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Creating a family, we think first of all about love. And for the sake of love, they are often ready to give up their ambitions and desires. But can a marriage be happy in which partners constantly sacrifice themselves in order to maintain harmony?
After three years of a perfect relationship, Katerina and Sebastian admit they made a mistake. “We wanted to do everything together,” Katerina explains. When I went to the gym, he walked with me. He accompanied me on all trips, took me to work and met me from work. We did not part, but this constant isolation slowly undermined our relationship.
Rejection of oneself or the search for an “ideal”?
One of the most enduring beliefs about marriage is that, in order to be happy, partners must put their selves aside for a shared “we.” They should have a common opinion on all issues, love the same food, spend every free minute together. We so want that it is about us that they say: “They lived their whole lives in perfect harmony.”
In the first months and years, when feelings are still strong, it is easier for us not to notice the differences. We even think with disgust that we may disagree with our beloved in some way. The thought of spending the weekend in different companies seems like a betrayal. But then the first alarm bells sound: “This piano will not stand here”, “I know he is your friend, but he infuriates me”, “I have long wanted to tell you …”
The word “family” hypnotizes us. We begin to consider it a single organism
When there are too many cracks in the family cocoon, the question arises: to destroy it and “not torturing each other” or to find a compromise. In the first case, the partners realize that they are not ready to give up freedom, and begin a new search for the ideal companion – this time with more stringent requirements. In the second, if it is not possible to agree, one of the two inevitably makes concessions and eventually pushes their desires into the background.
Happiness needs freedom
These two paths may seem different, but they are based on the same belief: when there is a “We”, then there should be no separate “I”. The word “family” hypnotizes us. We begin to consider it a single organism that cannot function if one foot suddenly wants to wear a boot, and the other a stiletto. But there is an alternative view, which proceeds from the fact that maintaining autonomy is not only useful, but also necessary for family happiness.
For a happy family life, each spouse must have a life outside of their relationship.
Iris Krasnow, author of several books on marriage, has come to the conclusion that for a happy married life, each spouse must have a life outside of their relationship. “If your well-being depends entirely on someone else, this is a direct path to divorce,” says Iris Krasnow.
Couples in which one or both of the partners are emotionally dependent on each other are often referred to as “intertwined”. People with low self-esteem often enter into such relationships. They feel inferior, so they are looking for someone who will constantly keep them afloat. This feeling is very dangerous, as it deprives them of independence and makes them vulnerable.
Shelter, support group, side views
Sex expert Dan Savage believes that it is not necessary to associate the satisfaction of all your desires with only one person. “We have too many different desires, they often change, they can be contradictory,” he explains. “If we suppress and silence them, it will lead to disappointment and frustration. Instead, we can embrace our desire for diversity and be open with a partner about what we want and how we can achieve it.”
Iris Krasnou advises spouses to spend some time apart. It can be a one-night stand for a bachelorette party or even a whole week of vacation. She adheres to this philosophy in her 25-year family history. “When I return from summer vacation, it’s like falling in love with my husband all over again, and the passion between us flares up again,” she says.
So that the atmosphere in marriage is not suffocating, you need to “slightly open the window”
Family counselors Les and Leslie Parrott suggest drawing on your social environment—friends, buddies, members of the communities you belong to. “We can get satisfaction from going to a dance, participating in a theater studio, or playing in a musical group,” they say. — When there are many sources of meaning and self-realization in our life, we no longer associate our happiness only with the family. This helps to avoid resentment and disappointment.
The advice of Dan Savage himself sounds the most radical: in order for the atmosphere in marriage not to be suffocating, you need to “open the window a little”. In other words, spouses should allow each other to flirt with others from time to time, fantasize about others, and use these fantasies to stir up feelings in a couple.
According to Iris Krasnow, the benefits of time spent apart will only come when both learn to value their desires and not feel guilty. By accepting ourselves, we value our freedom – and therefore we value the freedom of another.
Source: The Atlantic.