We so wanted to give the children all the best, to serve as an example for them to follow. For many, the loss of a job means the collapse of these hopes. But this does not mean at all that we, as parents, are no longer worth anything.
Are we still good parents when we lose our jobs? To some, this question will seem far-fetched: is it worth looking at all for a connection between parenthood and work or its absence? Nevertheless, thousands of men and women ask it to themselves. And most often the answer is negative, at least unconsciously.
According to Rosstat, there are more than four million unemployed people in Russia today, and almost a third of them cannot find a new job for a year or more. Such lack of demand, especially if it is long-term, undermines our idea of our social significance.
It can also cause us to lose faith in our own “parenting abilities.” We are seized by the fear that since we are expelled from the world of workers, then in other areas of life we will not be up to par.
What if we don’t live up to our kids’ expectations now that they’ll compare us to their buddies’ parents and, of course, think we’re “worse”? And how to become an authority for a child if we are tormented by guilt? What if the child stops listening to us and begins to respond insolently: “How can you demand something from me if you can’t even find a job yourself ?!”
Projection traps
Where does the feeling of your own “badness” come from?
“Unemployment creates a situation of high uncertainty,” explains Gestalt therapist Elena Pavlyuchenko. – In order to endure it, you need to be able to support yourself. And this ability is formed in childhood.
If our parents blamed and criticized us for any mistakes, then, as adults, we become merciless critics of ourselves. Any failure, especially one as serious as the loss of a job, makes us suffer from guilt and shame. And we begin to project this feeling of our own “badness” onto the child: it seems to us that he considers us a bad parent, does not love and blames us.
A child whose every whim is satisfied is deprived of such wealth as the ability to desire and dream about what he wants.
But in fact, failure is an inevitable, natural part of life. Yes, you can experience resentment, fear and still not give up. If we do not fall into despair, into hysterics, but adhere to an active position, are able to reason sensibly, look for a solution, then we preserve self-respect and respect for the child. “Then he learns the most important lesson: how to meet trials and cope with them with dignity,” emphasizes Elena Pavlyuchenko.
Language of love
We all want our children to have a happy childhood. And often we mean by this – cloudless, careless. Or maybe even fabulous, when all the wishes of the child are fulfilled by wizards, in the role of which we act. The unemployed man has to say goodbye to this beautiful dream.
But is it worth it to regret?
The perfect childhood is an illusion, and far from safe. A child whose every whim is satisfied as soon as they arise is never happy, he is deprived of such wealth as the opportunity to desire and dream about what he wants.
In addition, to satisfy all the whims of a child means to raise an unhappy adult, Elena Pavlyuchenko emphasizes.
After all, one of the tasks of parents is to prepare children for real life, in which we cannot get everything at once, and some of our desires are completely unrealistic. This means that the child needs to face limitations in order to learn to endure frustration.
Paradoxically, the situation of unemployment opens up new opportunities for the parent to show love. For example, to devote much more time to a child: communicate with him, get to know each other better, do something together. “They can discover a new language of love, and this will more than cover any material losses,” Elena Pavlyuchenko is sure.
Free joy
How to explain to a child that the family will now live differently due to the fact that the father or mother was left without work? “First of all, do not load him with your emotions, pour out irritation, fear or resentment on how you were treated,” Elena Pavlyuchenko warns. First you need to rethink the situation yourself so that it ceases to be emotionally overcharged: yes, it happened, but this is not the end of life, let’s think about how to proceed.
A teenager should see that he is a full-fledged member of the family and can already become an active assistant at this difficult moment for everyone.
“When talking with a child, it’s best to do without generalizations – they say, it will be difficult and bad, but to explain as specifically as possible, for example: this summer we won’t be able to go to the sea, but we have another opportunity – to relax in the village with my grandmother,” – explains the Gestalt therapist.
Older children can participate in the family council, when parents analyze the situation, discuss next steps, plan the budget. “A teenager should see that his opinion is also taken into account, that he is a full-fledged member of the family and can already take on part of the responsibility, become an active assistant at this difficult moment for everyone. This mutual respect improves the relationship and brings him very close to his parents because they feel like partners.”
And of course, it is very important that, despite all the difficulties, joy does not leave the family.
No matter how the material level decreases, we can always afford small pleasures, holidays. Hiking in the woods or playing forfeits cost nothing, but these moments of happiness that we experience together are priceless.