Contents
In recent years, attitudes towards psychotherapy have changed significantly for the better. Both stars and ordinary people willingly share their experience. But for many of the older generation, psychotherapy is still taboo. What to do if your parents are just like that, and, in your opinion, they need the help of a specialist?
Parents can hardly be blamed: for a long time all over the world, and even more so in Russia, the topic of seeking professional psychological or psychiatric help was stigmatized.
“The facts of going to a therapist (not to mention hospital treatment) were kept in the strictest confidence in many families. It’s no wonder that many older generations still feel that going to a therapist is embarrassing, a sign of weakness or that life has failed, and only seriously ill people need help, ”explains social worker and specialist in working with couples and families Tracey Ross .
Perhaps your parents also believe that «feelings should be kept to yourself.» It is also possible that right now they are in dire need of professional help: the consequences of a pandemic, forced isolation, a long stay in an atmosphere of fear for themselves, their lives and the health of loved ones are making themselves felt.
How to convince them to go to therapy, especially if they think that a psychologist will not help them, this is entertainment for the rich, “I’m too old to change” or “I can talk with my friends”?
Here are some tips that might help.
1. Show them your love
“Operate from a position of love and care,” counsels family therapist Rachel Thomasian. — Be as gentle as possible. Explain that you have noticed that a mother or father has been having a hard time lately and have found a specialist who can help.”
If the parent hesitates, offer to think together about how things can be arranged. For example, you could accompany him to the first consultation. Don’t label the situation as a «problem», emphasize that the parent can only benefit from talking to a specialist and learning something new.
“Express concerns, but never blame the parent for something they are not to blame,” advises Ross.
2. Explain why you think a parent could benefit from help
“You can, for example, say: I noticed (a) that you have become (a) less likely to leave the house and almost do not call up your friends. I am worried about you. It seems to me that a meeting with a psychologist would be very helpful for you, ”advises clinical psychologist Zainab Delavalla.
You can also talk about how this whole situation affects you, and emphasize that you are really seriously worried, but you cannot act as a therapist yourself — you need the help of a professional here. “If your parents are looking for emotional support from you that you cannot provide, explain why they need outside help.”
3. Recognize their right to doubt
If parents hesitate or strongly object to therapy, don’t push. Try to listen and understand what is bothering them. “Show that you understand their excitement, distrust and fears,” Delavalla suggests. “For example, you can say: yes, I understand, it’s not easy to talk about a personal stranger.”
Invite the parent to share concerns with the therapist in the first session. “An experienced psychologist knows how to work with this,” says Ross.
4. Tell us about your therapy experience
After recognizing a parent’s right to doubts and fears, share your experience: talk about how therapy has improved the quality of your life. Explain that the therapist’s job is not to judge, give advice, or explain «how to live,» but to give the opportunity to look at the situation in a new way and see for yourself ways to solve possible problems. Tell us what to expect from the sessions, how the therapeutic work is built.
If you yourself have never sought professional help, you can talk about the experience of friends or share statistics. Or you can sign up for a free consultation at the center of psychological assistance to the population (if there is one in your city) and share first-hand information.
It is also worth explaining: what happens in the session will remain strictly between your parent and the psychologist.
5. Help find a good specialist
Different psychologists work in different approaches, and not all of them will suit your parents. It is easy to get confused in the variety of methods and concepts, so please help. Ask the mother or father what generation and gender representatives he or she would be more comfortable communicating with, and consider these wishes.
6. Gradually accustom parents to the idea of the need for therapy
Explain to parents that they don’t have to «sign up» for something big and long-term: first, convince them to go for a few trial sessions. “While many older people feel it is too late to make a change or there is no point in digging into the past, they are relieved when they start working with a therapist,” explains Ross. “Many even then complain: and why didn’t I do this earlier!”
Another way to convince them to try therapy is to ask them to participate in a few family sessions «for your good.» It is easier for many to do this than to go to therapy for their own sake. Often, during such sessions, parents gradually relax, begin to trust the therapist and open up, feel the first positive effect and no longer object to individual therapy.
7. Be patient
“It’s worth immediately mentally preparing for the fact that parents may perceive the idea of seeking professional help with hostility,” recommends Delavalla. — It is better to tune in to regularly have conversations with them on this topic, work with their objections and fears. Let the parent know that you will be there throughout the journey: help find a therapist, arrange a meeting, discuss with him what happened at the session.
“Patience, empathy, and active listening skills will help you,” admonishes former president of the American Anxiety and Depression Association Mark Pollack. “If a parent is having problems sleeping, eating, or complaining about not being able to do anything at all, a therapist/general practitioner may be advised, who in turn will refer the parent to a psychologist.”
8. Moderate expectations
“You may think that seeking psychological help is something in the order of things, but most likely it is not so for your parents. They grew up at a time when going to a specialist of this profile seemed like a sign of weakness or illness. They still believe that it is not worth taking dirty linen out of the hut, and there are probably injuries and skeletons in the closet that they did not tell a single living soul about, Ross explains. “They are afraid that if they open this Pandora’s box, it will only get worse.”
Even if you do everything right, show maximum care, patience, tact, attention and love, there is still a risk that parents will continue to refuse therapy. In this case, remember: the main thing is your own mental health. You may need to work with a psychologist to accept the situation (including the fact that it won’t change).