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Elegance of movements, sexuality and elegance in clothes, perfumes, makeup – women have a thousand and one ways to express their femininity. Why is it so difficult for many of them to truly feel like a woman?
In preparing this material, the authors asked 15 women of different professions and ages whether they consider themselves feminine. Only six of them were able to answer this question in the affirmative. Moreover, when answering, they did not seem to take into account either their external attractiveness, or the success of their careers or family life.
“A modern woman performs several important roles for her at once: in the family, at work, in society,” comments the author and host of the “I am a Woman” training coach Svetlana Borkovskaya. “She often lacks the inner resources to just be a woman.”
But is it only about employment? To become more feminine is the most common wish of clients of stylists to create an image or those who are trying to improve their appearance, guided by advice from glossy magazines.
Almost all women who have proposed their candidacy to participate in the TV shows of the “Fashionable Sentence” format explain their decision in a similar way: “I want to change in order to become more feminine.”
Read: more attractive – both in your own eyes and in the eyes of other people
“It is interesting to think not only about what to do to feel more feminine, but also about what kind of fantasy we put into this desire,” says psychoanalyst Isabelle Korolitsky. She explains that there are three main components that form the feeling of femininity. His reflection can be read in the eyes of the mother, in the views of the surrounding women and in the eyes of loving men.
The role of the mother image
For a girl, the very first example of femininity is her mother. Will the daughter of a feminine mother always be flirtatious, well-groomed, or vice versa? This complex alchemy cannot be reduced to simple cause and effect. It all depends on the unconscious messages that mothers send to their daughters.
“The main thing that a mother can do to raise femininity in her daughter is to be a woman herself,” says Svetlana Borkovskaya. – It is this “being” that the girl reads. As reads and maternal priorities. So, a mother who is ready to completely sacrifice her interests for the sake of her children will pass on to her daughter this sacrifice … and self-doubt. She will convey the feeling that she is not valuable in itself, that she should have children as soon as possible and realize herself in this bestowal.
Girls feel great, for example, when a mother uses cosmetics only to please men, and when – for her own pleasure.
“Daughters also feel when a mother puts on makeup automatically or tries to heal some inner wound with it,” continues Isabelle Korolitsky. “On the other hand, if the mother feels happy as a woman, the girl will be inclined to reproduce her behavior, whatever her way of expressing herself.”
Woman among women
Sisters, girlfriends, models and famous actresses – they inspire, causing a desire to try something new. “Women learn from each other,” says Isabelle Korolitsky. – Communicating confidentially with each other, they exchange impressions, express their feelings, attitude towards their body and perception of themselves …
In this women’s world, populated by sisters, girlfriends or acquaintances, we discover, affirm or change our attitude towards femininity, which can be tinged with envy, doubt or fear.
A friend or sister can relieve a woman of doubts, pay attention to the merits of her appearance, which she does not recognize. Alas, this ability to absorb views and assessments from the outside makes a woman very vulnerable to social clichés and makes her realize with bitterness that she is far from the notorious model standards.
“This can cause serious damage to self-esteem,” says Svetlana Borkovskaya. – However, today fashion has become more tolerant: different images appear on the screens and in advertising shooting, and if there is a need to find a model, a model for oneself, then there is something to rely on.
However, if a woman lives in contact with herself, with a sense of her value, these glossy images affect her much less.
Such a woman no longer clings to the form, reshaping her body – she is able to observe, listening to her inner feelings, analyzing what she likes and what not, choosing examples that can teach her something.
A sense of self-worth is not always a given. “The look of a woman can really be turned to herself,” Svetlana Borkovskaya is sure. – For example, a girl considered herself ugly, but one day a photographer approached her – and in the pictures she sees herself completely different, reveals her virtues. They did not suddenly appear – the girl just needed the look of another in order to see herself that way.
To change their view of themselves, some resort to the services of professional shoppers, stylists, image makers, but most women still look for their reflection in the eyes of a man in love.
What is a man’s gaze capable of
“Based on my practice, I can say that those who were brought up without a father have the greatest difficulties in realizing their own feminine dignity,” says Svetlana Borkovskaya. – And in general, it is not necessary that the father spend a lot of time with his daughter. But the feeling of paternal love for a girl is like sunlight for a flower. Under this loving gaze, not only her awareness of her own value grows, but also her trust in men, and this is one of the components of femininity.
Can a man’s love subsequently make up for the lack of this childhood experience and open the way for a woman to herself?
According to Isabelle Korolitsky, a woman’s meeting with her beloved man helps her femininity to manifest itself. Then the negative judgments about oneself lose their power: “Love relationships inherently support the image of “I”. They awaken desire. This is the energy that a woman shines from within. It is expressed in a readiness to take care of oneself, in a new courage that emerges in the body, gestures, posture, in the whole image of a woman.
Sexual experience is another key to understanding your femininity. “We feel that the other person recognizes us in all our physical and emotional uniqueness – that’s what matters,” emphasizes sexologist Catherine Blanc. – Sexual pleasure revitalizes the body, makes it active – the body lives, trembles, worries. It comes out on top. It is in these moments that we feel especially beautiful, whatever the appearance.
“Femininity is akin to imitation”
Michela Marcano, philosopher:
“In the models that modern society offers, femininity is still strictly regulated, uniform: the triad “slender, young, sexy” most often appears on the pedestal. That is why modern women experience conflicting feelings: they have a desire to express themselves as a unique personality, and at the same time they live in fear that non-compliance with existing rules threatens to lose attractiveness.
Today, the process of “teaching” femininity is also changing: now we often find features that attract us in women of our own or younger generation and imitate them. Femininity in general is akin to imitation. In pursuit of the illusion of eternal youth, some mothers become more rivals for their daughters than mentors.
What worries me is that the teenage girl has become the ideal for today’s woman. I also regret that our main reference point is still the gaze of a man. He still “orders the music”, his evaluation criteria have become part of our flesh and blood, it is he who we perceive as the supreme judge who alone is able to decide what is feminine and what is not.
A modern woman should still work on listening more to her own desires, to her body and, thanks to this, to more fully embody her femininity.
Learn femininity or discover it in yourself?
The desire for femininity is too complex and ambiguous to be reduced to the task of sexual seduction. Between “look” and “feel” feminine, too, there is no equal sign.
So what exactly is femininity and why do women consider this quality so important for happiness? Are all the keys to this secret door in the hands of men? Is it possible to discover femininity in yourself simply by mastering a series of techniques? Despite the abundance of special trainings, courses and seminars, there are still more questions than answers in this area.
“Without a doubt, femininity is evolving,” says Isabelle Korolitsky. “This is both the transmission of tradition and learning. Femininity is never complete – it’s a way to build and shape your personality while playing with yourself, with all versions of yourself. It reaches its peak when the rivalry of the oedipal period is over, when the woman no longer competes for the attention of the male father.
We can say that then she grows into a human woman, that is, she acquires the ability to embody her femininity in all the plans that are important for her as a person, to fully feel the most diverse, including contradictory aspects of her being.