I want to describe the situation that happened in my family. She made me think about a lot and rethink a lot about my relationship with my mom.
So, we (me, my husband, and our children, 2, 5, and 7 years old) have been living together with my mother in our apartment for 5 years now. Mom herself volunteered to help us when the second child was born. She moved to us from another city.
Last year, I began to notice that my relationship with my mother had become strained. She constantly lashed out at her eldest son. I, in turn, defended him. We started to annoy each other.
Two weeks ago, out of the corner of my ear, I heard that the eldest son uttered a swear word with the letter “g”, and my grandmother thought that it was addressed to her. And she said: “If you call me that again, then I will leave you.”
I heard this and asked if she was serious about it? She explained that if she said this just to scare her, then you won’t take your son with this, he is a lively boy. And if she really has such thoughts in her head that she wants to leave seriously, then she has every right.
She replied that she wanted to leave, and I said that I would not forcibly keep her. On this they parted ways. I decided to take a break so as not to say too much and not ruin the relationship. Inside, of course, everything was boiling. The situation that evening was very tense.
The next day, I resumed the conversation and asked: “Are you tired of helping us? Are our kids stressing you out a lot?» She replied that yes, she was tired, and that, in addition to me, she also had a daughter (my own sister, 26 years old), who lives in a rented apartment and cannot arrange her personal life. So, my mother is very worried that she can not help her. And for a long time he has been thinking about finding a job to help his daughter earn an apartment.
Then I said that at her age it would not be so easy to find a job for such a salary in order to save money for an apartment. Now she lives with us, saves her pension and, in principle, we provide her with everything she needs.
But, apparently, she was very determined to help her child. She said that she would work as a nanny or a concierge.
Then an option came to my mind. Since we would still have to take a nanny if my mother left us, I suggested that she stay with us on the terms of a hired worker. And we will pay her a salary.
Mom said she would consider the offer.
I can’t say that we offered a large amount (a nanny would cost us 20-30 percent more), but for a woman of her mother’s age, even finding such a salary would not be so easy.
In general, the next day we received her positive response. Everything seems to have remained in its place, but how our relationship has changed!
Truly, the business format rules!
First, the now the mother does not allow herself reproaches against her eldest son (she understands that in a strange family she, as a nanny, would quickly be put in her place). As a result, after a few days the son became much more loyal to his grandmother, and his grandmother to him.
Second, the now I don’t have to repeat 10 times what needs to be done for my daughter (what and how much to feed, what to play, how to keep busy). Mom does all this on her own. I only clarifies whether everything is correct, and what to add.
Third, on her part, attempts to impose her pedagogical knowledge (obtained from dubious sources) ended. After all, working as a nanny for other people, you fulfill the requirements of the employer, otherwise they can be fired.
Fourth, mom walks very happy, because. now she understands that she is helping her second daughter save money for an apartment.
Fifth, It seems to me that when mother’s work began to be actually paid for with money, her attitude towards herself became better, her self-esteem increased. In any case, I now see not an eternally grumbling grandmother, but an active elderly woman going towards her goal.
Well, I, in turn, am pleased that I can help my sister in this way (we are on very good terms with her). It is to help, not to do instead.
And I am also glad that after making that decision, my relationship with my mother became simply wonderful — now she understands me perfectly, and I have more respect for her work and help.
I hope that this experience of mine will help other mothers to improve relations with their mother or mother-in-law.