Many women refuse to make a choice between career and family, believing that they need both to be happy. Moreover, society offers us numerous examples of successful women who have several children. Daria Pantyukh, a business coach, shares her controversial experience of combining family and work.
Before the birth of my first child, I often asked myself the question: is it really necessary to make a choice between career and family? What if we combine? It always seemed to me that the most successful female careerists on TV never asked such a question. And they certainly didn’t give up on their careers.
Listening to them, I became more and more convinced: it is possible and necessary to combine! At some point, I decided that it was simply necessary, it practically saves the life of my family. Why would my husband and children feel guilty about the fact that I abandoned my position for their benefit, why would I even sacrifice myself and then unconsciously impute guilt to every member of the family? All in all, it turned out to be a beautiful story. And for a while it worked…
Big business does not really need women with children, it has other tasks
My daughter Varya was already six years old, and everything seemed to go on as usual. I ran a serious company, achieved high results, and my daughter had everything: the best kindergarten, the best teachers, the best toys, a wonderful vacation twice a year with her parents. And I have a feeling of complete success and harmony. Until my daughter learned to really express her thoughts.
One day on New Year’s Eve, we, as usual, wrote a letter to Santa Claus to put it under the carpet. I was already in the mood to help Varya formulate her desires for the princess’s dress and a new set for the artist, when suddenly she announced: “No, mom, I don’t want it, I already have a lot of it …” “What do you want?” I was surprised. “I want a new house to live in.” I got cold inside.
“And what kind of house do you want and what is different in it, not like here?” “Everything is there and it never ends!” “What?” I asked, trying to get to the bottom of it. “There you are, and you don’t have to go to work to earn money. Everything is there in the house. It’s a magical house!”
I cried all night, realizing how bad my child was, and also how bad I was. I suddenly realized that I was going in the wrong direction. That my brilliant results are needed only by my founders, well, and also by the team. And that’s it. What’s the point then? It was obvious that my child needed me more than all the dolls put together, more than the best kindergartens and tutors. It’s time for serious decisions and choices.
Then I didn’t do it, I couldn’t. I thought of the women on TV talking confidently about the art of alignment and the absence of a dilemma. Inspired by their example, I began to carefully combine. She left work earlier, came back later to spend more time with her child. We began to go to drawing circles together, to the cinema, to visit, or just lie down and chat about the most important things.
Everything seemed harmonious and holistic, until the ringing of a mobile phone persistently interfered with our heart-to-heart conversations. And it sounded dissatisfied voice of the founder: “Where are you?” Then calls from customers and employees were added. Problems arose that required urgent solutions. I had to run to my laptop and write letters. Under the sad gaze of his daughter.
“Mom, don’t they understand that we are playing with you? You are at home, and you are with me!” “No, they understand,” I replied. “They just don’t want to accept it.” And I thought to myself: am I with you at all?
Fate helped me answer this question. After some time, my son was born, and the choice was made.
Returning to the question of whether to make a choice, my answer is yes. Someone does it himself, someone helps. Is it possible to combine? To be honest, I have not been able to answer this question. For me, these are two different questions and two different situations.
In the case of a career as a top manager, I could not combine. Because big business does not really need women with children, it has other tasks. But small businesses, for example, need it. They even care and think about them very much. Now I am at this stage. I’m testing the hypothesis, let’s see what happens. But I can say for sure: I am against black or white.
People often need to rely on some kind of landmarks. So I had my own formula: the ratio of 30% to 70%. It seems to me that it is in this ratio that family and career are compatible. And how much space a family takes and how much a career depends on what is important to you now. But only in this ratio will be qualitatively done what you are now betting on.