a scoundrel if he left her. This is how we live, between ups and downs. And I feel like I can’t leave him.»

In parallel novels, the same person experiences different feelings. “We always love in different ways, because those we love are different. We build relationships with each one in a new way,” explains Consuelo Casula.

In addition, there are three components in love, which each time are combined in different ways: the relationship of interests, affection out of respect and sexual attraction. If a person starts a parallel relationship, most likely, one of the official components has changed or weakened. In a lover or mistress, we are looking for what we have become missing.

For example, in a habitual and now asexual relationship with a wife, there may be respect, affection, and friendship. And then with the mistress the physical aspect becomes the main one — there is an explosion of unbridled passion.

Why are parallel novels so enduring?

Controlling two novels is hard. Especially when both partners are dear to you and you do not want to lose any of them. Therefore, when a lover or mistress is persuaded to leave his wife or husband, a kind of protective mechanism often turns on.

“Often a man is afraid to leave his wife, because being her husband is part of his self-identification,” says Consuelo Casula. — And then he comes up with excuses like “I can’t leave my wife, because she will suffer a lot, she doesn’t deserve it, she is the mother of my children” … And remains in those and other relationships. The conflict and painful situation for all continues. Partly due to the fact that the mistress allows this, respecting his marital status.

“I’m in love with a married man,” says 45-year-old Vera. — I’m also married. For three months we were almost inseparable. Then he was afraid that everything was getting serious, and decided to end the relationship. But in fact, the romance did not end: we see each other every day, we talk on the phone for a long time. He says he wants me, that we should not part. He loves me? Do I love him? I should have said enough, but I can’t imagine life without him. Meanwhile, my own marriage fell apart. I don’t think about the future, I can’t imagine being around anyone else, and I still believe I can start over with my husband.»

If everyone knows everything, change is inevitable

For many, ideally, everything looks like this: official and unofficial loved ones know about each other and accept each other. Is it possible? The following story is an example of the fact that the conflict can be provoked not only by the deceived side.

“I had an amazing romance for three years,” says 46-year-old Arseniy. — Masha is eight years younger than me and gave me a boost of vital energy lost in marriage. Which, however, was full of love. Once I talked to my wife, and she understood me. But this created problems with Masha. Incredible. Having ceased to be a secret mistress, she changed and became jealous instead of a wife.

Usually in parallel novels, the second partner knows about the first, but not vice versa. He is the keeper of the secret, and therefore his power in relationships is greater. When the mystery ceases to be one, the relationships within the triangle change.

“As long as a lover or mistress knows about a husband or wife who is not aware of an affair on the side, everything is fine,” says Consuelo Casula. — When a lover finds out that the official life partner knows everything, he feels used. If both partners know about each other, the official spouse has more power.”

But the second partner is not always alone — he can also have a family or a long-term relationship. In such cases, possible jealousy of a husband or wife is balanced by thoughts of one’s own spouse. Sometimes it is easier for the central couple to divorce their former partners and legitimize their relationship if everyone knows everything. “This is a way to finally break free, sometimes after years of secret relationships,” comments Consuelo Casula.

Without jealousy

If a person has two parallel novels, he has to reckon with the jealousy of one of the partners or both. This complex feeling is associated with character, fear of losing or destroying relationships. Jealousy can manifest itself only when the official partner notices a change.

“I realized that my husband was cheating on me when I saw how he had changed: he became silent, absent-minded in work,” says 52-year-old Nadezhda (18 years married, has a 17-year-old daughter). “Maybe he cheated before, but this time he seemed to want me to know everything. I don’t want to lose everything, so I don’t say anything. I’m sure he has a mistress. I think he will leave me.»

“If one of the partners changes behavior — he comes home too late, leaves for the weekend — the second will feel that something is wrong,” says Consuelo Casula. “But that’s where independence and maturity come into play. Any crisis is an opportunity for growth if everyone takes a share of the responsibility. If the relationship is built on dependence, need, obsession, disappointment, the second one will either really not see, or pretend that he does not see the obvious.

Loyalty should be a free choice

“I’ve been cheating on my husband for six months with my colleague,” admits Anna, 33, the mother of children aged XNUMX and XNUMX. “I was the most faithful wife in the world until I met him. Since then, I have been struck by an incurable disease. Is it possible to put an end to children, husband, home? It happens. The biggest mistake was to fall in love, but we women love first with the head, and only then with the body!”

In our culture, loyalty is considered a prerequisite for true love. “This concept is associated with social stereotypes,” explains psychologist Bruno Bonchatto. — Our society is strongly influenced by the Christian religion, we confuse the concept of love with self-sacrifice. And we impose love forced, unnatural.

In fact, loyalty should be a free choice. Hence the conflicts if we feel that we can no longer or do not want to be faithful to someone we no longer love. Morality has changed, but not enough to eliminate contradictions.

In some cases, new love can help the official partner, who, without an influx of fresh energy, is in danger of withering away. “In such cases,” concludes the psychotherapist Marcello Bruognolo, “to love two people at the same time is even good. It benefits everyone involved in this triangle.”