Sometimes we use deception to protect them from the complexities of life. And sometimes we have time because it is difficult for us to admit our own mistakes and mistakes. How will both hinder our children in the future? And in what form should we put the truth, if we dare to tell it?
“My 20-year-old son billed me: “I can’t forgive you and your father that you didn’t get divorced earlier. You figured out for yourself that you need to save my family for my sake. Do you really think that I did not see your lies? Visits under the flag “We are a friendly family.” And at home you went to the bedroom, father on the sofa. The neighbors were closer to us than you and your father were to each other. And you got me into it!” And recently I found out that my son left the institute, although every morning he allegedly went to study, – says 40-year-old Alla. “I asked why he didn’t tell the truth, he answered: are you to condemn me?”
It seems to us that we are doing this, keeping something back or depicting something specifically for their own good, but is it useful for them? And what are we actually teaching them?
My continuation
Probably, every father or mother is a little daffodil, but not all of us can admit that we love the continuation of ourselves in a child. Sometimes this is not a real continuation, but an ideal one, drawn in the imagination.
Through the assessments of children, we see the assessment of ourselves: what kind of parents are we? Are they as successful as they seem? The best school, olympiads, competitions, English from the cradle – we spare no effort and finances. And therefore we do not allow the thought that a son or daughter will not be the same as we have drawn for ourselves.
“I went to college in the 90s, the competition was high, and the whole 10th grade I studied with tutors, on whom my parents spent all the money. And I crashed out after the first session, – recalls 50-year-old Dmitry. – And he went to work as a salesman in a household appliance store. At the family council, I was strictly forbidden to tell any of my relatives that I was expelled. Until one day my uncle caught me at work. Two feelings fought in me then: I was ashamed, as if I had been caught stealing, but I also experienced great relief that now I don’t have to lie. ”
They find it difficult to gain independence, parental control interferes with the formation of their identity
Failures are especially difficult for those parents who are not able to see a separate personality in a child.
“Often this applies to men and women who have not found their way, vocation, feel unfulfilled and entrust the child with the task of embodying what they themselves did not succeed in, becoming an excuse for their existence,” explains Inna Khamitova, a systemic family therapist. – And now this boy or girl begins to be resolutely directed along the path that is chosen for him / her and for him / her. And all their lives, such children are forced to confirm and justify the hopes of narcissistic parents.
They have difficulty gaining independence because parental control interferes with the formation of their identity. And after the death of their parents, such children lose their support and often lose the meaning of life, because they never found it – their own.
My light, instagram, say …
“Look what a beautiful child I have!” Isn’t that support?
“Yes, the child is happy, for him the best reward is the praise of mom or dad. But often the parent has a secondary benefit: he realizes his needs for recognition through the child, – answers the existential-humanistic psychotherapist Stanislav Malanin. “For the child, this becomes a model that – with a high probability – he will reproduce in the future.” Not to be happy, but to be successful at all costs.
In social networks, many parents demonstrate the success of their children. In most cases, without asking the child for permission to publish his photo.
“If we do this with an adult, he will make claims: why are you exhibiting my image without agreeing with me? says the psychotherapist. “But for some reason, when it comes to our own children, we neglect their consent, we don’t even assume that it might be unpleasant for them – if not today, then later. And if teenagers are still trying to stand up for themselves, then young children often cannot do this. Thinking about the consequences is the task of an adult, a parent.
The child lives by double standards: at home he sees one thing, but in the posts of mom or dad it’s completely different
At the same time, what is given outside does not always coincide with what happens in reality outside the boundaries of social networks. And then the child lives by double standards: at home he sees one thing, and in the posts of mom or dad it’s completely different.
“Mom regularly exhibited pictures of the family idyll in Odnoklassniki: we are going to the dacha, relaxing by the sea,” recalls 30-year-old Lyudmila. – Probably, these photographs are the only rare moments in which I saw my father more or less sober. Because mom asked him to be patient until she took the picture.
When one information is given out for guests or in social networks, but something else happens in reality, the ground is created for the child to learn to lie or hide something, Stanislav Malanin believes: “At first, he gets used to cunning, to lie for fear of letting his parents down. And then, growing up, he appropriates such a model of behavior for himself. In addition, he ceases to believe in himself and his feelings. And he has every chance of getting into the same destructive relationships that he observed in childhood.
Of course, we do not want this for children. We can restrain our desire to appear more successful and happier in the eyes of others than we really are. We can explain that family photos are not a reportage about everyday life, but shooting for memory, a kind of “favorite”, which includes only the happiest moments.
But should we devote our children to all the difficulties that arise in the family? Will honesty hurt?
It’s not about you
It is unlikely that we will be able to hide from the children that dad lost his job, but how much detail can we talk about financial difficulties? Should we talk about the discord between mom and dad?
“Children always feel lies, so you need to explain as close to the truth as possible,” Stanislav Malanin is convinced. – But parents can evaluate what the child will understand and what will not. And the message should not sound like a bolt from the blue: “Nikita, my dad and I are getting a divorce, but it’s not about you.” Nikita will definitely decide that the matter is in him, because the children think that everything happens because of them. Therefore, a more detailed explanation is required: “Son, it happens that people stop understanding and loving each other. We decided to break up because it would be easier for everyone. But both mom and dad will always love and support you.
Children trust their parents the most. Their deceit changes the child’s attitude not only to them, but also to the world.
Explaining to a child what is happening, according to his development, is not easy, even when the conversation does not touch on painful topics and difficult feelings, such as anger or resentment, that family members sometimes feel for each other. But silence can be costly.
“I did not communicate with my father, my mother said that he had run away and did not want to know us. When I was almost 35, I first met him and found out that my mother assured him that I didn’t want to see him, 42-year-old Andrei admits. “After that, I left and didn’t talk to my mother for almost five years, until my father asked me to get in touch with her. She calls me sometimes. But I can’t forgive her for lying for 35 years.”
Children trust their parents the most. Their deceit changes the child’s attitude not only to them, but also to the world.
“As a child, I picked up a ginger kitten on the street. Mom said: “Let him sit in the bathroom for now,” recalls 39-year-old Tamara. – I went to a music school, and when I returned, they told me that the kitten went for a walk. I looked under the bathroom for the hole through which he left, but did not find it. Now I understand that his parents threw him out into the street or something. Guilt makes me take cats off the street, I guess. Now I have five.”
The energy of honesty
Healthy relationships in the family suggest that there is nothing hidden from each other. The fact that one day, like a boil, can break through or, conversely, remaining hidden, cause an abscess of the whole organism. In healthy relationships, we are honest with loved ones.
Unhealthy families have a lot of lies and secrets out of the blue. Households get used to lie and get out on trifles. Maintaining a secret requires a lot of energy from the family system. And in a healthy family, this energy goes to development.
“I have a familiar family where everyone gets together every Friday and discusses their affairs for the week. Children aged 18 and 21. They talk about what is happening with their studies, relationships with guys and girls, – says Stanislav Malanin. — Father and mother share successes and difficulties at work. And this happens without sarcasm and evaluations. All family members respond to the situation, to the experiences of the other.
This means that the daughter and son will carry exactly such a communication system into future relationships. And their children will be just as honest with their parents.
Most often, we are silent or deceive out of fear that we will not be accepted, condemned, rejected. But if we avoid open, and possibly tough conversations, we will cease to be real, says Inna Khamitova, a family systemic psychotherapist.