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The classic story is that a person left their phone or tablet on the table, and the partner, passing by, thought: “No one will be worse off if I look at who he (a) is texting with.” Can surveillance be good for a relationship, or is the step down a slippery slope?
According to a survey conducted by the antivirus company Avast, one in five men and one in four women checked their partner’s phone. “Reading correspondence is a very delicate situation. This usually means that you do not trust your partner. If something is bothering you and you want to make sure that everything is in order, it is probably best to openly discuss your concern with your lover, ”says Stephanie McAdaan, a psychotherapist from Los Angeles.
This advice is suitable for most cases, but are there situations where surveillance is justified? What do family therapists think?
Why are we doing this?
“With the exception of those who like to stick their noses in other people’s business, we usually start spying on a partner if there is a reason for suspicion,” says Elizabeth Lamotte, a Washington-based psychotherapist. — The desire to bring to light most often appears if we notice that the partner has become evasive or secretive. There is a feeling that something has changed in the relationship.
She often has to work with the emotional problems of clients who have begun to follow a partner and find evidence of infidelity. “Most of those who spy on a partner by reading his emails or messages are very ashamed of this. They decide to take such a step only out of desperation. Usually they have already tried to directly ask about their suspicions, and the answers seemed unconvincing to them, ”says Lamotte.
And although she admits that the partner who was being followed has the right to be angry, she believes that it is necessary to remember the experiences of both: “Unfortunately, usually everyone only talks about violating the secrecy of correspondence, but forget about betrayal and betrayal. If the cheater resents the breach of privacy instead of trying to regain trust, that’s unhealthy behavior.»
How does surveillance characterize relationships?
“Whether you found something or not, the fact of surveillance shows that there are problems in the relationship. Either you have reason to suspect your partner of infidelity, or you are too anxious and suspicious, you also need to do something about this, ”says psychologist Ryan Howes.
He recommends an open dialogue: “It’s better to discuss everything directly, ask your partner:“ Are we on the same team? ”And look at his reaction. If you feel insecure, chances are your relationship is in danger.»
“If you have an open relationship, you constantly build mutual trust, verification is not needed. In some situations, it may seem to you that surveillance is justified, for example, if you suspect treason. There is no good in cheating on a partner who may be cheating on you. So you will not solve anything, only aggravate the situation, ”adds psychotherapist Kurt Smith.
What to do if suspicions persist?
If you feel that the conversations have led nowhere and the only way to remove suspicions is to look at the partner’s correspondence, tell him. “If you invite your partner to go through his emails together, he will have the opportunity to explain what seems suspicious,” says psychotherapist Laurel Steinberg. Explain why you insist on this. Let’s hope he understands you, goes to meet you and you will not find anything suspicious. In the future, you will trust him more, especially after he showed understanding by agreeing to the investigation.
What to do if you find evidence of infidelity?
“If you find evidence of his guilt, you may have to work out new relationship rules,” says psychologist Alicia Clarke, author of “Crack Anxiety: How to Make Anxiety Help You in Life, Love and Everything.” Sometimes partners decide to give each other access to phones.
“I have seen couples trying to regain their trust after cheating. Sometimes the delinquent partner agreed to share passwords for a while. Betrayal victims want to regain a sense of control over the situation and understand what they can trust, ”says Clark. Gradually, the principle of “trust, but verify” helps to restore trust.